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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

165 replies

BoolaAwa · 28/08/2018 18:09

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

OP posts:

Gemini69 · 28/08/2018 19:57

I literally cannot believe what I am reading OP..... I hope you get this resolved in YOUR favour asap...

choli · 28/08/2018 20:01

I hope we are not making you defensive OP. It's just, for me anyway, I've read so many stories over the years on MN of women who provide free childcare, etc, for the kids of their DP, while having no financial protection (not on mortgage, not on deeds, not on lease), sacrificing their earning potential for the DP's convenience, only to find themselves unceremoniously dumped when he no longer needs the free childcare, etc.

Movablefeast · 28/08/2018 20:03

I don’t understand, this child has two parents who should be figuring out this problem, not the OP. Please put your own needs first, your partner is not stepping up to the plate as the ACTUAL parent, instead he is expecting you to make all the sacrifices. Do not be intimidated by his moods into going against you and your DD’s best interests. It makes no sense that you are seeing her less.

Thebluedog · 28/08/2018 20:07

Your DO either needs to change his hours or find a job that is more flexible.

It drives me to distraction when men (ok I’m sure some women too), simply say things like ‘I can’t change my hours’ ‘my job won’t allow flexibility’ ‘I can’t leave early’ - yet expect their partners to do all of that and more, and chase round doing drop offs, pick ups, sickness, after school clubs etc, all whilst in employment.

You’re right OP, if you and his ex dropped dead tomorrow he’d HAVE to step up and sort it. The reason he’s not is because he knows he can chuck a strop and you’ll sort it for him.

You really do need to make it clear to him it’s his dc (and trust me I’d be saying the same if this thread was about your joint dc)
And he needs to put his children first. If he really can’t or won’t do a job that allows for this then he needs to find and resource childcare. If he’s not prepared to do that he need to raise the cash to go back to court. Your situation is now very different to what it was when the agreement was made in court so he would be VU to say that as a reason you need to accommodate this situation

eggsandwich · 28/08/2018 20:08

Oh another thought, what hypothetically if you and your Dp were to split up, you wouldn’t still do his childcare for him! So he’d have to sort it.

Also does the ex have a partner or husband to help as well, if she does but he can’t because of his hours then I rest my case.
It’s for your partner and his ex to sort out, step away and make it clear childcare is to change and give him a deadline.

Beaverhausen · 28/08/2018 20:14

HI OP not sure if you have done this but maybe wait till the kids are in bed and then sit down all media off and put away and just talk about it and see if the two of you can not come to some kind of solution.

Do not be afraid to broach this subject with him, he needs to see it from your point too. And who knows maybe the two of you together can come to some sort of solution.

Numberofthemouse · 28/08/2018 20:22

OP I suspect you need too be 'broken record' repeat that you can't look after his child on those days. Then when the changed days come make absolutely sure that he can't just leave and abandon his DS with you. He sounds entitled.

eddielizzard · 28/08/2018 20:22

If your DP was a single parent, what would he have to do? What do single mums have to do all the time? Find another job that fits in better with school hours, potentially take a pay cut, not be able to further their careers. Life is tough. But this is not your sacrifice to make. Just thinking about this makes my blood boil.

BertieBott · 28/08/2018 20:26

I worked with a boss who ‘had to’ be there from 8am to 6.30 five days a week. It was even a factor in his divorce. EXCEPT there was no need for him to be there. He micromanaged.

7am to 6.30 is over 50 hours per week. Full time is considered to be something like 36.
He doesn’t want a drop in lifestyle and income to collect his kid.

He doesn’t want to rock the boat by asking at work for time off.

Even a crucial job could ask to finish at 4pm 2 days a week or whatever.

Someone has to be inconvenienced.
His work,
Him,
His ex
or you

He doesn’t want to inconvenience himself or rock the boat with work or his ex, so he’s made the choice to inconvenience you.

LeftRightCentre · 28/08/2018 20:26

Boola I really hope you are listening to the wise posts like bluedog and eddie. You are not married to this man, you must put your earning potential first. He needs to sort out alternatives for his son. I'd present this as a fait accomplit.

Softkitty2 · 28/08/2018 20:35

Sorry to be blunt but grow some backbone. Or keep avoiding the situation and pleasing everyone else and live with the consequence.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 28/08/2018 20:43

When I read MN I often think divorced men look for , and move in with , a new woman because they need a free nanny.

