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Original poster

Can’t believe what a cf my colleague is!!!!

338 replies

LondonElle · 28/08/2018 14:21

Long story short, I have a work colleague with four children who was struggling to make ends meet, I recently upgraded my 7 seater vehicle and after seeing her struggling to get her kids to school in the rain on bikes and on foot I decided to gift her the car instead of selling it ( car wasn’t worth loads but I estimate I would have got about £500/ £1000 for it )
So she’s thrilled and happily uses the car to do her shopping/ school runs etc
6 weeks later she invites me around for a bbq... I see the car isn’t in the driveway so ask about it and she tells me they have sold it to buy a top of the range bbq and to book a weekend break!!! I was speechless and still am!!!! I know there’s nothing I can do but I’m shocked how cheeky she is and I’m not too keen to maintain this friendship any further..... I think she could tell by my face I wasn’t very impressed...!! Do I say something?!

OP posts:
MusterMark · 29/08/2018 12:15

But once the car was given, it was no longer the OP's property. And as I said earlier, if the car had suddenly needed expensive repairs, that would not have been the OP's problem. So while the colleague has not acted gratefully or sensibly, I don't see any moral problem with their actions. Clearly I am in a minority however.

happinessischocolate · 29/08/2018 12:20

It was really kind of you OP

If she complains about walking or the kids getting wet in future maybe just comment with things like "can't you give them a lift in the bbq?"😂😂

I'd have so much fun with this...

questionzzz · 29/08/2018 12:24

@MusterMark- there is actually a fair amount of work on gifts in the western world! One of the classic ones which keeps getting taught is indeed about the unwritten, non-verbal "rules" attached to Christmas gifts. Gift exchange is, as can be seen on this thread, a surprisingly delicate, emotional and fraught topic.

One of the scenes from childhood book which stayed with me even before I learned about this stuff is from The Railway Children, where the middle-class children go around the village gathering gifts and a birthday tea for the lower-class station-master whom they have befriended. The station-master upon receiving the gifts is furious and starts yelling. The children simply cannot understand what they have done wrong.

"Poor people" buying luxuries they "do not deserve" is another topic which has been extensively researched and is guaranteed to make middle-class folk extremely angry- again as demonstrated beautifully on this thread,

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 12:25

In my opinion the CF has morally behaved abhorrently, but technically, her behaviour is fine.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 12:42

"Poor people" buying luxuries they "do not deserve" is another topic which has been extensively researched and is guaranteed to make middle-class folk extremely angry- again as demonstrated beautifully on this thread

What a load of utter bollocks. The CF was offered the car because she was banging on about needing one and not "making ends meet".

Had she been banging on to the OP about needing a holiday and a top of the range barbecue would the OP have given her the car and said "here you go, flog this"? No she bloody wouldn't.

CF was given the car to help her out, it was not part of a gift exchange or a means for her to profit.

MusterMark · 29/08/2018 12:56

CF was given the car to help her out, it was not part of a gift exchange

But clearly the OP had expectations of how her colleague should behave on receipt of the gift. It was not a freely given, no strings attached, unconditional gift in her eyes. So there is an element of "exchange" there, as the gift places constraints on the colleague's future behaviour.

twoundertwo54321 · 29/08/2018 12:59

I would have to say something. Definitely. She can't just get away with it.

I'd say how disappointed I am that you sold it and bought yourself treats as I could have done the same. I gifted it to you as I genuinely felt you may benefit from it. It just seems very rude and I feel hurt.

If you don't feel you can say it in person I would text or email.

questionzzz · 29/08/2018 13:04

"What a load of utter bollocks. The CF was offered the car because she was banging on about needing one and not "making ends meet"."

But we all - well a lot of us anyway, go on and on about expenses and everything so expensive and can't afford this and that. One of my colleagues was going on about the cost of fixing her roof. Nobody was turning round and offering a several 1000 gift to fix it, even though we all made sympathetic noises. Face it: a gift of car from one colleague to another is simply not usual- I certainly haven't come across anything like it in 20+ years of working in different offices.

Honestly, I think anybody who has credit card / consumer debt from buying luxuries they don't actually need for physical survival is being hypocritical in criticising the CF. And judging form the stats on consumer debt, that would be lot of us.

And it was a gift exchange: I give you a car, in exchange, you behave like a proper, moral mother and drive your children to school.

Remember- we are talking about two issues here: the morality of the gift, and the morality of the mother in preferring to buy "unnecessary luxuries" rather than keep a gifted car.

redexpat · 29/08/2018 13:10

This wont help you now but a dr in India who ran an organisation told me that she always charges something for medicin. If its free people dont appreciate it. So perhaps a better approach might be: im selling my car, and I know you would like one. Would you like to buy it for £100 quid. Or whatever.

questionzzz · 29/08/2018 13:14

@redexpat: I believe that approach is fairly common among "professional" philanthropists. A charity I know was gifted a whole house, but the donor required a fraction of the sale value (still very much worth it, of course_).

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 13:28

But that's my point exactly? OP has taken her at her word that she is struggling to make ends meet and needed to get a car because she and her children were struggling.
OP was in a position to help her out with this specific need. Like I said, if the colleague had been blarting on about how she needed an expensive new barbecue then OP wouldn't have been quite so generous.

What about the PP whose friends have pleaded poverty about not being able to afford to attend a group holiday, resulting in their friends chipping in so they can go along. They've then taken their saved funds and booked a week in the Caribbean?

