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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Can’t believe what a cf my colleague is!!!!

338 replies

LondonElle · 28/08/2018 14:21

Long story short, I have a work colleague with four children who was struggling to make ends meet, I recently upgraded my 7 seater vehicle and after seeing her struggling to get her kids to school in the rain on bikes and on foot I decided to gift her the car instead of selling it ( car wasn’t worth loads but I estimate I would have got about £500/ £1000 for it )
So she’s thrilled and happily uses the car to do her shopping/ school runs etc
6 weeks later she invites me around for a bbq... I see the car isn’t in the driveway so ask about it and she tells me they have sold it to buy a top of the range bbq and to book a weekend break!!! I was speechless and still am!!!! I know there’s nothing I can do but I’m shocked how cheeky she is and I’m not too keen to maintain this friendship any further..... I think she could tell by my face I wasn’t very impressed...!! Do I say something?!

OP posts:
IrmaFayLear · 29/08/2018 17:44

Then you tend towards the CF point of view too, herworldoutsideit.

I would die rather than accept the gift of a car from a non-family member, let alone have the bare-faced cheek to sell it on after a very short time and spend the money on fripperies. If the car was too expensive to run (which I imagine a 7-seater possibly would be) I would ask if I could return the car having looked into insurance/fuel etc.

It is irrelevant whether the CF was mad about the great outdoors or made of sugar. Taking an expensive goodwill item and viewing it as a bit of cash is cheesy.

MorseandLewis · 29/08/2018 17:46

I work in an area which is in most 5% deprived in the UK.

Budgeting is a real issue, get a tax credit rebate and go to Disney but be reliant on the food bank 6 months later.

kaytee87 · 29/08/2018 17:47

@herworldoutsideit if she didn't want the can she should have turned it down. It is in no way acceptable to take it then sell it so her family could have a 'rare treat'

Theluckynumberthree · 29/08/2018 17:48

I can see why your annoyed- you gave her your car out of kidness but also being throughtful towards her children. A car would have been a much better investment than a bbq!!!

arranfan · 29/08/2018 17:48

A sensible piece of advice that I read a while ago: don't give away in kind something that you wouldn't if you actually had the cash in your hand.

If you would (in this case) sell the car, hold the money in your hand and realise what you and your family could do with the money and hand it over anyway, then go ahead.

If you would sell the car and then realise that the reality of handing the money over to someone else feels very different, then don't do it. (Unless there are other strong drivers at work.)

Oaktree7 · 29/08/2018 17:48

hello
I can see how kind and thoughtful that was for you to make such a gift to this person. But, you did make it a gift and not a condition. Once given, you can't really expect to control someones life to how you would see it lived. It was possibly too much for them and doesn't fit with their finances or even ecological beliefs. They may have thought they were doing you a favour by taking it off your hands. Let it go, its not really your business what they do, as kind as you are.😊

YearOfYouRemember · 29/08/2018 18:12

Did she know you had a car you didn't need?

fedupwithcookingfromscratch · 29/08/2018 18:17

Can I just say as a divorced mum of one with no car - people like your CF colleague and former friend make me sick. Loads of people like to look down on single mums and you often get the feeling that they are thinking "she brought it on herself.' Swapping a **ing BBQ and weekend away for a lifeline that could have given them loads of days out, not to mention a dry school run in the rain, is exactly the kind of decision making that fuels that prejudice. If anyone in the Muswell Hill area has a car they don't need anymore, I'd be more than happy to demonstrate that we are not all like that!!! xx

kaytee87 · 29/08/2018 18:20

They may have thought they were doing you a favour by taking it off your hands.

Oh yeah, I'm sure she thought she was doing op a favour by selling it and spending the cash on herself 🙄

mrbreezeet1 · 29/08/2018 18:25

That is wrong on SO MANY levels!

ruthboros · 29/08/2018 18:30

I think she had a cheek selling it. YANBU.
Out of interest, AIBU to wonder why everyone suddenly seems to be using the noun ‘gift’ as a verb? Why say ‘I decided to gift her the car’ instead of ‘I decided to give her the car’? I suppose language evolves.......

ThanksForAllTheFish · 29/08/2018 18:31

She was being a CF. Yes gifts are gifts and in general the recipient can do what they please with it, but to accept a large gift (such as a car) with the intent of selling it on within a few weeks is different. Even if she had the intention of using the car but discovered it was going to be too expensive to run and insure, she should have offered it back to you before selling. We are not talking a soap and glory gift set being sent in the the School tombola!

I have been in the fortunate position of being very generously gifted a car by a friend. It was his partners car, and sadly she passed away very suddenly earlier this year. He wanted to gift the car to someone who needed one. I was in the process of asking driving lessons so he knew I would be needing a car and was kind enough to gift it to me.

