to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

[BoolaAwa]

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

If ex won't change days then won't you have to pay child care for dss if you can't have him?

I certainly hope that the child's father will pay for the child care for his child.

Sorry I got a bit confused by it all - but can I just say - you have a very much my child and his child thing going on in your mind. I think it’s a bit unusual if you are in a long term relationship with him. Do you not consider yourself a family? In families people do the best they can for all their children. Sometimes this means one child gets more attention than another because they need it more but then at other times the balance shifts again. In my mind you should be looking at this as what’s best for both your children. Because in theory he is your stepson.

Your DP and his ex need to work out what will work for the benefit of THEIR JOINT child.

Court action, really? Can they really not put their child first rather than being silly about it? You've been looking after her child for a while by the sounds of it. Well now you can't. So something has to change and she needs to grow up and change the days unless there is a MASSIVELY good reason not to.

What responsibility is he planning to take for arranging childcare for the child you have together? It seems you assume that this is totally your problem as well? Why does he get to not have to deal with any childcare for either of his kids?

sn’t it a bit much for him to expect a woman he isn’t even married to, to sacrifice her own finances in order to provide him with thousands of pounds worth of free childcare so that he doesn’t lose a penny? Doesn’t sound rather gold digger-ish to you?

Not really, it sounds like something OP willingly signed up and now wants to unilaterally change without discussion or negotiation.

I'm a bit confused. Is it your partner's son who is the child you pick up or your partner's grandchild? If it's your partner's grandchild (so your step grandchild) then the child's own parents should be organising the childcare and not be so reliant on you.

At some point your DD is going to start at school and then what are you going to do?

As you're not married, you could just walk out, what would your DP do then?

Where’s your dss’s mum in all of this?

It’s ok to change. Your life has changed so you can’t keep doing this. Don’t reduce it to ‘my child vs your child’ but do make it clear that the situation can’t go on.

@anepleasebob. OP isn’t unilaterally just changing the plan. There’s a BIG difference to circumstances now. OP has her own child and needs to factor in time with her child, daycare costs and work schedule. Even if OP worked every day and put her daughter into nursery, how on earth could she travel 19 miles every morning to do school run for stepson, drop daughter at nursery THEN have an hour train journey to work. That’s a serious change in routine adding another child into the morning routine in addition to the 19 mike journey and hour commute. Goodness the OP deserves a medal for what she did before baby.

I'm just re-reading your title - it's not for your benefit surely, it's for your (joint) small child's benefit! Would it help you feel less guilty if you think about what you'd do if both children were biologically yours? I think I'd still opt for having the older child in after-school care 2 days if it was the only way I could look after my 1 year old for 2 days instead of her being in childcare all week.

I think your DP is being rather U but perhaps he's just stressed about the situation. But yes unfair to put all the responsibility on you - needs a joint discussion.

Seems like the most sensible option would be to change DP's contact days to the days you're off (if you're still willing to collect him). Could you sell it to the ex as: Work will only let you have days A and B off. So you/DH can continue having DSS on days C and D but he'll need to be in childcare till after 6 followed by a long journey to yours. You & DH are happy to sort and pay for this childcare but it might be a bit boring/tiring for DSS. Or, you can swap to days A and B and you can continue picking him up. What does she think would be best? If she refuses to swap days, it's only her own DS she's hurting (unless of course she can't swap due to work etc). Good luck!

"Because in theory he is your stepson"

Yep OP Didnt you get the memo thats what stepmums are FOR To clean up after their partners child..........cook their meals do their washing But must never say anything.

stepmums must just do the work (even for a partner who isnt willing to give them any security via marriage) and must be seen but not heard.

In theory the OP is her partners common law wife ittakes2 (now theres an ironic username considering what you posted) but we all know how that pans out if they were to split dont we!

If you were married and you had all the financial protection afforded thus, then OP would be in a position to take one for the team and reduce her working hours. However if it goes tits up with her DP she will need to pay her bills and childcare and so needs to keep that in mind. Her DP's son is not her responsibility.

Your work pattern is changing. You've helped your partner out, and he now needs to make alternative childcare plans.

you have a very much my child and his child thing going on in your mind.

Well I'm thinking the same thing but in a different respect. His son and her daughter, when actually it's their daughter.

She's genuinely considering inconveniencing their daughter to keep things the same for his son.

And he's not her stepson. Not until the man marries her, and she has some legal protection. At it is now, she could do another two years of school runs for his son, and then he could tell her to leave because he's fallen for someone at work. "Sorry about the impact on your career, sorry you invested all that time making sure my life runs smoothly. Bye!"

What responsibility is he planning to take for arranging childcare for the child you have together? It seems you assume that this is totally your problem as well? Why does he get to not have to deal with any childcare for either of his kids?

Yep