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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t believe what a cf my colleague is!!!!

338 replies

LondonElle · 28/08/2018 14:21

Long story short, I have a work colleague with four children who was struggling to make ends meet, I recently upgraded my 7 seater vehicle and after seeing her struggling to get her kids to school in the rain on bikes and on foot I decided to gift her the car instead of selling it ( car wasn’t worth loads but I estimate I would have got about £500/ £1000 for it )
So she’s thrilled and happily uses the car to do her shopping/ school runs etc
6 weeks later she invites me around for a bbq... I see the car isn’t in the driveway so ask about it and she tells me they have sold it to buy a top of the range bbq and to book a weekend break!!! I was speechless and still am!!!! I know there’s nothing I can do but I’m shocked how cheeky she is and I’m not too keen to maintain this friendship any further..... I think she could tell by my face I wasn’t very impressed...!! Do I say something?!

OP posts:
SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/08/2018 19:11

Out of interest, AIBU to wonder why everyone suddenly seems to be using the noun ‘gift’ as a verb? Why say ‘I decided to gift her the car’ instead of ‘I decided to give her the car’?

Have to admit - this is one of the bees in my bonnet Ruth

natjojo · 29/08/2018 19:15

Well... She did invite you to the barbecue, didn't she?
You guys are obviously not on the same page in relation to priorities and money management but if she was scheming she would not have told you and certainly not invited you to share the new supa dupa BBQ experience...

DarklyDreamingDexter · 29/08/2018 19:16

Don't listen to her bullshit again about struggling to make ends meet. If she was really struggling, a top of the range BBQ wouldnt be high on the priority list. You did a nice thing OP, shame your generosity was thrown back in your face.

Dilemmacentral · 29/08/2018 19:17

Lots of people are struggling because of the toxic combination of low income and crap with money. They’d be just about if they weren’t crap with manner, but that added feature means they really struggle. They just can’t see the woods for the trees when it comes to finances.

She is clearly one of these people that “suffers” this toxic combination. So it’s no wonder she did what she did. You didn’t know that when you gifted her the car, but blew you do.

Absolutely nothing to productive to be achieved by having it out with her. She won’t be remorseful, she won’t change. For my own I would raise it with you but in a more curious moderately offended tone rather than a full blown argument. It would be a waste of my energy.

PawneeParksDept · 29/08/2018 19:27

Yes @SchadenfreudePersonified and @ruthboros !!!

I felt like a pedant/arsehole but I literally felt INCAPABLE of commenting on the AIBU without pointing out that she did not gift a car she gave a car but I still felt apologetic about it so I did it via strikethrough Blush

Extremely annoying when used as in a past tense or as a verb

I gave
It was given

RibbonAurora · 29/08/2018 19:46

en.oxforddictionaries.com/definition/gift

Gift is a verb - you don't have to like it but it is. Sorry guys.

Teacher22 · 29/08/2018 20:03

You are a kind and generous person, OP, and you have been taken advantage of whether it was the result of stupidity or venality on the part of your ‘friend’.

Either way you have learnt a sad and valuable lesson about other people. It is awful to think others cannot always be trusted but my advice is test the water before you jump in. Ascertain whether you are dealing with a genuine person or a CF/idiot before you trust anyone. You don’t need to be a cynic but you should be sceptical.

Crazyunicornlady · 29/08/2018 20:04

Not RTFT but did the friend actually say she was struggling or did the OP assume this on the basis of what she saw?

If the latter then perhaps the friend was insulted by said ‘gift’ and felt justified in selling it. Some people don’t want to be the recipient of charity

dustarr73 · 29/08/2018 20:18

Also cars are expensive to run. Your gift, though kindly meant, could have become a bit of an albatross once she realised how much it would cost her each year.

Then dont take the car.If she didnt want it anymore the nice thing to do would be to offer it back.
Not sell it and buy a bar b q and a holiday.Thats just crass.

