To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

Check this out OP, my Dbil turned 40 a few years back, rented out a huge house with cinema, got shitloads of booze ( I was there with my DH and our 2 toddlers so not too much chance to let it all hang out) , ect...got private caters in for 2 meals, Costs were split between all adults, at the end of the weekend... I wasn’t too happy about it but didn’t want to seem petty, bill came to £440 PER PERSON. Almost £900 for me and my DH, but okay...he’s 40 he ALSO organised a dinner in a super posh restaurant and invited close friends and family. 6 course dinner which I assumed he would pay for but at the last minute he decided he couldn’t afford it. It was £250.00 EACH. So that also cost us £500.00 I fucking shit you not, his birthday cost us £1600 over the course of 4 days. I’m still SO FUCKING about it. Even though it was a couple years ago. So no...I don’t think £25.00 is a big ask. I was incandescent with rage about it all but DH didn’t want to challenge it as to “not upset his brother”...maybe I need to start my own post!!

If you were arranging the same thing as a hen do for your sister, for example, nobody would bat an eyelid at being asked to pay for the catering! They'd either accept or decline! I wouldn't be annoyed at you asking at all. Sounds lovely and if I could afford it at the time I'd come!
Ignore the flamethrowers. If your friends are nice people, they'll be honest with you.

You’ve had some really horrible comments op. I hope you’re ok!!

I would have no problem whatsoever paying £40 for a family for a weekend away including a meal with friends celebrating a special birthday. It’s absolutely fine as far as I’m concerned!

Please don’t let some of these posts get you down. Forget the negativity and enjoy the celebrations 🎉

lakehouse I’m glad it wasn’t just me 🤣🤣

I would be totally okay with it as above post! Go for it!

I'm not sure if the "battered eyelid" is a food or some sort of violence,lol!!

This is one seriously cringeworthy op.Who hangs out with people like this?!?!

@Luckybe40 OMG how can you ever be friendly with BIL again after that stunt?

That is horrendous. Why did no one say anything??

At least you never have to buy him or his wife any xmas or birthday gifts ever again - hopefully you can make back the 1600 over the rest of his lifetime.

Your parents are providing the house and your guests are paying for their travel and presumably taking holiday to attend. I think you should treat them....

YABVU, in my opinion the host should pay, it will even out over the year if all other couples do the same

It's 17 pages

17 PAGES

She answered and said she would not be charging on page 3 ffs.

Handmaid - party's probably over by now. Poor OP.

serbska it was just brushed under the carpet, we are literally still paying it off. DBIL is a “delicate flower” who can’t take any criticism so no one wanted to say anything. We got him a very expensive present as well. I kept telling DH to get the idea of costs up in the table but he just brushed me off. DBIL isn’t married so took the view that it was his “big do” funnily enough he’s in a long term relationship any now likely to get married. These people get away with murder as no one wants to challenge them!

@Luckybe40 yeouch bet he gets married aboard, on a Tuesday, no children allowed and you have to stay in a really expensive hotel and your DH is best man and has to buy his own suit

If the party was in your own house and by party I mean food and drinks, would you invite people and ask them to bring their own food and drink? Absolutely NOT!

Most people will not arrive empty handed. YOU have chosen to have it somewhere other than your house. If you had booked a room in a hotel would you ask the guests to pay towards the venue? NO.

Where you host is dependent on you. Of course you do not expect people to pay towards it. You are the host. If you can’t afford the party where you want it, change it to a local restaurant and PAY for it. It would be incredibly rude to ask people to contribute other than the usual bottle of plonk they will bring anyway.

It is so kind of your friends to give up their time to celebrate your DH’s birthday. Do not be so crass as to request them to contribute financially. Unbelievable!

I’m assuming that as it’s a sort after area, it has hotels and restaurants?
So your catered meal is not your friend’s only passport in, they can eat (a meal of their own choosing) in the area anytime they please, just like anyone else?
Even the commonality will be allowed in!

Why don't you ask the other 3 couples if they'd mind contributing a dish (starter/dessert/pre-dinner nibbles) - instead of a present for husband ? - maybe you do the main course and drinks and provide a simple supper for the children - make stuff at home and take it with you. Then you have a lovely meal at not much cost and you have provided most of it, plus the accommodation, so hopefully that would suit everyone. Having staff serving you is a bit off-putting and restricts conversation, I think. Have a good weekend.

I would pay on one condition. Over my dead body.

serbska yep! That’s what I’m thinking

If you want to spoil the atmosphere .....go ahead and ask them!

Go with what you have now decided, you provide accommodation, food for the celebration , I would also supply the drinks. And if your guests bring additional drinks, great... enjoy the night

In very simple terms you are inviting so you pay.

Ahh, again, the difference between MN world and the real world. Remember,her, OP, you are unreasonable at the beginning to even contemplate am adult celebrating a birthday, let alone wanting to spend it having fun with friends and family.

Presumably you are not planning on kidnapping your guests and forcing them into socialising with you so assume, therefore, that they are more than happy to spend a bit of time with you and celebrate your husband's birthday.

It sounds a really cheap amd good deal for them in my opinion. A catered for meal is a treat for everyone - because otherwise you and others would spend the entire Saturday afternoon cooking and who wants to do that when you are in a different place? I'd pay up. I have paid up for catering and so have friends of mine because it's not unreasonable at all in the real,world.

I don't think you should charge anyone to stay or eat, but asking each couple to bring or supply a meal for the weekend and a celebratory course, for x, plus a really nice bottle of wine or champagne (not prosecco) is what I would regard as a normal contribution to a birthday get together. That leaves you with ensuring there is loo paper, bread and butter, salad and everyday booze (beer and wine). Entertaining your friends is expensive; we reckon on spending over £400 for the weekend if there are eight people. We often rent accommodation like a nice letting house somewhere we all fancy, and that is usually between £800-1200 for three nights (for eight) in low season.

I don’t think YABU at all OP. Some of these responses are hilarious! how are people so outraged at the thought of contributing 25 PP plus a bit of booze etc for a weekend away in a holiday home by the sea...? Yeah it’s for OPs DH’s birthday but surely I’m not the only one that’s paid my way at a birthday celebration....? I’d be happy with that don’t think your parents at unreasonable for wanting 20 quid towards cleaner and misc costs. They’re hardly profiting.
Whatever you do, have fun!

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