to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

[BoolaAwa]

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

Well let him throw a strop. So long as you mean he will be cross and sulky rather than aggressive?

He can be as stroppy as he likes, tell him it's not negotiable and he and XP need to sort out care for their DC, whist you are sorting out care for yours.

I want to just say 'it's not my fault. What would you do if you were single? This is up to you to sort out' but I just feel so guilty.

I actually think you need to say this. I'm not saying that his child is his sole responsibility, but he owes it to both of you to play an equal part in solving the problem. Thus far, you have solved the problem for him, but that isn't sustainable. If you say nothing and carry on as you are, resentment will build and that will poison your relationship. You need to work this out together, not accept that this problem is yours and yours alone.

@happypoobum oh no never aggressive towards me!

If you are not married you HAVE to put your bank balance and dd first. He could walk away tomorrow leaving you with your DD to look after on a low income because you prioritised his child.

His DC's childcare is not your problem to sort out. His career does not take priority over yours and he needs to step up and be a parent to his DC and not leave all the legwork to you.

Explain that you are increasing your hours and how you won't be able to do the school runs for his DS any more and then let him sort it out.

If you were a family with completely joint family/legal partners etc it would be different, but you're not so you have to put yourself first.

I'm so stressed out by it. He just keeps saying 'well tell your work you can only do this day'. 'Well why didn't you think of this when you agreed to it otherwise I would have had a different arrangement when I went to court'. Etc etc. But things change don't they? I just don't see how when I agreed to help him that he thought I meant I would be doing the school run for his son for the rest of his school years. I'm so frustrated. I just want to do what's best for my finances and my child, whilst also not making his child feel left out or preventing them from seeing each other.

Generalising HUGELY but many men worry they won’t be taken seriously if they drop any hours and they say they “can’t” when really they mean they won’t even ask. Women ask. He needs to ask for flex.

How long have you been doing school pick-ups and drop-offs? Surely you also worked FT if you’re talking about compressing to 3 days, so has it just been whilst on maternity leave?

When DC get to school age arrangements often need to vary. So he needs a discussion with his ex too.

His child, his responsibility to sort. I'd be telling him that he'll find himself with the same problem when he becomes single, for refusing to realise this.

My own child would always come first. I'd never sacrifice time with them for someone else's child.

it's not right that you feel you can't have a conversation with him about it. is he normally a sulker? does he know you are going on to compressed hours? you need to talk about this. if this thing of you being too scared to discuss normal day to day ballache stuff with him because of his moods or nasty comments is normal for your relationship, you have bigger problems than childcare.

@NoSquirrels he can't do part time. I won't go in to the ins and outs of his job but it really is an inflexible job. It's so, so annoying but there's bugger all he can do about it.

I did them for almost a year before my mat leave and throughout my mat leave (bar the first few weeks obviously but thankfully he was able to take leave for this).

He is expecting you to change your working hours to suit his needs but not willing to consider doing the same himself?

I would do what is best for you and your child. If seeing his son is that much of a priority, he will need to show it by making a flexible working request (as thousands of women have to do)

well tell your work you can only do this day'. 'Well why didn't you think of this when you agreed to it otherwise I would have had a different arrangement when I went to court

I’d be telling him both these statements apply to him too.

Why didn’t HE think of it even he went to court? Why doesn’t HE tell his work he can only do particular days?

He needs to explore his options for flexible working too, this isn’t just your issue that resolve. He’s makung you feel overly responsible - you aren’t, it’s his child.

Exactly what Nosquirrels says 👍🏻

Do what’s best for you and your own child. The reason I say this is, if it wasn’t for you then DP would either have to fight the court battle or sort his own childcare arrangements out for his child.

What makes you fearful about telling him your decision to put your child first?

He might well have an inflexible job.

But he has the legal right to ask for flexible working (just like you) and his work have the legal right to deny it if there are valid business reasons (just as your work have denied certain days off to you).

If he doesn’t even ask, then his case to his ex for varying days to ones that are more achievable will look weak.

So he needs to at least try.

I am very good at avoiding confrontation. This thread really is helping me realise what I need to say though. That makes me sound pathetic, he's not awful, he's a bit sulky, but I'm also a massive avoider. It makes things worse sometimes!

You're not married so take extra care of your finances and career or you could be in a very risky position.
This absolutely is not your problem to solve .
The child's parents need to work it out themselves.

So what’s best for you OP! He will have to step up and sort this out with his Ex.

I think having a child during the week when they live a considerable distance away doesn’t work. How far do they live?

DHs ex moved 40mins away from us and the opposite direction to his work and we had to switch from midweek/eow to weekends only sadly as once she was at school the back and forth couldn’t happen very easily.

I agree it’s his issue to find a solution for though

I might also be inclined to point out that if he ended up treating me like a childcare service available purely for his own advantage, he might find himself living apart from 2 children and scheduling access would be a REAL ball-ache for him then...

It’s really unlikely that his workplace won’t consider any flexible working arrangement at all- it doesn’t always mean reducing hours. It could be compressing hours but still working full time, or asking to start/ finish earlier or later to at least allow him to do either the drop off or pick up.

Putting it bluntly- you aren’t married and there’s no way I’d reduce my take home income to facilitate my DP’s child, who has two parents to sort it out between them already. That might sound harsh, but reverse the sexes involved here and you wouldn’t find many men doing it either.

Do you live together? If you do then childcare for both children should be discussed as a family and worked out the best that suits the whole family completely. That's my opinion.

If you do not live as a family then you need to sort out you and your daughter as a first priority.

And you shouldn't feel nervous talking to your partner.

He needs to sort out wrap around cover.

You are together so this does need to be a joint decision and his DS needs to be seen as part of your blended family and not a problem that he alone must resolve.

@minmooch we do live together as a family. His child is just with us less time, but is no less a part of the family. This is why I feel so bad and it's for this reason really that I am being such a wimp about it. I feel guilty that I would potentially be putting my child first which would mean he had less time with his...