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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
ReservoirDogs · 30/08/2018 11:50

LemonySnicket - As I said the first one DS went for wanted a guarantor. I wasn't prepared to be liable for £27,000 a year ( 6 people's rent) so they found one In Lancaster that didn't require a guarantor. They are out there.

brizzledrizzle · 30/08/2018 12:30

FASH84 what do you do if you are on a low income and can't be a guarantor? Not every student has access to the bank account of a parent. I didn't go to university because my parents refused to support me at college/school whilst I did A levels and plenty others don't go because there is no money.

LightastheBreeze · 30/08/2018 12:46

If you are not a home owner or not in steady employment earning a reasonable amount, some places will not accept you as a guarantor. Some don’t require salary details but you will most likely be credit checked, so University remains a thing for the middle classes

butterfly56 · 30/08/2018 13:33

She should to get a job and do a part time degree instead of putting immense stress and pressure on you in an impossible situation where you don't have the financial wealth to facilitate her university education.

There's millions of people in the world having to fund their own university educations.

That's how my DS and a lot of his friends had to do it. He started an engineering apprenticeship at 16 and a part time degree(took him 4years) after his apprenticeship completed.

There was no where near enough money coming in(single parent) ,even though I worked full time, to even fund his full time degree.
He fully understood the situation and has worked really hard and ended up in a fantastic career which he loves.

Don't allow your angry daughter to think she can railroad you into being guarantor when you are not in a position to do so. She is old enough to sort herself out.

businessModel · 30/08/2018 14:21

I'm so pleased that my children escaped being in this entitled, lazy and ridiculous generation.

The sooner they fall flat on their arse the better.

She's shown you who she is. Listen. Walk away.

Secretsquirrel252 · 30/08/2018 14:27

God, there are some miserable pricks on here. If you can act as a guarantor, do. If you can’t, don’t. If you’d rather get into a ‘youth of today’ rant and not act as a guarantor on principle, I hope your DC stick you in a basic no frills care home when the time comes. They don’t owe you anything after all!

Tinkobell · 30/08/2018 14:30

I haven't filled in on middle posts, so don't know if the OP did do the guarantor sign apparently needed last night. Anyway, I can't agree with the basis that the DD has been inconsiderate, typically lippy of a 21 year old as reasonable grounds to refuse to be a limited guarantor enabling her to continue her degree....it seems unbalanced to me. I suppose if you didn't care about a future of NC, then fine, do it. For me, it would feel like unfairly pulling the rug out from under her feet. Sure she's a young adult and needs guidance not the support structure gone. If the OP and DD are on such poor terms together - why attend a rally together, speak twice a day etc. I don't get it.

BackforGood · 30/08/2018 14:51

I know there are 10 pages of posts, but I am struggling to get past this

My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits?

Yes.

I don't see how you can condemn a whole generation based on the behaviour of one person. I'm sure there are murderers of your age, but that doesn't mean everyone your age is a murderer Hmm

Are they all like this?
Well, in all honesty, I'm not even seeing what it is she is supposed to have done that is all that terrible - that makes her, in your eyes 'a little shit'. What an awful thing to say about your dd. Yes, many young adults just finding their way in lives can be a bit disorganised (though that is by no means confined to their generation). You say you knew nothing about the guarantor, so I'm not sure why you think she should, when she has had far less experience of the ways of the world and rules around renting than you have ? Confused

bigbluebus · 30/08/2018 14:59

Those who said the situation re me guaranteeing my DS are different, I am aware of that but my point was that the agency didn't request any information about my income/ outgoings/savings/occupation or marital status ,they just wanted my name,address and a signature.

Lemonnaise · 30/08/2018 15:13

I have a niece who when at university a few years ago, rang her parents (who were paying for her accommodation) and told them that she was moving to new swanky accommodation and they were to pay twice what they were already paying for it. They were horrified and told her in no uncertain terms that they were not paying for it and to stay where she was. She did stay but she was fuming about the whole thing.

Fast forward to now and she's mortified about the way she behaved. She thanks her parents for telling her straight that no way was it happening. She laughs about it now and can't believe 'the cheek of it' Grin. There's a huge chance your DD will come out of this attutide.

littlemissalwaystired · 30/08/2018 15:13

It's definitely not a generation thing. I'm 22 and would never speak to my parents like that. I've always been hard working and am now a midwife, despite being young. It's not possible to tar a whole generation with one brush!

Equally, I don't think it's any reflection on your parenting necessarily. Some people are just like that. I'm sure you did a great jobSmile

Tinkobell · 30/08/2018 17:10

@Lemonnaise.....well that sounds like a total liberty & good for them - she was upgrading so tomsoeak. The OP's DD however, might not be many steps away from a homelessness situation if she's without any accom. I couldn't have that on my conscience if I were the parent.

dwab45 · 30/08/2018 17:32

In the first place you and dd nead a proper face to face and establish the financial/legal ins and out. If she can flounce off, no deal.

