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AIBU?

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Original poster

to stop providing childcare for his daughter for my own benefit?

165 replies

BoolaAwa · 28/08/2018 18:09

I currently provide a fair bit of childcare (pick ups/drop offs) for DPs son. I don't mind, it works for us. Problem is, our little one is due to start nursery soon and I'm looking at changing my hours significantly in order to make life financially easier, and so I can compress my week in to 3 days. Another problem... the days I will be able to able to take as non working days are not the days which he had his son. It's not doable within my office. His ex is not willing to change this and it would mean him paying out thousands again to go through another court battle. We just can not afford it with childcare costs.

If I drop my hours and compress them, it saves us a huge amount per month in childcare (over £400).

I either stop providing this care for his son which will save us so much money and will mean I can provide care two days a week for our child, or I continue doing school runs for his son, send our child to nursery for more hours, will be financially worse off and I will be doing most drop offs, and his sons pick ups every week.

I am scared to broach the subject with him as in his current job he just cannot do school pick ups. I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his, but I don't know what else to do.

AIBU to even suggest not doing school runs for his son anymore and leaving him in the lurch like that?

OP posts:
mickeysminnie · 28/08/2018 19:01

How old is his son? How far away does he live/go to school? Does he stay with you during the week or is it just drop offs and collection from school?

Original poster
BoolaAwa · 28/08/2018 19:01

@Tistheseason17 I agree. Trust me I wouldn't have spent the last two years doing school runs between two different cities if I didn't care a huge deal about his son!

OP posts:
DontCallMeCharlotte · 28/08/2018 19:03

I would be spending less time with my own child, paying more money, so he can have more time with his whilst he has to make no alternative working arrangements whatsoever and gets to carry on like normal.

This is the crux of the matter - ask him how he thinks it's fair? And at the very least I'd be making him pay the extra.

AveABanana · 28/08/2018 19:03

You're not married so you would be daft to cut back your earning potential for your child let alone your partner's child.

OctaviaOctober · 28/08/2018 19:03

He should be the one thinking about this, why has it all been delegated to you?

Simply tell him, "I am going to drop/compress my hours from x date, so you need to sort something out for ds and his school runs." It's his issue to solve, not yours. And you certainly should not feel afraid to raise it with him. You've been doing him a favour, you're not in charge of his DS's childcare.

Overrunwithlego · 28/08/2018 19:03

Absolutely agree that if you are not married you have to put yourself first here (well, you should anyway, but doubly so!). Certainly don’t undertake any child caring responsibilities for his son that will result in less financial security for you ( e.g. lower pension pot, reduced career progression) as if you were to split you’d never be compensated for this. It’s bad enough when women take these hits (and thus men don’t) for their own children - don’t do it for a child that isn’t yours.

SandyY2K · 28/08/2018 19:04

What would he do if you split up? Things change...what you agreed a year ago will not remain the same next year.

If I'm honest I find far too many dads depend and rely on their new DP/DW to provide childcare.

Would he see his child less if you weren't with him?
You'll end up resentful if you miss this extra time with your DD.

OctaviaOctober · 28/08/2018 19:05

I feel guilty that I would potentially be putting my child first which would mean he had less time with his...

It's down to your DP to organize his time with his son. You're not his employee. Let him sort that.

If you're not putting your child first, you're putting his child first. How would that make you feel any less guilty?

Singlenotsingle · 28/08/2018 19:06

Tell him he needs to arrange a childminder to do it OR if it's just taxi-ing, taxi firms will do it.

Di11y · 28/08/2018 19:07

Is there actually a solution that doesn't require changes to contact? Ie child minder or ASC? He needs to sort it, but you are a team.

MotherofTerriers · 28/08/2018 19:08

If it is too difficult to say, write it down

He needs to sort this out - you have been very supportive and have fixed it for him for a long time, but you must put your little one first and protect your own income. If you're not married you are very vulnerable

The easiest way for him to solve the problem is to lean on you to arrange your working life around his needs. Once he realises that's not going to work, he can start looking at after school clubs etc.

He can't expect you to do this for the whole of his son's school life

and it you did, your earning potential could be seriously dented, - which means lower pension etc.