Dalamane · 29/08/2018 20:18

Did you have any conversations with her about whether she wanted or needed a car before you gave it to her? Of course it was kind of you to give her your old one but if you hadn't had those conversations she might have felt obliged to take it and didn't like to say no. Hard for anyone to give an informed opinion without being judgemental. What one person sees as necessity can be bottom of someone else's list of priority list. At the end of the day you're a good sort and gave the car with the best of intentions - the other conversation about 'i'd like it back if you've no use for it' would pronably have been useful in hindsight. They're all lessons in life that seriously piss you off.

Teeniemiff · 29/08/2018 20:39

We were gifted a car from my grandad when he stopped driving.
We needed a second car but we’re not in a position to pay for extra costs. So we gave it back as someone else could have used it. As it happens they gave it my cousin who then sold it & kept the cash.
I think this is very cheeky, yes it’s a gift but I don’t think we can apply the same rules here. The car was worth £500-£1000 which OP could have kept. She wasn’t giving them £500-£1000 she was giving a car which would help make life easier.
I think if the person had used, taxed, insured, paid for upkeep for a couple years then it’s slightly different but even then would be courteous to ask what you want to do!

Nearly47 · 29/08/2018 21:00

@IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle
I am assuming they are friendly enough for the OP to her a car and keep some sort friendship that includes going to her house for a BBQ. So I think she is probably nice enough. I wouldn't write a friendship off because of one mistake without at least finding out her reasons. I've given money to friends and family that has been misused. It made me angry but I didn't cut them off. I just didn't give anymore.

mama17 · 29/08/2018 21:00

That's so naughty!

BertieBott · 29/08/2018 21:05

She’s too stupid to be your friend.
That level of stupidity puts you in danger.
‘Oh, I saw some workmen at your door waiting for you. I told them you keep the spare key sellotaped inside the letterbox.’

Ineke · 29/08/2018 21:12

I would be very upset and would ask her why she accepted the gift if she had intended to sell it and do tell her that you could have put the money to good use yourself and would not have given it to her if she was going to sell it. She may well not have been able to afford to run it but in which case she should have offered it back to you or asked if you minded if she sold it. Ungracious and rude, I think she has no idea of manners and is free loading. Does not deserve any help in the future. I know these sort of people well and they abuse everyone's help, trust, and know well how to work the benefit system to their advantage. I'm sorry if this sounds a bit harsh but a previous tenant of mine, when reminded that she was months in arrears and it would be good to pay something towards her rent instead of splashing out over Christmas replied to me ' Well, that's never going to happen' ! At long last I have managed to evict her, owing a huge amount of arrears and the house left in a damaged and awful condition. So, please, continue to offer help but please make sure that the person is deserving.

Time4Gin · 29/08/2018 21:26

Totally agree with most posters here - your colleague was being outrageous to sell on your extremely kind and generous gift of your car - especially on stuff that won’t benefit her in the longer run in my opinion - and I do not think your feelings are unreasonable at all. I’d be amazed and pissed off!

I wonder whether her hints previously might have been that she wanted a lift every day, as she’d already sold her own car (and had perhaps decided at that point she needed the cash more than it)? IE still a bit cheeky but maybe to get given a car was a bit surprising for her.

I used to be shocking with money and before I had kids or a husband borrowed money when I was broke from a friend (I studied for years and had theee jobs at one point to pay for everything but still got in hideous debt) and then bought a new coat for 40 quid (the loan was fifty) and said friend was furious with me. But I paid her back the cash at the time I said I would (end of the month) and still have that coat 20 years later, I loved it then and now so much that I knew it was a good purchase for me at the time. But I understood why friend thought I was a dickhead. But I had just asked to borrow fifty quid, I hadn’t said what for and I hadn’t seen the coat before I asked for the loan either.

But that was a loan and I gave it back.