Obviously I am very grateful for his generosity. Should I have taken the car and discovered it was too expensive to insure, or it needed a lot of work done that I could afford etc then I would have offered him the car back, if he didn’t want he car back then even if I did sell it I would have at the very least have offered him most (if not all) of the money made from selling said car. He probably would have refused but it would be cheeky not to.

As it turns out I, being a normal person, am very grateful for the car and intend to use it for as long as possible. At some point In the future it may get sold on and those funds would go towards whatever car I buy at that point. I think after a few years of ownership then it’s fine to sell things on. Not within a few weeks.

stressedoutpa · 29/08/2018 18:32

A very wise older friend (holistic therapist) told me that people do not value things that are given freely. She always charged friends and family even if it was a nominal fee.

I think it applies here.

I would be annoyed too.

Sandsnake · 29/08/2018 18:33

Absolutely she is a CF. No question.

Reminds me of when I was a teenager and our cat had kittens (unplanned - parents got her spayed too late). We kept one of the five and made sure that the others went to good homes. One went to a friend of my mother. Mum went round a few weeks later and asked how the kitten was getting on. Friend said that she had sold him! We were so pissed off - both that she had the temerity to take money when she had been given the kitten for free and also at the fact that we had no idea of the sort of home he went to.

Strongmummy · 29/08/2018 18:33

You gave her a car. It became her property legally. Therefore it’s up to her what she does with it. I’d be a bit miffed, but perhaps she couldn’t afford to run a car, but really needed a holiday!!! You did a lovely thing, but She’s not beholden to you

stressedoutpa · 29/08/2018 18:35

This probably also explains why she has trouble making ends meet.

Earthakitty · 29/08/2018 18:35

An absolute liberty taker.
You gave her the car to alleviate her logistical struggles , not so she could flog it to buy non essential luxuries.
I'd be completely livid.
She is a piss taker and a waste of space.
Drop her and don't have anything more to do with her.
You sound like an amazingly kind and considerate person btw.
Don't let scratters like her take advantage of you again.

Nearly47 · 29/08/2018 18:36

As previous posters said maybe she can't afford to run a car. It can be quite expensive specially larger models. Maybe she prefers to walk. Anyway. If you have it to her it hers to do whatever she wants. It should be no strings attached. If she is a nice person keep the friendship. It's only money. Maybe tell her how you feel.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 18:39

@herworldoutsideit are you the cheeky fuck?!?

OP could have spunked the car selling proceeds on her own weekend away. Instead she very generously offered it to her "oh I wish I could afford a car" CF colleague who could very easily have refused the 'albatross' of a gift and explained re running costs.

Orangecake123 · 29/08/2018 18:41

Yep a CF.

Eat £500 worth of food at her bbq?

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 18:42

@nearly47 nice people do not accept expensive gifts to get them out of a bind, which they then sell on to buy luxuries. The OP is the extremely nice person in this situation.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/08/2018 18:52

What if the schoolkids find out Miss R gave Miss P. a car because Miss P. was too poor? How does this reflect on Miss P.'s kids?

Why would they find out? Miss P could have bought Miss R's car - if they even noticed,

DesertSky · 29/08/2018 19:05

Oh OP, you did a really selfless and thoughtful thing. I’m not surprised you’re hurt. I’m shocked she had the audacity to tell you so blantantly. Whatever her reasons for selling it (ie she couldn’t afford to run it), it’s only common courtesy to tell you - it wasn’t just a small gift!
Don’t feel dismayed. Your kind heart is something to admired in this day and age.

Turquoise123 · 29/08/2018 19:06

There are no words for this

SchadenfreudePersonified · 29/08/2018 19:06

the giver gave it for a specific purpose and intends the recipient to follow through, hence the upset/disappointment when it is 'misused'

I'm pretty sure that this creates a legally enforceable obligation of some sort.

IIRC, Judge Rinder (My hero!) once gave a judgement agaiinst a grandparent who had given their DGG £X00 as a gift. DGG spent it on something GP didn't approve of and wanted the money back as it was "wasted"

Rinder ruled against them because they hadn't specified what the money was for - he said "If you had given the money and said 'Buy yourself a coat for the winter', or 'Get yourself a little car', and she'd then spent the money on Nirvana tickets or whatever, you could have asked for it back. But you didn't. You just gave a gift without restrictions"

There is probably much more to this, legally speaking, but it's an interestingthought - if the gift knew the car was to ferry her freezing cold, soaking wet children around in the winter, but lavished the cash on a BBQ etc instead, maybe OP could get the cash back if she could be bothered to go through a small claims court with all the faff and carry on that would involve, and the bad feeling at work where some people would take her side and some people take the other person's. I doubt I could myself