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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t believe what a cf my colleague is!!!!

338 replies

LondonElle · 28/08/2018 14:21

Long story short, I have a work colleague with four children who was struggling to make ends meet, I recently upgraded my 7 seater vehicle and after seeing her struggling to get her kids to school in the rain on bikes and on foot I decided to gift her the car instead of selling it ( car wasn’t worth loads but I estimate I would have got about £500/ £1000 for it )
So she’s thrilled and happily uses the car to do her shopping/ school runs etc
6 weeks later she invites me around for a bbq... I see the car isn’t in the driveway so ask about it and she tells me they have sold it to buy a top of the range bbq and to book a weekend break!!! I was speechless and still am!!!! I know there’s nothing I can do but I’m shocked how cheeky she is and I’m not too keen to maintain this friendship any further..... I think she could tell by my face I wasn’t very impressed...!! Do I say something?!

OP posts:
JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 29/08/2018 08:58

What a cheeky cow. I'd be so annoyed if i were you op. But the fact that she sees nothing wrong with what she's done is quite shocking. If i sold the car I'd be giving the money back to you.

Aeroflotgirl · 29/08/2018 08:58

nellyo, unfortunately there are shit parents around, who don't deserve to be parents. Who put themselves and their wants first before feeding and clothing their kids.

HouseOfSix · 29/08/2018 09:03

If it makes you feel better OP I have a CF story of late. We are about to go on a group holiday and one couple in the group is less well-off than the rest. We offered to pay more than our share to reduce the burden on them so they could come and enjoy the holiday. Fine. Then we heard through the grapevine that with the money they have 'saved' on the holiday, they are going to tack on a trip to the Caribbean the week after Shock We effectively gifted a portion of their share so that's that but it has irked me a little. Maybe IABU!

nellyolsenscurl · 29/08/2018 09:11

House the beauty of being a CF is that you genuinely believe you are hard up and deserve help from others, so your 'friends' probably will feel that they have done nothing wrong and are getting what they deserve. More front than Brighton.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 09:12

@houseofsix if it turns out they are going to the Caribbean I would be absolutely livid and it would honestly ruin the group holiday for me, I'd have to say something.

hmmwhatatodo · 29/08/2018 09:18

House of six why don’t you joke next time you see them that you heard about some fake trip to the Caribbean and see what they say? I think I’d be asking for my money back from them if it’s true.

nellyolsenscurl · 29/08/2018 09:18

Aero yes there are sadly, their priorities are so skewed that they don't even have the sense not to tell you what they bought with the money instead of food. "You see the dog kept pissing on that wall, so I needed to get the room redone cos I don't want people thinking we are tramps, and the paper I wanted was £30 a roll so it cost me a fortune. You don't know what it's like being in poverty, the kids to go bed crying most nights because they are hungry" Hmm

MrsBlaidd · 29/08/2018 09:19

My sister would do this sort of thing. She's very vocal about when she's skint/can't afford to feed her children/can't afford to top up the meter etc.

In the past I was naive enough to give her money, which was not spent on the things she needed like food for her children. Now when she pleads poverty I will buy specific things and deliver them to her. She's still an entitled selfish person but at least I know my nieces/nephews are having food and there's money on the meter for gas/electricity.

I still get the sob stories, but she's changed her tune to "I never get anything just for me" instead of no food/utilities. I just shrug my shoulders at that and point at my 8 year old jeans or 14 year old trainers and say "That's motherhood for you" (I'm not on the breadline but I am very frugal and struggle to spend money on stuff for myself if there's something in decent condition that will do).

Your colleague is one of life's takers. Don't give her the power of living in your head, chalk it up for a bad experience and be thankful you're not related to the children she's putting 2nd to her own desires.

MusterMark · 29/08/2018 09:21

@questionzzz It does seem that there is a kind of "gift economy" which carries social obligations. I wonder what anthropological work has been done on this in Western societies. When a gift is sold on, it is breaking the mutual bonds of trust and obligation built up in the gift economy.

This even applies to sites such as Freecycle (mentioned above) where there is no social relation between giver and recipient. I have seen people discussing being upset that someone has sold an item they were given over Freecycle, although that site's rules specifically allow this.

It seems not to apply to obligatory gifts such as Christmas presents which are often unwanted, passed on, returned or sold.