Rhymie · 30/08/2018 17:51

You just made my day. I have a 19 yr old daughter who is an utter nightmare. Lives like a pig, clothes and dirty plates all over her room (literally like a hoarder). demands money (which I stupidly give) and now I'm paying her rent for uni, so she moves out! But shes just told me she'll be back every weekend. I buy her make up, have her hair done and buy her clothes :-( .
she has a job in a restaurant at weekend and her maintenance money all to herself (i pay the rent) and just spends it like water, going out with friends all the time. We also used to have an amazing relationship and I keep carrying on in the hope that it will get better. Reading your post makes me think that I'm not alone at least sigh

cherish123 · 30/08/2018 17:51

Is it actually guarantor or a deposit?

Alwayscommuting · 30/08/2018 17:54

My mum had to be a guarantor for my flat when I was a student and I hated it. Because she was involved they used to send her details of flat inspections etc. We're really close but that tested things. Mum is also now guarantor for my sister who's at uni (I now own my home so one at a time.) I get what you're saying but without her we wouldn't have had anywhere to live. My sister could have commuted at a push but I was hundreds of miles away.

EllenMP · 30/08/2018 17:54

Of course she has to have a guarantor, and of course it is going to be a parent. I don't know why you expected her to see this coming when apparently you didn't see it coming yourself. I'm sure she had never heard of a guarantor until she suddenly had to have one instantly.

I would certainly check that you are only guaranteeing your daughter's rent and not her flatmate's rent too. You are not responsible for other people's children, obviously.

As for her attitude and demeanor towards you, you say yourself that you and your own mum shouted at each other for a couple of years. I'm sure you remember the pressures and anxiety of adolescence that caused you to lash out at your mum. Kids are staying younger older nowadays -- I guess your daughter is just running a little late for her moody period. I would give her some space and wait it out. It will be much easier to do that if you help her get her flat and she isn't underfoot this year!

PUGaLUGS · 30/08/2018 17:56

We were guarantors for my sons second year shared house accommodation, but this was relevant to him not the whole house.

Year 1 & 2 he didn’t need a guarantor.

Sorry you are in this situation Flowers

Louloup20 · 30/08/2018 18:04

Some of the comments on here are really shocking, it seems should people be unrealistic about their kids behaviour then they are wrong, but if they are realistic they also get trolled.
You can not just tell this poor woman to say NO and let her daughter find someone else, she has already said she is her daughters only constant. And you can not tell this woman that she is responsible for the actions of her 21 year old daughter. My mum was a single mum, gave me everything and taught me how to be a decent human but I still had my own mind and made my own decisions.
Kids grow up and once they are away from home other things start to shape their views, behaviour and opinions. So slating this woman is not the answer.
I would support her in her new home but then chat with her and make sure that she is aware of how you feel. My mum wrote me an email when I was in 20s and it hit home to me how my actions were upsetting her. The email also gave her a way to get everything she wanted to say down without me doing my usual and talking over her. I still have the email today and it grounds me.

It's nice to be nice people!

stressedoutpa · 30/08/2018 18:11

No, I wouldn't be guarantor. I would also tell her it was about time she learned some manners and not expect you to snap to attention because she needs some help.

Would you let a friend treat you like that?

HeckyPeck · 30/08/2018 18:16

I would support her in her new home

OP can’t afford it. End of story.

Lex64 · 30/08/2018 18:17

YANBU! This subject is my current rant and I'm doing my very best to stop my DDs 14 & 16 becoming like my DNiece who I love dearly but needed an explanation as to why she did not "deserve" a rest, a free flat and a car from her unemployed father, now she's finished university. My DB is distraught at not being able to provide said "musts", leading to an almighty row and my DN has stormed off to my cousins to stay and she's just tapped me for £200 until payday! I signed as her guarantor when she was at university and got a letter from the landlords a few weeks ago - she didn't pay the last months rent, figured the deposit would cover it and never told me. She sorted it out, but I'd be sure you can afford it if you do sign on the dotted line.

My plan is to emigrate, without them, when the youngest goes to university/work - we talk about this plans almost daily. Get them their own bank accounts, already in place. Teach them to cook, clean and tell them every day I love them and want them to be ready for the life they want to live as we won't be here physically. We're not deserting them, we'll be back for regular visits and have family here in the UK.

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 30/08/2018 18:20

I would tell her you couldnt do it as its too big a responsibility if she couldnt keep up payments as you have your own house to run

CosyLulu · 30/08/2018 18:35

I totally understand how you feel.

I’d do it for her but be v careful that you are only a guatantor for her and not the whole house.

If you don’t support her all you can you’ll regret it later I think?

chloetheudder · 30/08/2018 18:42

I haven’t read all the posts but I think your feelings are telling you that she has overstepped your boundaries by assuming you will do whatever she wants/needs you to do without even consulting you. I think this is probably just a bit of teenage narcissism but I think you should make clear what your boundaries are as you are the one who is responsible for showing her how you want to be treated and what you will and will not accept. I think I’d feel exactly the same way in your situation. I think I would go ahead be the guarantor (if she has a track record of being trustworthy and reliable) as I wouldn’t want to jeopardize her degree etc, but I’d make it very clear that in future she needs to be more respectful and ask for things like this in advance as she has no right to assume I will do whatever she wants at the drop of a hat. I think this is all part of growing up and I’m sure she’ll be more considerate as she matures but the only way to not have an entitled semi-adult is to not allow them to get away with that attitude!

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