To ask people to pay- 40th birthday party?

[1981m]

Hi all
Looking for some advice and thought her most responses on AIBU.

It's my dh 40th birthday soon. He doesn't want a fuss but I have managed to persuade him to mark the occasion in a small way.

We are going to go to my parents holiday house for the weekend with 3 couples and their dcs. I had the idea to have a sit down meal provided by and served by caterers. This will be adults only after kids gone to bed. This works out about £25 pp for three course meal plus cheeses. AIBU to ask people to pay for this? We are providing the house and all facilities so apart from food it would be only expense for everyone.

We were planning on providing and paying for the drinks that evening for everyone too OR the food and people bring own drinks? Which do you think would be best?

We have been to a few birthdays with a sit down meal and set menu and have always been asked to pay per person before.

I thought it was spelled 'haterz.'

I probably wouldn't.

3 couples and children? I'd just cook something nice myself.

because otherwise you and others would spend the entire Saturday afternoon cooking and who wants to do that when you are in a different place?

You take someone's slow cooker, you pile in a chilli, or Bolognese or lamb shanks in the morning, go do whatever, come back to a good meal that goes well with wine.
I do similar every time friends and I go away. Takes very little time.
I have paid my way at birthdays. Agreed in advance, not agree to a weekend away then get asked extra money for a meal I may not like. If someone said, here let's go away, have a catered meal and you only pay 25x2 (cos couples) and possibly 20 for the house, I can agree or not. If I already agreed to the house for free or £20 I don't then want to be asked for more money. As a guest I will be expected to take a fair bit of booze, cover some meals and take a gift for the birthday and hosts. I think that's enough.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar No it ain’t sarcasm why wats the problem with what I wrote then am I missing something

YABU.
However you do say ‘sort after area’ and ‘battered an eyelid’ so maybe it’s the norm in your circle of friends.....thanks for making me laugh!

Ah some people are not good with the written word.

Op it's a sought after area and batted an eyelid.

It's wrong to invite people to a party then ask them to pay. Maybe set your sights a bit lower; how about all of you getting involved and preparing a meal.

You're the one who wanted to mark your husband's birthday. You should pay.

That’s what it hinges on really, isn’t it? You’re the one who wanted to mark your husband’s birthday
Those likening it to a group of friends deciding to take a mini break together are completely missing the point.

@luckyB40

I think your situation is one where I have no sympathy for you. I think you and your husband are complete mugs for paying the second £500 after the first ridiculous sum . You have only yourself to blame.

I mean seriously, who pays £900+ for someone else's birthday party? then another £500 ? Complete stupidity in my mind.

To the OP, glad you have made the right decision. I think it all hinged on the fact that it wasn't a collective agreement to do the weekend away; you invited people. Your contribution suggestion would work fine in lots of other circumstances.

Crazy to even think about charging them! Bringing in Caterer's is an absolute luxury and your preference - not theirs! You can't expect Guests to pay for a Party that you have invited them to

I wouldn’t have a problem with this.
A free weekend in a holiday home and asked to pay £50 for a nice celebratory meal.

What’s not to like

And I’d run it past the other guests beforehand
If they decided against it ..that’s fine

Ask them to bring their own drinks. I wouldn't ask them to pay for the meal that they don't get a choice I'm picking. Altogether it will cost you what £280, an actaul party would cost you more than that.

I can't believe your parents would charge for use of the house. My parents in law have one too and I'd fall over if they asked for money t use it. Don't family share and help out if fortunate enough to be able to do so ? - I mean they have a second home so can't be on the breadline and it's his birthday FFS.

I'd put on the food and ask people to bring booze. People normally turn up with bottles of wine anyway but this way they'll be in no doubt that they should come well armed with whatever they want to drink. That's polite and it's fair.

I had a sit down meal at a restaurant and paid for everyone's food and drink. I would have been embarrassed to do anything different. What you are proposing is toe curling.

You don't need to buy loads of booze though - polite guests will bring more than they will consume with them without being asked.

But @magoria's idea is a good one too.

Crikey OP bit amazed that your in laws are going to charge you for using the house for their sons birthday. How completely bizarre

I'd be happy to pay £25 for a meal for a friend's birthday. After all, if you go out to a restaurant for a friend's birthday you would expect to pay for your food - and possibly even a share of the birthday boy's meal.

You know your friends better than anyone on here so you know how they would respond to being asked for money. I don't see the big deal personally.

You want to ask people to pay for food at your party at home? Yeah, sorry you are a CF. If you can’t afford a party, you don’t have one or you do it in a cheaper way.

itsnotabigthing the problem was that the house was rented for 4 days, and there was about 15 people who stayed for varying lengths of time. The costs were then split between everyone depending on how long they stayed. Bring family we obviously went for the whole time, I tried so hard to get my DH to get an idea of the costs but it was only at the end after all drink, food ect was taken into account that we knew the final bill. I was fucking raging that it hadn’t been. Sorted in the beginning. And as for the meal, it was a private very exclusive dinner which he had said he would cover. All good. But just at the end of the dinner he seemed to realise how much it was going to cost and then sent an email demanding everyone put their portion of money into his account because he was so short on money! (He had just bought a house) even his not very well off parents! What a fucking knob. I didn’t want to give him anything towards the dinner but my DH didn’t want to rock the boatmy DBIL gets away with murder because he’s far too precious. It makes me SO mad even thinking about it.

Does this run in the family, I wonder? PIL’s charge their son to stay in their house, op invites others to stay and thinks it’s fine to charge for the food they’ll eat...
I know there’s no such thing as a free lunch, but this is ridiculous.

Haven’t read the full thread but when I go away with friends we split the cost equally; food, drinks, accommodation - the lot.

If someone said “we’ve got the use of my parent’s house for the weekend, do you want to come for DH’s birthday?” I wouldn’t expect to pay for the accommodation, so I think you were right to say you would cover the £60. I would, however, ask what the deal was with food. I would assume we would all do a big shop for ‘house food’ then everyone bring their own choice of alcohol. This is what we always do when we go away with friends. I wouldn’t be offended to be asked to pay £25 for a catered three course meal. I would be offended at you choosing my meal for me though

I think it’s quite rude to not offer anything if you’ve been invited away for a weekend. If I was getting free accommodation and a nice weekend away I really wouldn’t expect the hosts to pay for everything. Even if I stay with friends I always ask what I can bring/offer them money etc. Some people are so entitled to say you should provide everything. If they didn’t want to come to celebrate your DH’s birthday they could have just said no.

I would pay if I'm hosting, but really wouldn't mind paying as the costs can mount up. When you're doing a whole weekend that can get very expensive. You'd have been better doing it at the time of the invite though e.g. "I'll get a big shop in, XYZ booze and this catered meal; contributions £100/couple, let me know if your kids need any particular snacks or cereals, if you want any particular booze or we can all pick up any extras at the shop on Saturday."

I have to say I'm really startled at the idea of paying to use a family home though, especially "per couple". I can't imagine how that works with family, it's unbelievable actually.