^^This.

eddielizzard · 28/08/2018 20:45

Yes, I've read a couple of threads where the DP refuses to do childcare any more and they get dumped. Makes me sick.

Butterymuffin · 28/08/2018 20:55

Plenty of women have to change career or look for a new employer because their current job doesn't fit in with parenting/ childcare. Having a penis doesn't automatically exempt him from that.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 28/08/2018 20:55

So many times its the woman, be her the mother of the child or the dad's partner, who sacrifices her time and usually finances for "the benefit of the family." There will be a compromise somewhere, it means the child's father will have to make some changes but good relationships have compromises in them. If he gets stroppy or refuses to look at other solutions (ie trying to force you to be the only one making changes) then that tells you all you need yo know. His comfort and routine shouldn't come above yours.

Also, I wholeheartedly agree with this...When I read MN I often think divorced men look for , and move in with , a new woman because they need a free nanny.

MissVanjie · 28/08/2018 21:01

When I read MN I often think divorced men look for , and move in with , a new woman because they need a free nanny.

thirded

I am gobsmacked he went to court and managed to make his case with op not even there, just this invisible wifework facilitator in the background

op you are not married, you need to protect your own interests at once, this is a bloke who's not fussed about going to court if he has to. plus attack is the best form of defence, if you go into this difficult conversation from a position of 'I am doing unpaid work that facilitates and enriches your relationship with your ds, and unfortunately I can't continue this forever, particularly when it affects my earning potential, and oh while we're on that subject I would like to talk about my rights to our family home' you are in a stronger position than if you sidle up all apologetic going 'err I'd really like to stop doing this, is it ok if I do'

funinthesun18 · 28/08/2018 21:10

OP you’ve had a lot of good advice and nice supportive posts on this thread. When I read it I was pleasantly surprised given the subject it covers.

YANBU. Don’t be afraid of talking to talk him about it. It really does beg the question, what would he do if he was single? If he thinks on those lines then he may get the answer to his childcare rather than using you. Your time with your child is priority to you and he needs to realise that.

choli · 28/08/2018 21:17

When I read MN I often think divorced men look for , and move in with , a new woman because they need a free nanny.

Bonus points if the new woman is a single mother who will count herself lucky to have the chance to SAHM with her child - and her new partner's child. Until it's no longer convenient for him.

greenlanes · 28/08/2018 22:28

@MissVanjie I am gobsmacked he went to court and managed to make his case with op not even there, just this invisible wifework facilitator in the background This is because the family court refuse to accept that such a thing as wifework even exists and the real cost (time, money and emotional/stress) to women. It is disgraceful. So men refuse to pay maintenance, demand 50:50 yet do not do all of the wifework.

HelenaDove · 28/08/2018 22:55

this is why i would never date a man with children . Stepmums are much more likely to end up doing the drudge work than stepdads are because childcare is seen as womens work.

He is taking the piss OP. i bet hes one of those that doesnt do marriage either.

HelenaDove · 28/08/2018 22:56

greenlanes Tue 28-Aug-18 22:28:08

"@MissVanjie I am gobsmacked he went to court and managed to make his case with op not even there, just this invisible wifework facilitator in the background This is because the family court refuse to accept that such a thing as wifework even exists and the real cost (time, money and emotional/stress) to women. It is disgraceful. So men refuse to pay maintenance, demand 50:50 yet do not do all of the wifework."

this X several million.

OctaviaOctober · 28/08/2018 23:16

We can only go by your posts. I'm sure he has positive qualities, but if he would rather you inconvenience yourself, your career, your finances, and your time with your child just so he doesn't have to arrange his other child's transport, you have a problem. And as pp's have said, you are vulnerable, you have no legal protection if he walks away one day.

There will be a solution that works - a childminder willing to drive him, breakfast club/afterschool club. He just has to find it. Or if he's not willing to change his lifestyle at all, maybe he'll have to be a weekend and holiday parent for a while (and lump the responsibility onto his ex in the process, but at least she's the child's parent.)

Fishface77 · 28/08/2018 23:21

Even if you did the childcare would you drag your child 76 miles a day to and from school? That’s a lot of time in the car for a baby!
Based on 19 miles to school then back twice a day.

Holidayshopping · 28/08/2018 23:24

How many days a week do you currently take his child and collect them from school? How many does your partner do and how many does the child’s Mother do?

Tiredtomybones · 28/08/2018 23:37

Yanbu

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