Bloody entitled grown up children!

[PhaedrasChocolate]

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

I had to be a guarantor for both children whilst at uni. I don't know of any landlord that wouldn't insist on a guarantor for a student. Most leases are also joint and several for student accommodation other than halls.

Have just seen the message from @Deepsea This is what I hear from young people about what "I've" done to the planet. It's an excuse.

I grew up in the 70's in London as the child of second generation immigrants. I was regularly spat at on the streets by various members of the National Front on the way home from school. I remember the strikes well - my mum worked for Fords and my dad was a postman. The piles of rubbish, huge rats running around in broad daylight. We lived round the corner from Gestetners (dodgy spelling) a huge factory churning out so much smoke on warm days it was like a November fog. When I was 16 I took an overdose of what I thought were antidepressants my doctor had prescribed. They were in fact very, very mild and I just slept for a few extra hours having written a note about how depressed I was about the fact the world was about to end because of nuclear war. I had similar feelings - to which was added guilt - later, watching starving children dying from hunger who had the same coloured skin as me. I went to university at 24 - so my parents wouldn't be called on to contribute to my education - I got a grant but worked all through university. At one point I had three jobs in a restaurant, casino and at weekends on a market stall. I did own a flat, bought with an irresponsibly sold and later discredited 100% endowment mortgage, no deposit. The mortgage tripled in my first year at university and I had to rent it to cover the mortgage moving into a mate's box room and later a flat with no toilet... As for a pension, I'll be working until I'm in my 70s and won't be surprised if the state pension is history by the time I get to my 70s in 20 years.

Should I go on or do you really need to be told, it is what it is. If you don't like it, change it. Life, at any given point in history is tough - it's no tougher now than it was in the 16th century, last year or 1982.

Have just seen the message from @Deepsea This is what I hear from young people about what "I've" done to the planet. It's an excuse.

I grew up in the 70's in London as the child of second generation immigrants. I was regularly spat at on the streets by various members of the National Front on the way home from school. I remember the strikes well - my mum worked for Fords and my dad was a postman. The piles of rubbish, huge rats running around in broad daylight. We lived round the corner from Gestetners (dodgy spelling) a huge factory churning out so much smoke on warm days it was like a November fog. When I was 16 I took an overdose of what I thought were antidepressants my doctor had prescribed. They were in fact very, very mild and I just slept for a few extra hours having written a note about how depressed I was about the fact the world was about to end because of nuclear war. I had similar feelings - to which was added guilt - later, watching starving children dying from hunger who had the same coloured skin as me. I went to university at 24 - so my parents wouldn't be called on to contribute to my education - I got a grant but worked all through university. At one point I had three jobs in a restaurant, casino and at weekends on a market stall. I did own a flat, bought with an irresponsibly sold and later discredited 100% endowment mortgage, no deposit. The mortgage tripled in my first year at university and I had to rent it to cover the mortgage moving into a mate's box room and later a flat with no toilet... As for a pension, I'll be working until I'm in my 70s and won't be surprised if the state pension is history by the time I get to my 70s in 20 years.

Should I go on or do you really need to be told, it is what it is. If you don't like it, change it. Life, at any given point in history is tough - it's no tougher now than it was in the 16th century, last year or 1982.

If I did agree to be guarantor I’d also be very clear on the terms and have it in writing that she would pay me back if it came to it. I wouldn’t offer to be a guarantor for any of her flat mates though.

sorry for posting twice - inexperience!

I'd be having words with my DD about her rudeness and sense of entitlement.
Check to see if you are liable for entire rent or just her share.

Brilliant post Lex64 .

YANBU we had a similar 'expectation' from our 22 yr old, he wanted us to rent a place and let him stay there.....not a chance he would never have paid us the rent. We refused to guarantaur and he had to find a room in a house. They are spoilt selfish brats I have a 17 yr old too who has unreasonable expectations

At that age she should be more respectful towards you. I would never be a guarantor for anyone unless I could afford to pay. If she wants to be independent she can find someone else or ask you politely with a discussion and a contract.

looks like there is a fair bit of entitlement on this thread...

many of us were little shits at the university stage. Her bad planning is not your problem. the university will have an accommodation office to help, she's not alone.

Totally agree Lex. There’s a weird assumption that everyone over 60 is living the life of riley etc. My dad is 75 and still working to pay his bills. Not much fun with an arthritic knee and other medical problems. Entitled is the word for it and we feed that assumption massively by talking about what a shocker this under 25/30 generation are having. Not much different to any other generation in my mind. Ups and downs like always.

OP please don’t act as guarantor if you can’t afford it as you will be pursued through the courts if you DD defaults on her rent.
I was an entitled little shit between the ages of 16-19 and put my poor parents through hell - including having to pay my rent on a couple of occasions as I had not paid.
When your DD nature’s a bit she will understand why you had to decline being guarantor.
She will just have to look for alternative accommodation and get a PT job.

