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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Bloody entitled grown up children!

327 replies

PhaedrasChocolate · 29/08/2018 13:50

May very well get lambasted for this, but i need to vent.

I have a 21 year old dd. She is currently transferring to a different university as she hated her course last year. She's been staying with her bf all summer, she doesn't live with me.

I woke this morning to a WhatsApp telling me I need to hurry up and log on to some student accommodation portal and accept being guarantor for her new place...

She's never asked me to be guarantor. This is the first I've heard of any if it, I've had no emails, don't know anything about the portal.

Apparently if I don't do it by the end of today, she's got nowhere to live Hmm She was breathtakingly rude to me on the phone and I'm really pissed off.

Anyway. My point is this. Am I the only parent of dc this age that thinks they are a generation of selfish, entitled little shits? Are they all like this? Me and my mum shouted at each other for a couple of years until I left home, but we had a good relationship after that and still do.

I just don't know how to deal with her. I love her madly, we used to be so close, and then around 17/18 it all changed. I foolishly thought I'd got away with it because she was still lovely as a 15 year old....

How do I deal with this? I don't want to alienate her any more than I have already, but she treats me horribly a lot of the time, and I don't want to put up with it.

OP posts:
DisgustedofSouthend · 29/08/2018 21:38

i.e. you are a 20 year old

scaryteacher · 29/08/2018 21:39

AhNowTed Ds leaves university on Friday at the end of his MA. For those 4 years we have not been asked to be a guarantor for either his Halls or his two years living out.

LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 21:40

DS needed one after university until he had been in his job a year.

LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 21:45

Did you sort it out OP, is DD being a bit more grateful now

Chillywhippet · 29/08/2018 21:51

OP my DD is a similar age. Has finished uni and happily living with boyfriend. I mostly see her when she needs something - washing, money, car accident etc.

I miss her and I'm having to give myself a wobble but it does make it galling if she is rude or inconsiderate as I just don't see her as much (of course) to balance it out.

I'm finding the change much harder than I expected to and I'm wondering if this sort of change is contributing to how you are feeling.

Feel free to ignore!

Aroundtheworldandback · 29/08/2018 21:56

Yes they are all like this. I would let her finish her degree, then she’s on her own. Dd interrupted dh (her step dad) in the middle of a meeting to say he had half an hour to sign. Oh, and could she have her eyelashes done please?!

LightastheBreeze · 29/08/2018 22:03

The thing is, they probably don’t see the guarantor as such a thing, just some papers to sign to guarantee the rent, so she may not realise the significance of it and that it is a big ask of you and not to be taken lightly.

WoollyMollyMonkey · 29/08/2018 22:09

I had to be guarantor for my two children, apart from their first year when they were in university halls. Just ensure you are only guarantoring her part of the rent and not whole household, that’s what I did.

LemonysSnicket · 29/08/2018 23:21

@ReservoirDogs I needed a guarantor in Lancaster in both my student houses

LemonysSnicket · 29/08/2018 23:23

She'll grow out of it Op, I think it's just a maturity thing

VeryBerryAugust · 29/08/2018 23:39

I do think by being overly nice to kids they can not learn enough about boundaries to behaviour.

My DH is lovely but wants to smooth the way too much for the kids imo.
He isn't helping them long-term. As long as you allow room for negotiation there is something to be said for sticking up for your right not to be treated badly.

A bit of friction is inevitable imo. And not to be shied away from if you are both to learn something and develop the relationship from dependant / nurturer to equals by mid twenties or thirty.

Or am I just horrible?

Bluelady · 29/08/2018 23:53

The concept that you can be overly nice with your kids is completely alien to me.

Juells · 30/08/2018 08:22

The concept that you can be overly nice with your kids is completely alien to me.

You certainly can.

Fireworks91 · 30/08/2018 08:54

Depends on how you define nice. We are 'overly nice' to ours by the definition of many but they certainly don't get away with murder or get given whatever they want.

Bluelady · 30/08/2018 08:56

Can we define "overly nice", then?

