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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

165 replies

BoolaAwa · 28/08/2018 18:09

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

OP posts:
Chickychoccyegg · 28/08/2018 23:51

so do you drop off and collect dss from school in a different town , is it quite far away?
I don't think it makes sense to have dss staying during the week if this is the case, dp needs to go back to court and get an agreement for eow

F1reintheWh0le · 29/08/2018 00:01

Suggest phoning taxi companys and ask them how much it would cost to do the school run for his child, so that you have a bench mark price. It is not your child, so I don't see why you have any obligation to look after them. Your priorities have changed due to your new child. I agree, due to not being married, you need to financially protect yourself and your job and child. He and the mother need to come up with an alternative plan. How old is the child, can they get the bus to school ?

nailak · 29/08/2018 00:05

If you are all a family and consider both of the children part of your household and have joint finances
Then your change in childcare costs and working hours has to take into consideration the price of
A) paying childcare for his son
Or
B) going back to court to change the agreement.

What would the impact of 2 days of wraparound childcare be on your household, would it mean your dp could go longer fill up your tank, or that his budget would be tighter and the luxuries/ essentials he contributes to the household would be effected?

You will be £400 better off, your dp will be worse off.
Your DP should also be contributing to childcare costs for the child you have together, it shouldn't all be on you.

choli · 29/08/2018 02:14

Surely as the DD belongs to both they are each 200 better off?

rainbowstardrops · 29/08/2018 02:46

Your partner and his ex need to rethink the current set up and make some changes.
It's not your problem.
Tell your partner.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 02:57

He is responsible for his child, and needs to sort it out. What would he do if he was single!

Frogpond · 29/08/2018 03:02

Not unreasonable, the step child may have to go to care instead. You have tried to swap the days but can't. Enjoy the time with your daughter, just talk to your partner about it.

Shoxfordian · 29/08/2018 05:32

He's not sounding great tbh
Sulks when he doesn't get his own way
Expects you to take care of his child for him

Someone said he's choosing who to inconvenience here and they're right. Don't carry on avoiding the issue op.

fixingabrokenhesrt · 29/08/2018 06:06

He needs to find a way to fund HIS childcare without impacting you in away.. if he even suggests stopping filling your tank to do that then you know he only sees you as childcare and then you can LTB

Motoko · 29/08/2018 08:04

Sulking to get his own way is a form of coercion. He knows you don't like to confront him, so uses it as a way to get you to do what he wants. How is that the actions of someone who's supposed to love you?

Time to grow a backbone and stand up for yourself OP. I also don't see much of a future for this relationship, so it's even more important that you strengthen your financial independence.

5LeafClover · 29/08/2018 08:17

Yanbu

You would also nbu to have a long think about his arguing style (you don't sound very listened to or supported), your financial situation ( including pensions) and your housing security.

What exactly does he do to balance your ( massive) input into your household? Is he always sulky/bullying if you ask him to do something he doesn't want to? What did he tell you about his ex partner and why they split?

Frogpond · 29/08/2018 08:33

I suggest telling him you won't change, and he needs to sort it out. Then leave it, let him complain, he will soon realise he has to organise care. Don't feel bad, it was fantastic that you could care for your SS as long as you did.

MagicFajita · 29/08/2018 08:36

Your partner needs to understand that when a baby comes along everybody has to change and do more.

I hope your talk goes well op , I hope you can come to a compromise that suits both children and means an equal workload for the adults.

MaybeDoctor · 29/08/2018 10:10

Difficult situation. Put it another way, he would be hard pressed to find a nanny who would be willing to drive 19 miles each way on the school run whilst also looking after a baby.

In the long run you may need to reconsider the geography of all this, especially when the school years loom for your DD. Can you move closer?

ToesInWater · 29/08/2018 10:37

Your DP's circumstances have changed (not unusual after two years) so the arrangements he could agree to in Court are no longer possible. People's circumstances change all the time - new partners, kids, relocation etc. Your DP and his ex are responsible for their child, they need to renegotiate. I work as a mediator with separated families, it's not unusual. Ironically I spent three hours today working with a couple where the woman flatly refused to agree to her ex's partner having any involvement in their arrangements for drop offs/pick ups etc. as she said it was their dad's responsibility. Don't get guilted into doing something that doesn't work for you.

BunnyCarr · 29/08/2018 10:39

Seeing as you're not married and you wouldn't have a leg to stand on if he fucks off, I say YANBU.

I think you're being used.

worridmum · 29/08/2018 10:48

Can you afford to live if his money reduces aka you say he pays for a larger share of the bills? Would you be able to cover the shortfall if he decides that he needs to re look at finances and mean you have to now cover 50% of all bills?

Because that is the only fair way to do it.

GaraMedouar · 29/08/2018 11:00

Your DP needs to sort childcare for his son. You want to compress days to have more time with your daughter. Do not miss out on that. Things change and it may be time for his DS to not come as much during the week. Or your DP sorts a childminder or a taxi to transport his son. Stop doing all the wifework, you will run yourself ragged.

sunshinewithabitofdrizzle · 29/08/2018 11:50

When my dd started school we dropped the midweek nights with her dad as it just wasn't practical anymore as he lived a fair way away, so did weekends only. Our arrangement is he has her 3 out of 4 weekends. We split when she was a baby and she's 17 now and it's always worked out well for us. We do swap weekends if/when it's needed but otherwise 3/4 works well. If it's no longer practical to have your dss during the week then things have to change, regardless of what the original agreement was.

Allthewaves · 29/08/2018 11:55

If ex won't change days then won't you have to pay child care for dss if you can't have him?

AdoreTheBeach · 29/08/2018 12:04

That you’re talking about how things change is very valid. Right now it’s about nursery days and work schedule. Looming ahead in a few years are the school runs for your own DC. At that time, you’ll not be able to do the school run for DSC as you’ll be taking your own DC to school - so better to have these discussions early and solutions sorted because it will only change again. Additionally, DSC may change schools for junior school, then senior school, so more change in future.

DH will have to realise things change and together you’ll need to work out strategies to adapt to each change.

AnEPleaseBob · 29/08/2018 12:09

I want to just say 'it's not my fault. What would you do if you were single? This is up to you to sort out' but I just feel so guilty

But he isn't single is he? I see the problem, and I would feel the same, but I would never have got involved with such a setup in the first place. Isn't it a bit much to go from we're a family when it suits, to its not my problem, its your kid not mine, you have to deal with it?

This is something you need to work out together, as a family. You can't just dump the kid as part of your family when its no longer convenient for you.

LeighaJ · 29/08/2018 12:50

@user1486915549

"When I read MN I often think divorced men look for , and move in with , a new woman because they need a free nanny."

I often think the same thing. :/

AngelsSins · 29/08/2018 13:11

NO, NO, NO. You’re not married, you do not sacrifice your earning potential and career to provide free childcare for this man. Why the fuck should you do that? HE needs to be the one to make sacrifices for his child, not look for a free nanny in the form of a new partner.

Tell him how things are changing, when he sulks, point out he should be grateful for all of the free childcare you’ve already provided him with, to stop being a gold digger, and that he needs to take responsibility for his own son, not expect you to keep making sacrifices so that he doesn’t have to.

AngelsSins · 29/08/2018 13:15

Isn't it a bit much to go from we're a family when it suits, to its not my problem, its your kid not mine, you have to deal with it?

Isn’t it a bit much for him to expect a woman he isn’t even married to, to sacrifice her own finances in order to provide him with thousands of pounds worth of free childcare so that he doesn’t lose a penny? Doesn’t sound rather gold digger-ish to you?

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