*Matures not nature’s

Sounds horribly familiar.

I refused to be guarantor in the same situation. There are alternatives open to them. Glad, considering she then left owing them money.

We did this for DS a few years ago. He changed his course and asked me to be a guarantor. It was a very nice new build city centre student flatshare, all mod cons. He promised that he would pay the rent himself from a part-time job. I believed him.

Fast forward a few months. Lost job due to turning up drunk on a Saturday morning. Then company who own flats start pressing for money. He had not paid a penny in rent, but spent all his earnings on his social life.

To cut a long story short we copped for a full years rent in the end and had to re-mortgage our house. He has eventually turned out well and OP’s DD probably will as well.

Unless you want a second mortgage don’t do it.

"Get your arse in gear and do it, Mum". That was the order, wasn't it? And then she had the perfect guilt-trip weapon loaded "...or I'll be homeless".

I had this from my son. Rush, rush, rush at the last minute when he'd had nearly 4 months to get himself organised.

My reply was "what's your Plan B because I'm not being a guarantor. Oh and by the way, I'm very well thank you - how has your summer been?"

There was no Plan B and he ended up sofa surfer for half a term until he took responsibility for himself and got a room in a house. By then, I could afford to give him deposits etc.

What do they say about being cruel to be kind? Got to be done at some stage. Sympathies OP - it's so hurtful to be treated as though you're a cash machine, but irrelevant otherwise.

PS Love my son to bits and he's great really.

She is still your child. Make it clear that although you will help her (I think you should btw) that she needs to ask in a better way and not at the last minute. Isn't there a report or something similar that says we are not really 'adults' until 24?

I doubt she'll be able to rent anything without a guarantor.
My daughter is going into her second year of Uni and has rented a flat with four others. Each parent has stood guarantor for their own child. No way would I want to be a guarantor for the others!!

My daughter is going to give me all of this terms rent (in fact, rent until the start of next term when the next student loan payment comes through) and then I will give it back to her monthly to pay the rent.

I'm more worried about how she'll pay the rent for three month's next summer!

You need full information before you make a decision. Being rushed into things might be she was too disorganised to be prepared; it might be she thinks throwing at you last minute means you can be panicked into doing what she wants. Take back control. Your money, your decision.

OP are you coming back? What happened in the end?

Great post Lex; it is ok to copy and paste onto the numerous whiney threads on MN saying anyone over the age of 50 is living a life of sunshine and roses?

To answer your original question op (which I don't really think was about the rent) yes a lot of grown up children are very entitled. I have two of my own as do most of my friends.

I’ve been a guarantor a few times. You are responsible only for your offspring’s rent, not the whole house. Deposit is responsibility for all tenants though. This can be tricky, if others trash house. Landlords tend to use this one as an excuse, too.
Please talk to your daughter. It’s her chance to educate herself!

Deepsea I have worked for 44 years not always in same job as had to change to fit in care of kids and running a home so no private /works pension. I was hoping to retire last year but my government pension had now been held for another 6 years so I carry on working. I put my one child through university and second through college both now working. My second child despite having same upbringing as eldest sometimes behaves like entitled brat. Not all us pensioners are living it up in Spain some of us are still slogging it out working for a living. Oh and don't get me started on the wasters who have never worked (except for the system ) but expect the government to fund their lives

"rachelteeth: I’d be pretty fucked off too if I’d been saddled with a future on a dying planet, no pension, water scarcity and millions of climate refugees in the coming decades."
...well I might be lambasted here and it's going off topic... but I raised ALL my kids in a similar way and they are all different...2 care about the above and 2 of them don't give a f* about all you've said. It's not the way I've raised them cos I am aware of all you said and act accordingly, being green etc and so do my other 2.
Can I say it's not just the way we raise our kids..we do our best but they are influenced by outside agencies...their mates and the media.

Two of my kids are with partners whose parents give them money if they think they are short..or need a new car/holiday etc. Which means they never really need to manage their money properly cos they get bailed out. To me this is mis placed generosity.

Back to the orignal question..vent away...and yes..some do think they are entitled. I work with young people. Some are amazing. Some feel they don't need to work at what they consider low grade jobs beneath them cos they are too good for that/have a brain/degree (although have to say none of mine..luckily..were like this..perhaps I kept them too short !) I would want an apology before I did anything...

Acting as guarantor for my DS and his friend left me about £6000 out of pocket. I paid their first months rent plus deposit on the understanding the friend would pay me back his half. He didn't. Within months, son's friend had decided he couldn't be arsed paying his half of the rent. He also spent my DS's part of the rent after being given it to pay the landlord. This continued for months, I was being threatened with court action if I didn't clear their arrears, landlord wouldn't terminate the lease unless both parties confirmed in writing that they wanted to terminate. DS's friend refused to write to them, and also refused to pay any bills. This went on for months. Eventually, in desperation, my DS got in touch with friend's family, who got him to write the letter. Obviously didn't get the deposit back either. Never again.