OctaviaOctober · 28/08/2018 19:09

He needs to sort it, but you are a team.

Honestly they don't sound like a team. It sounds like a subordinate afraid to approach her boss without a solution that won't inconvenience him.

Maidsrus · 28/08/2018 19:10

I think your mistake was agreeing to do it in the first place - he has been to court and argued for childcare on the basis that you will do x, which you now want to change. From that point of view you do have a smidgin of responsibility imo.

Normally I would say that you are changing your hours to facilitate caring for your child and he should be willing to do the same.

Given that he is a parent he needs to either sort the wraparound childcare or change his job, rather than expecting you to do it

But if you did agree to take on the childcare when he went to court, I think he is bound to be a bit annoyed. Difficult situation

Original poster
BoolaAwa · 28/08/2018 19:12

@Maidsrus But if you did agree to take on the childcare when he went to court, I think he is bound to be a bit annoyed. Difficult situation

And I do get this, but I have done it for two years? It wasn't like I sold my soul forever. If he changed his job, would he have the right to change the court agreement? Of course he would. So would his ex. And quite rightly so. Why don't I have that right? I wasn't even in the court room, it's not like I signed an agreement that bound me to picking his son up from school for life.

OP posts:
OctaviaOctober · 28/08/2018 19:13

I feel like I'm being selfish and putting my own child before his

I would potentially be putting my child first which would mean he had less time with his

Isn't your DD his child too?

InfiniteSheldon · 28/08/2018 19:14

Of you're not married then you're not actually a team financially so you really shouldn't disadvantage yourself for his benefit. That's harsh but true, you must put yourself first

greenlanes · 28/08/2018 19:15

I would agree with another pp that it might soften the blow all round if you were to give good notice eg from 1st Jan I will no longer be able to. etc etc. It means that both dad (and DSS mum) have time to consider alternative childcare.

But I really dont think you should put your own financial situation and DD to the bottom of the priority list.

Your DH does need to tell his employers that he now has changed childcare requirements. Like every female parent seems tobe expected to do.

SuperSuperSuper · 28/08/2018 19:16

You're unmarried. Don't sacrifice your financial security. Your boyfriend needs to sort this out with his employer and his ex, a solution needs to be found until the child starts secondary school and needs no further wraparound care. You can help of course, but don't be a martyr, because it could cost you and your own child dearly in the event of a split.

deepsea · 28/08/2018 19:17

OP perhaps bring it up from a different angle.

DP I have for all of this time been very happy to look after ds and do pick ups and I have done this to support our family, but my hours are changing now and I am not going to be able to continue. Please can you speak to ds mother and come to an agreement about how you want to do the pick ups in future or best arrangements for you to see ds. The date will be this....so you have lots of time to work it out.

If he throws a strop then remind him you have been doing this for ages already and that you have never promised to do this indefinitely.

Stand up and walk out of the room. Leave him to work it out. You are not his mother, he is an adult and can work out solutions.

It really is for your dp to sort out, you may be a family but your needs are just as important as anyone else in the family. Hold firm on this.

MicheleWeinberger · 28/08/2018 19:19

You need to go through each option together. Then decide together. Just be honest if the school runs don't work anymore. After things change. Your daughter will need to go to school what happens then?

I would be looking for a Childminder locally to your step sons school.

timeisnotaline · 28/08/2018 19:19

It is totally unfair of him to ask you but to spend key time with your child to prioritise his. I would say to him you must understand the importance to me of spending this time with my baby. If you are going to dismiss that to prioritise MY time for YOUR child then this conversation is over. I am letting work know my compressed hours schedule is fine.

RomanyRoots · 28/08/2018 19:20

Your dp is expecting you to do too much for HIS son, put your foot down he is the parent along with his ex, it's not your problem.
Do what you need to do for your child.

Maidsrus · 28/08/2018 19:20

Boola you’ve convinced me - now you need to convince him! I agree with you 100%

MissVanjie · 28/08/2018 19:21

he needs to see what he can do to facilitate contact himself, or go back to court and apply to vary the arrangement

Original poster
BoolaAwa · 28/08/2018 19:23

Argh I could cry this is so stressful! Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
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