To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

If the OP were to charge £100 per couple, she'd be making money off her friends!

Not if she was also getting the booze, the breakfast stuff, snacks for the kids etc etc etc, it's a whole weekend and that is just one night. The full package is when a round lump sum contribution makes sense.

Sorry, but you can't ask people to pay £100 to come to a birthday party you're hosting in (as good as) your house. You just can't.

It's not a weekend away, with friends where yes, £XXX would be completely reasonable. It's a party you've chosen to throw.

Vile and common no way is that ok!

@TheDowagerCuntess but it is a weekend away. They’ll be away From home for a weekend

They don’t have to go if they don’t want to.

They're away overnight.

It doesn't matter - as the host, you pay for the food. As them to bring a bottle, but loosen the purse strings when it comes to the food. Anything else is just right.

• right!

costs can mount up. Well they do when your own parents are levying a charge just to get through the fecking door 🙄
In a restaurant you can not only choose to eat what you want, but there's generally no admission charge. And they're fully licenced.
Can't think of a single reason to ask everyone to travel for the privilege of paying for a meal of op's choosing.

FFS - anything else is just tight!

Went to a friend's birthday shindig, nice time had etc etc. End of the night comes and we're instructed to pay £20 per head for the hire of the room and the nibbles they had put out! No prior warning...that was CFery.
I think it depends on your friends.
I think it depends if they know you're paying for the house.
I think it depends on if they would split the bill if you all went out instead.

I would maybe broach it with them and ask if they think it would be a good idea rather than going out with the kids in tow and would they be was £25 each ok?
I would probably provide drinks, wine/beer etc but if they wanted anything special byo.

Sorry - it is a weekend, but that's irrelevant. You still can't ask people to pay for the 40th party you're inviting them to, and hosting.

It's different from a generic weekend away with mates, where everyone would expect to chip in.

By all means ask for contributions for the breakfast food and any other supplies - or just get people to bring stuff. But you can't ask people to pay the actual sit down party meal. Which the OP has already fully acknowledged.

Perhaps not the case but are the PIL charging for the house to cover the cost of the cleaning and laundry when they leave? I’d understand if this was the case.

Honestly I'd pay for everything. In all likelihood guests will bring presents and lots of booze. Possibly they'll offer to give towards food for weekend - you can accept this. It's still a pretty cheap event for you to host. If you can't afford it, come up with another plan for a party.

We will arrive Saturday and stay until Sunday evening.

It is one night. You were correct Dowager. Others haven't RTFT.

Thanks @ionising !

Jackie - the £20 is to cover cleaning, but £80 for the four couples is really so minimal that it shouldn't even be a consideration to past this on to guests, for the 'privilege' of coming to the party.

It's part of the cost of hosting (if the OP's parents insist on passing it on themselves in this instance).

Just how filthy is the op, that it costs £80 to clean up behind her?
If it’s an actual weekly cleaner’s charge, they’d be paid anyway, presumably?
I can’t get my head around this charge at all.

@lakehouse I noticed that too 😂😂

Who is paying to feed the children ?

@kaytee87 , yes I agree just get a curry, most decent people would offer to pay especially if they were getting a weekend away for free. My friends would anyway, then again we are not from a 'sort after ' area x

YANBU
I find myself in a minority but feel it would be OK to ask for money. It sounds that there is a weekend away from home, which is lovely, and a special-celebration meal.
Were this to be in a restaurant, surely it would be fine for peeps to pay for their meal. The fact that it is catered means this is analogous to a restaurant meal - with the convenience of having it at the cottage,highly practical as there are children and no need for sitters, taxis, everyone can have a little booze if desired.
I would find it reasonable to pay, in these circumstances.

The cleaning cost is the cleaning cost - hardly that exorbitant for an outside cleaner to come in and do it, is it?

I still don't think it is even slightly reasonable to pass it on, when you're inviting guests to come and celebrate your birthday.

It’s not exorbitant at all, but my point was that the house would have to be cleaned every so often anyway.
One night’s stay by the op shouldn’t require a special deep clean.

The fact that it is catered means this is analogous to a restaurant meal

No, the fact that it's catered in means it's analogous to having people over / throwing a party. You can't choose what to eat from a menu. Do you charge guests per head when they come to your house?

We have a second home that we let to holiday makers - it has to be cleaned after every use. It's not a deep clean - it's laundry, plus cleaning the kitchen, bathroom, vacuuming.

A house full of people needs to be cleaned after use - you can't avoid that.

If I were hosting this I would do it myself.
A party buffet with savoury and sweet things and birthday cake in the late afternoon when the dc are up.
Then I would say I was doing something like curry and fizz for when the dc went to bed. So that should make the point you will provide a hot meal and some champagne/sparkling wine, but any beer/other drinks would need to be bought by your guests. You could make up a cheeseboard cheaply enough also.

I think it would be a bit off to charge your guests for caterers for one option that you choose.
I would stick with making my own and providing somealcohol.