I would be as pissed off as you but when you’re broke you still want luxuries (wrongly or rightly) and when poor people blow their dosh on what we consider is meaningless crap, I understand why! When you’re broke and having pay for stupidly high rent and have crappy clothes and no money for a bottle of wine with a mate at home, you become a bit of a dreamer. I’m not saying it’s right to blow it, and I’m not in anyway condoning this behaviour, but the feeling of being rich (enough to buy a holiday and flippin bbq anyhow!) for a day is a high that will have made her feel good albeit in the short term. Her tough luck that later she regrets it!

On the other hand I had another friend who was properly broke on dole with a kid and struggling who I had over for Christmas, gave money, food and clothes to who sold everything she could and spent the money on drugs and who I distanced myself from as she could clearly see I was an easy touch. She still bums a cig off me whenever she sees me despite us not being friends for years...

Some people Hmm

Charolais · 29/08/2018 21:30

Laugh and wave when you see them walking the cold rain.

BlackberryandNettle · 29/08/2018 22:14

Maybe I'm going against the grain but I don't think it's that bad. You were obviously happy to give the car and didn't need the money. They are obviously skint and possibly upon reflection decided to sell it. Maybe it failed mot or suchlike? It was theirs to sell really at that point and she did invite you over to enjoy the BBQ. Honestly I think keeping a car would have been wiser probably but their loss - don't sweat it or break a friendship over it, you haven't lost anything.

tworoundsofwaterplease · 29/08/2018 22:24

I think this is a case of there are 'rules' yes a gift is yours to do with what you will but, seriously, surely there are exceptions to this 'rule'. I would be incredibly pissed off that my kindness had been 'used' in this way. OP was doing something kind to help someone-if that were me, I would be wishing I had donated the vehicle to someone more in need, who would have actually appreciated it.

There's no 'real' loss, of course OP was okay to give it, and didn't expect to have it any longer, nothing has changed in that way. However they still have a right to be very annoyed about this way of dealing with such a kindness. It does sound as if the recipient's 'hardship' is a product of living beyond their means rather than the type of serious struggle so many people have despite not doing.

happinessischocolate · 29/08/2018 22:24

A very wise older friend (holistic therapist) told me that people do not value things that are given freely. She always charged friends and family even if it was a nominal fee.

Very good point, and in this case if the OP had asked for £100 for the car the CF would probably have said no so would have been a test of whether she wanted the car or not.

We live and learn...

TheClitterati · 29/08/2018 22:30

It was a nice thing to do OP, but if someone is struggling financially running a car will be a struggle. It's another financial burden to run and insure the car.

Also, did you really give a gift? Or a bundle of obligations and expectations? If you really did give a gift, then focus on that and let it go. I bet they will get lots of lovely family times from bbq.

Polly2345 · 29/08/2018 22:49

Did she complain about having to walk the kids to school? Or was she happy to do it. I walk and cycle everywhere. People often offer me lifts and get offended if I decline. But I enjoy walking, even in bad weather. It's my thinking time.

She may not have realised she couldn't afford to run it until she'd already had it a while. At that point she should have offered to give it back to you, but she might have feared your reaction to that and thought that being offered it back would offend you. Sometimes when someone offers you something you don't want you can't win whatever you do. Perhaps she invited your for a BBQ so you could share in what she'd bought with the money.

browneyes77 · 29/08/2018 23:13

Well she got her BBQ for the rare nice Summer days and let's face it it'll be another few years before we have another lovely Summer. In the meantime winter is coming so you'll be driving to school whilst she'll be walking in the rain, and wind, and snow. You can smile and wave as you drive past.

Maybe she can use the BBQ lid as an umbrella?

GrinGrinGrinGrin

Monty27 · 30/08/2018 02:37

@ iggles et al I misconstrued the post about the BBQ and thought she had bought a bigger car.
Yes I stand corrected and admonished.
OP she is indeed a CF. There's no way back that I can see though. No matter what she did.
A lesson learned the hard way I guess.