AJPTaylor · 29/08/2018 09:28

Wow.
God i would struggle to keep a civil tongue in my head.
I would struggle to work with her tbh.
I have helped colleagues out. More of the few extra bits of shopping left under their desk/voucher to treat kids during school holidays. None of it expected and i think gratefully received.
I guess she thinks that because you can give a car away you are rich or mad and wont care if she sells it and keeps the money.

nellyolsenscurl · 29/08/2018 09:30

Muster I think a "gift in kind" where the giver believes they are assisting/relieving the recipient in some way is at the apex of the gift economy. The giver gave it for a specific purpose and intends the recipient to follow through, hence the upset/disappointment when it is 'misused'.

EdisonLightBulb · 29/08/2018 09:34

You have to say to say something. The distance yourself. I am incensed for you.

nellyolsenscurl · 29/08/2018 09:34

I have been thinking about doing a PhD and this thread is providing possible working titles: "Campervans, BBQs and the Carribbean; A phenomenological exploration into the economy of gift giving" I will of course reference MN Grin

FollowYourOwnNorthStar · 29/08/2018 09:38

What would I do?

Pray for rain.

bringbacksideburns · 29/08/2018 09:52

Gobsmacked.

Did she not even look faintly embarrassed when she told you?

I'd be civil at work but keep a wide berth or I'd tell her exactly what I thought of her.

Roussette · 29/08/2018 09:53

This has happened to me. Ex friend always stony broke, I was generous with her. Very.

She was always saying how broke she was. Once I treated her to a holiday... paid for her flight, paid for carhire, meals etc etc... she literally bought 50euros with her for a week! When we got to our destination, she was unpacking and said 'look at this fantastic shirt I got at Gatwick, I couldn't resist it but it was £90'

I was Shock Shock. Firstly I wouldn't dream of spending £90 on a shirt for myself and secondly I had just funded her holiday because she was broke!

I never felt the same after that. I'd been used.

CoraPirbright · 29/08/2018 09:57

I am not sure bringing it up with her is going to get you anywhere. Either she is a monumental CF in which case she won’t get it and/or won’t care or she is just thick as pig-shit so won’t get it.

She has behaved despicably and I would just give her the cold shoulder. If she asks why then I think that might come under the heading “if you don't know then I can’t explain”. PA at its finest but explaining it just isnt going to get you anywhere.

I do feel for you - so very kind and this is just a kick in the teeth.

BabyCobra · 29/08/2018 10:26

It is usually the ones that hint and plead poverty that are the biggest CFs.

I had a friend who told me she was on the breadline, huge debts, massive sob story. I agreed to lend some money to tide her over and transferred it. She called to say 'You are an absolute life saver' and then interrupted our conversation to give instructions to the black cab driver in Central London. It was looking like it was about to rain you see - and she didn't want to walk to the tube stop.

BasicUsername · 29/08/2018 10:37

What have you decided to do OP? Are you going to speak to her about it?

MusterMark · 29/08/2018 11:10

@nelly I think that would be very interesting, hope I can get to read it. This thread has been a real eye-opener for me because to me, a gift is a gift, and I strenuously resist any emotional attachment to the gifted object once it leaves my possession. I now see this is not normal behaviour.

PurpleTigerLove · 29/08/2018 11:12

I can believe this ! If you’d given her £5000 she would have spent it on a holiday and complained next week about being broke . Some people are just beyond crap with money . Let her get on with it but I couldn’t be friends with someone with so little common sense .

nellyolsenscurl · 29/08/2018 11:24

Muster I'm the same, once it's passed my hands it has nothing to do with me. I think though when there is a charitable aspect it colours the lens.

TwoBlueShoes · 29/08/2018 11:27

OP essentially gave her around 800 pounds. Shock

fattyboomboomboom · 29/08/2018 11:58

The gift economy is an interesting one.

OP did a kind thing but there were some strings attached, ie use the gift the way I intend you too. DBIL once kindly gave me a car which I drove until it died but he is much, much wealthier than me and it was a 4 litre BMW which was fairly old. It cost me a fortune to run and repair. I did drive it and not sell it but it was more expensive than having bought myself a shitty micra or something. And very hard to turn down since it is evident to those around you that you do need a car.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 12:09

@MusterMark I think you are missing the point that OP only gave the car to this CF because she was going on about struggling to make ends meet and was complaining about needing a car.

OP didn't give her the car because she had a spare one lying around or because it was the CF's birthday.

She could have sold it and bought herself a fancy barbeque and a weekend away had she known the CF was going to sell it and spunk the proceeds away on unnecessary luxuries.