to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

[BoolaAwa]

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

Your DP does not have some God given right to free childcare from you. Time for him to man up and come up with a solution.

Have you looked into childminders, they do school pick ups and can offer longer hours

No you don't actually need to convince him, you only need to tell him so he can put something else in place.

YOUR TIME IS NOT HIS TO SPEND, YOU ARE NOT AN INDENTURED SERVANT WHO NEEDS TO BEG HER MASTER FOR TIME OFF

Two years with different school runs. I think he saw mug when he got with you OP.
Are you beginning to see why he's somebody else's ex?

YANBU

AT ALL

I don’t think Op should be looking into childminders, it suggests the problem is hers to solve. Her DP needs to look into a childminder.

Honestly. I think your DP is being a bit of a knob about this. I don't understand why you're the one footing the bill for childcare or why all childcare is down to you. You may have agreed at the time but it was based on circumstances at the time. What has really riled me is his comment "why didn't you think about this at the time?!".....does that mean he doesn't have a brain and you have to do all of his thinking for him? Was he not capable of thinking about these things himself, that things may change. When you decided to have a baby together did he not question about possible "what if" childcare arrangements? In our house we've always discussed these things as we go along.

No you shouldn't have to foot the (knock on effect) bill and you should be able to change your hours to benefit you. If wrap around care is not going to work for him, what about a childminder? We have some in our area who work beyond 6pm. I sense though that if you give up the days you collect his son, he's going to ask you to foot the bill for childcare because you're the one giving up the school run....

hes taking the piss if he gives you any grief at all over this. Youre not married. Its not your kid, and youve already been doing it for years.
He can sort out childcare somehow.

His kid. His responsibility. Do not feel guilty.

Even if you continue the way you are, what will happen when your child goes to school? You can't pick them both up at the same time.

I sense though that if you give up the days you collect his son, he's going to ask you to foot the bill for childcare because you're the one giving up the school run....

Well I hope the OP nips that in the bud if he does.

He could turn around in a year or two, chuck OP out, and she would have no comeback for the time and lost income she spent giving this man free childcare for his convenience. It sounds like he doesn't even appreciate it, but simply takes it for granted as his due.

Honestly. I think your DP is being a bit of a knob about this

Agree. Except I think he’s a massive knob.

His child/time isn’t more important that yours.

He’s making you think childcare/drop off for his child is his responsibility when it simply isn’t

Please prioritise your child. You’ll never get the time back with them!

@RomanyRoots no, I haven't been a mug. I offered. It suited me. I enjoyed the time with his son. He contributed more financially. He fills my fuel tank up. He tells me how much he appreciates it. I really haven't been a mug and made the decision myself to help him out whilst I could. I just can't do it now.

His ex is his ex for an entirely different reason.

Pay for your own petrol and let him pay for his own childcare. I suspect one costs quite a bit more than the other, especially as you will be using less petrol when not driving between two different cities to provide childcare.

Just want to reiterate what others have said. You need to put your DD first in this situation you will never get this time back and I think you will end up resenting your DP in the future as well.

I hope he is understanding.

Do you currently work part time? If his DS is in a different city, do you have time to do both pickups after work? How will it work when your DD goes to school? Will you be expected to put your DD in childcare to still collect his DS? You need to do now what works for you.

You're not married so you would be daft to cut back your earning potential for your child let alone your partner's child.

Absolutely!!!

But he can collectbhis child but just later. So that will be the new way forward!

Things change.

Let's try and work it out.

How far is the drive to school from your home?

What time do you start work?

What time does nursery open?

Yy I came on to ask how you will do school runs for schools so far apart too.

He has had 2 years of frequent contact with his ds because of your sacrifice.
Please don't feel bad about pulling back from this now that you need to.

@sunstarsmoon drive from home to school is 19 miles. Would then have to drive back to catch my train as I can't park at work.

Door to door from home to work is 1 hour.

I can start work any time but will be doing 30-35 hours between 3-4 days (this isn't completely decided yet). I won't be able to get to work too late.

Nursery opens at 7. Closes at 5:30.

DP starts work at 7am, leaves at 6:30. Gets home at 5:30/6 every night.

I would sit him down and say look my hours are changing so childcare will also be changing, and that I am unable to continue with the childcare arrangements for your son that has previously been the case.

Now I will give you enough time to discuss with your ex a possible compromise or alternative arrangement for your son but this will have to be sorted sooner rather than later as my company are waiting for me to start my new hours.

If he kicks off say to him, I have been good enough to provide the lapse in childcare that you have been unable to provide the last 2 years, but this was never a permanent arrangement and I helped out where I could so rather than discuss the situation with me, the person you should be discussing it with is your sons mother.

When I read MN I often think divorced men look for , and move in with , a new woman because they need a free nanny.

OP stand your ground it is not just your problem. I don’t understand where the mum comes in to this, does she not do school runs? Why just you? This is a problem for all THREE of you to sort out not just you. One day you will want to return to work/career etc and you will be behind because of them and that’s not fair!

I agree with others who say this is not your problem to find a solution to. You tell him you're changing your hours so you can't do the school run anymore. It's not for him to agree, it's for him to accept.

I think he does have to make some compromise somehow. It can't just all be on your shoulders and to your detriment. You'll be sacrificing career and earnings, and YOU HAVE NO LEGAL PROTECTION. You'll be worse off, taking a financial hit and a career hit, making his life easier to continue with absolutely no compromise on his part, and he could turn around and say the 'I love you but I'm not in love with you' crap line and POOF! It's all gone.