It just feels like these people are crying about their financial situation in order to deceive their friends and colleagues. I could not continue to be friends with someone who I felt had taken advantage like that.

hmmwhatatodo · 29/08/2018 13:37

Wow, there is absolutely nothing right about what BBQ-Lady has done, morally/technically or any other -aly way. You just don’t do things like that!

kaytee87 · 29/08/2018 13:39

She's a CF. Tbh I would not be able to help myself from sending her a text saying
'I gave you that car so you could use it to get your kids to school etc as you had been complaining about walking & cycling. If you didn't want the car then you should have said so and I could have sold it myself and kept the money. I didn't give you it so you could buy a bbq and have a weekend away and I really don't think you thought that was my intention'

Hideandgo · 29/08/2018 13:40

At the very least she’s an thoughtless idiot with bad manners.

Write it off. Or say to her straight that you think it’s pretty off of her to do that.

questionzzz · 29/08/2018 14:07

"It just feels like these people are crying about their financial situation in order to deceive their friends and colleagues. I could not continue to be friends with someone who I felt had taken advantage like that."

No, sorry I don't agree with you here- I don't think ppl cry on about their financial situation in order to actually receive financial aid and support from colleagues- I don't think ppl in general are that manipulative and strategic, bar the odd news story here and there.There was no way the CF could have known OP had an unwanted car up her sleeve. As I say in 20 years of working I have never come across such a generous gift between two colleagues who are not even actual friends.

Certainly ppl do moan about finances a lot- eg my colleague and her roof. It does't mean she expects us to take out our chequebooks (metaphorically, nobody uses cheques anymore!) and chip in for the cost of repair.

I'm not saying the CF wasn't out of line for selling the car. OBVIOUSLY a car is more useful than a fancy bbq. Do you think the CF doesn't realise that?? But I'm just offering alternative ways at looking at the (fascinating) scenario. Given that OBVIOUSLY cars are more useful than bbqs, what could have possibly possessed the CF to sell the useful car and buy the useless bbq? Why do people sometimes act irrationally according to our (completely rational (!) ) values? Why did the station-master yell at the well-meaning children for gathering gifts for him? Are poor people simply just mad?

imdunkelnistgutmunkeln · 29/08/2018 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

imdunkelnistgutmunkeln · 29/08/2018 14:28

Oh for ck, just typed out that out in the wrong thread! Blush will report post!

TwoBlueShoes · 29/08/2018 14:38

@questionzzz

No, poor people are not mad, but some people are really crap with money and have very little foresight. This issue is not restricted to those on low income but seems to be a personality trait that some people have.

I was reading about a woman who won the lottery and lost it all. She had enough money to live comfortably for the rest of her life, but she blew it on shit and now she’s broke and now her children are broke. Johnny Depp earner a fortune and now it’s all gone. There are plenty of people on low income who live carefully and within their means. Plenty of sensible people in the world.

You can argue that perhaps this woman felt the money could be better spent, but she blew it on a weekend away and a fucking BBQ. That says a lot, you know. Different if she had used it to pay her council tax or shoes for the kids.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 29/08/2018 14:40

If the car receiver was just moaning for the sake of moaning then she shouldn't have accepted the car!

questionzzz · 29/08/2018 15:39

"..This issue is not restricted to those on low income but seems to be a personality trait that some people have."

The economic health of our society, in general, depends on people buying crap they don't need, and the more the better. We would all be better off if we managed our money wisely, invested in our pensions etc etc, but we don't. Some sensible people do, for sure, but as a general trend, as evidenced by the levels of consumer debt, and poor savings across society , people in general, both low and middle, are fairly crap at money management- I'm not talking about the one off outliers, the lottery winners and Johnny Depps. Just that as a whole, our society is based on (apparently) limitless consumption and credit, not on people managing their money thoughtfully and wisely. Look at all the ridiculous back-to-school shopping taking place right now, wherever you are.

But when low income people do it, (in particular mothers!!) it provokes an extra dose of moral disapproval.

This is a different issue from the gift-giving, which has its own story...

Parisbun · 29/08/2018 17:14

Oh how frustrating OP. I wouldnt say anything to her as I cant see any way you can mention the sale without it coming across as an attack. Unless you are actually happy for her?
Im not a gossip but I wouldnt be able to keep this quiet as she may well do the same to other colleagues and they need to know.
Maybe just accept that you didnt have the car once you gave it to her and you still dont have it. You havent lost anything through this transaction but she has lost a whole lot. What a dope she is.

Dieu · 29/08/2018 17:31

Oh my word, CF doesn't even begin to cover it. I mean, who the fuck does this?!
YADNBU.

herworldoutsideit · 29/08/2018 17:37

Ok , not got time to read all ten pages, but did you really know that she hated getting kids to school on bikes/ foot in teh rain? I used to travel by bike foot all the time and preferred it to using a car. It may be you were presenting your car as a solution for somehing that you thought was a big problem, but wasn't to her.
So I can see why she took the opportunity to use the gift for a rare treat the family could use.

herworldoutsideit · 29/08/2018 17:40

Also cars are expensive to run. Your gift, though kindly meant, could have become a bit of an albatross once she realised how much it would cost her each year.

Tistheseason17 · 29/08/2018 17:44

I'd tell her how you feel about it and then end the friendship.
You gave it to her as she expressed she needed it.
If she did not need it or could not afford to run it she should have declined it.
Blah, blah, it was a gift.. she can do what she wants.... blah,blah. This gift had a clear purpose. CFs who do this really piss me off. It's like when you gift kids clothing then see it on Facebook later for £10 bundle! Grrrrr - if you did not want it then I could make the money, not you!!!
I would never offer her a lift again as I'm a bit bitter like that.