Babdoc · 30/08/2018 09:13

No, kids are most definitely not “all like this”! I certsinly didn’t bring mine up this way, and they are thoughtful, considerate and caring. They are touchingly protective of me as I’ve been widowed since they were babies - they tell me they want to try and give me back some of the love I gave them when they were small. Far from entitled, they were reluctant to accept mortgage deposits from me and had to be persuaded. They are always encouraging me to spend money on myself instead of saving it for their inheritance.
I couldn’t imagine either of them demanding I act as a guarantor with no prior discussion and no recent contact.
I think maybe modern parents want to be their child’s best friend rather than mother - they give in to everything, don’t establish boundaries or a moral framework, and treat the child as a spoiled princess. And then wonder why the child abuses this by treating them as a doormat and cash machine when they’re older.
I was fortunate to raise my kids in a small village, with a Christian primary school and an excellent church and Sunday school, all of which reinforced the home parenting style of love and responsibility. If other kids misbehaved, their parents would march them round to your house to apologise to you in person - we all sang from the same hymn sheet!
It must be a lot harder to raise kids in a materialist world where they all demand the latest designer crap to compete with each other, and have many rights and no responsibilities, combined with the narcissism of selfies on social media. But parents should still try!

Dungeondragon15 · 30/08/2018 09:16

If it seems that everyone's parent act as guarantors and no one seems to think it is a big deal (and no doubt landlords and estates agents give this impression) she probably doesn't really it's a big favour. It really is though if you are not just guaranteeing her rent but also other people's rent and potential damage. I amazed that so many people are willing to guarantee rent for complete strangers really. I might guarantee my own child's rent but no way would I for other people.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/08/2018 09:24

I was fortunate to raise my kids in a small village, with a Christian primary school and an excellent church and Sunday school, all of which reinforced the home parenting style of love and responsibility. If other kids misbehaved, their parents would march them round to your house to apologise to you in person - we all sang from the same hymn sheet!
It must be a lot harder to raise kids in a materialist world where they all demand the latest designer crap to compete with each other, and have many rights and no responsibilities, combined with the narcissism of selfies on social media. But parents should still try!

Have you actually met any "modern parents" or is this all based on what you have read somewhere?

Motoko · 30/08/2018 09:26

I amazed that so many people are willing to guarantee rent for complete strangers really. I might guarantee my own child's rent but no way would I for other people.

I don't think they are, I think a lot just don't read the small print, and think they're just guaranteeing their child's portion. There were often threads on the housing forum at MSE where a guarantor got stung by the "jointly and severally liable" clause, when they thought they were only guaranteeing their child's portion of the rent.
Many people don't even understand the term. There's a lot of ignorance out there.

Dungeondragon15 · 30/08/2018 09:32

Many people don't even understand the term. There's a lot of ignorance out there.

Yes, I think that Landlords and/or estate agents are really taking advantage of people's ignorance. I bet in a lot of cases, not all parents are even signing the guarantor contract. Afterall, they only need to get one or two signatures. A relative of mine refused for their child and was told it didn't matter because other parents had signed.

SloeBerries · 30/08/2018 09:49

Our eldest did the massive entitled shit from 16-19ish, she then grew into a lovely woman. You can get out the other side

goingonabearhunt1 · 30/08/2018 10:51

This is interesting; I had no idea that needing a guarantor was standard for students. I never needed one (went to uni 2007) and my parents would not have agreed to it. You do have to wonder what students whose parents are on low wages or unemployed do....seems an unfair system.

goingonabearhunt1 · 30/08/2018 10:54

To answer the AIBU I don't think this generation are any more entitled than the previous ones tbh, there's entitled people in every generation. But as the OP's daughter is only 21, it's probably just a phase and she'll grow out of it.

FASH84 · 30/08/2018 10:58

Wow, you wouldn't act as a guarantor so your child can finish their education? Ok she may have been rude about it, that's something else to deal with, but how else do people expect students with no credit history and no full time employment to secure accommodation? (because they are studying, part time wouldn't be enough to guarantee a rental contract).

Motoko · 30/08/2018 11:11

Wow, you wouldn't act as a guarantor so your child can finish their education?

As has been mentioned many times in the thread, OP is on a low income, she's unlikely to be accepted as a guarantor.

This is just another hurdle to education for would be students who come from poor backgrounds. The number of people on here who assume that every parent can afford to pay towards their children's university fees/rent etc, is astonishing. and quite frankly, disappointing.