to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

[BoolaAwa]

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

Sorry. That's meant to say his son in the title, we have a daughter.

What would be the alternative? Would you have to pay for wraparound care?

YANBU at all. Would his child's mother do the same for your child? Doubt it.

You shouldn't be scared to broach any subject with him.

I think he needs to pay for wrap around care for his son.

I think time with your DD should have priority. It's what would work best for you. You'll have to talk it through with DH.

Presumably if you don’t do the childcare for his son then you (as in the both of you as a family) will have to pay for an alternative source of childcare?
Can you work out if you’re still better off financially paying for a childminder or whatever and then or present all the figures to your DP and discuss which option would make most sense

Bit confused
Do you have joint finances?
Do you consider your step son and your daughters half brother a child of the family?

YANBU to do what suits you and your child.

But you need to factor in the cost of wraparound care for DSS into the financial side of the decision (not that you should pay it on your own, but as it’s a family expense for you and DP). It’s not his ex’s responsibility to provide or pay for childcare on DPs days.

@AJPTaylor we have some joint and some separate.
Yes they are a child of the family but they live a long way away and I would be spending less time with my own child, paying more money, so he can have more time with his whilst he has to make no alternative working arrangements whatsoever and gets to carry on like normal. It's frustrating and it's all on me by the looks of things.

@Glumglowworm oh absolutely. Fully understand that they are his days and we would need to sort something out!

My stepchildren are adults now but one of the things I regret was stepping up too much and taking on too much of the ‘wifework’ involved in looking after them. It caused a huge amount of resentment. So YANBU at all. Discuss it with your DP and let him sort it out.

Have you thought about alternative options? It would probably be easier to broach the subject with DP if you have a few viable options and can explain why they're better.

For example, if afterschool club costs £8 but you would save £20 in nursery fees so overall its cheaper (numbers totally made up, I have no idea of costs!).

Is wrap around care for his son cheaper than care for your dd? If that’s the case then it’s a no brainier imho and would be what would happen in a family with two siblings full time.

Or can't you just take DD with you to school pick up and look after both of them?

So, you compress your days, lose 400 of your nursery fees but it means stepson goes to afterschool club 2 days a week?
Sounds like the sort of thing parents with 2 kids do all the time. Presumably afterschool club would be 10/12 a day so still financially sensible. What about school hols?

@Cornettoninja the fact is also two siblings would likely be in the same city or at least close to each other. In this case they aren't...

i think you have to do whats best for yourself and your own child

@AJPTaylor DP would have to do the pick up though based on me compressing my hours and being at work really late 3x a week and he doesn't finish work until late. His son is in a different city and he wouldn't be able to get there until gone 6. He's out super early in the morning so no idea how drop offs would work. I want to just say 'it's not my fault. What would you do if you were single? This is up to you to sort out' but I just feel so guilty. I feel like I'm going to just give in, keep working the way I'm working, be out of pocket, see my child less and work more we hours in order for him to have his doh for the short amount of time that he does

YANBU

I would let them know as far as possible in advance. Tbh I wouldn't see it as my problem to resolve.

Agree with AJPTaylor

I feel like I'm going to just give in, keep working the way I'm working, be out of pocket, see my child less and work more we hours in order for him to have his doh for the short amount of time that he does

Why would you do that? You need to put your own DC first. Let DP and his XP sort it out between them. Maybe if push comes to shove she will actually change her hours. You sound like you are afraid of his reaction?

@happypoobum I am worried about his reaction. He will throw a strop and I will be made to feel like when U agreed to help him with childcare that I agreed to do it forever. But I didn't.

*when I

I need it's time for him to explore some flexible working arrangements. No way should it all be on you.

You shouldn't be scared to broach it with him, you're helping him out massively at the moment, just put it the way You've put it in your OP, this is the situation, I'd planned to do this which would save us xyz, so I can't continue to do pick up and drop off, my work can't offer me consolidated hours on any other days, or I continue the way things are baby goes to childcare more, and it costs us a shit ton of money. Or you'll have to arrange something else, even if both were your biological children it's his responsibility to organise things too, not just yours

He needs to talk with his work, the same way you’ve talked with your work.

Is there another option for flex with your work that doesn’t involve compressed hours?

You both need to compromise for the good of all the children in the family.

It really isn’t your fault or your problem to solve, so please try not to feel guilty!

He’s a father. Through circumstances he lives far away from one of his children. He needs to sort out childcare and arrangements to collect that child. Millions of parents have similar struggles (whether they’re together or not).

Is flexible working an option for him? Or moving to a different job where it would be? Obviously I know there are jobs where it just can’t be done, but there’s plenty where it could be but employers are awkward about it.