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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

373 replies

Ivygarden · 27/08/2018 20:50

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 28/08/2018 07:07

Your DN isn’t the problem, your sister’s parenting is.

I have a similar problem with my small DN: his parents have some sexist attitudes and he often comes out with sexist shite and expects different treatment to girls in the family. It’s his parents fault not his, but I pull him up on it when it happens in front of other family DC as I don’t think it’s good - for him or the other DC - but result is he doesn’t really like me!

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/08/2018 07:08

Ivy your son may morph into your nephew for this visit, but it'll wear off when you go home, don't worry. If he's not usually allowed to act like that then it'll be nipped on the bud soon enough!

As an aside, my older boy sounds very like your nephew, except that we are constantly trying to discourage the peanut-kicking (amongst other things)! I love him, but God it's wearing.

Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 07:10

What I don’t get is when to mention next year’s holiday. Do I say it whilst we are here or wait until they look at booking something before I say we won’t be coming?

I’m going to stop being passive and take the bull by the horns.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 07:13

@Contessa
I’m pleased to hear that my son will quickly revert back to his nice ways when we get home.
I feel bad for my DNep as he is desperate for some boundaries. My sister is divorced and her exHB is French- their parenting styles are very different, hence why my nephew is constantly testing her (and everyone else Confused).

OP posts:
LaContessaDiPlump · 28/08/2018 07:14

Two things:

  1. Write a note to yourself and stick it to the inside of your cupboard door. It should say something like "Remember last year's holiday at X place? Remember the washing? Remember the dishes? Remember the planning? Remember how it made you feel? DON'T DO IT AGAIN!" That should do it (and if by some awful chance they see the note then you haven't been too scathing about them and they can't quite it).

  2. Put newly toilet trained DD in a pull up for a motorway journey - we broke all the rules with our two and did what was easiest at the time and they were completely dry by the time school started (in fact well before). Give yourself a break!

Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 07:15

@loopy
Sounds very similar and, like you, I’m sure my DNep probably doesn’t like me very much either.

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 28/08/2018 07:16

Never mind that print this thread out and stick it to tne fridge

LaContessaDiPlump · 28/08/2018 07:16

X-post again - I'd wait to mention next year. In fact don't bring it up unless they do.

Re DS: it may take a week to wear off I'm afraid, and you may need to incentivise this with a star chart for each time he makes a kind choice or whatever Grin but still, it will go away if it's not his default. I feel sorry for your DN, he does sound like he needs boundaries....

NellMangel · 28/08/2018 07:17

Sounds shit. I would wait until home before saying you won't be joining them next year. Otherwise it'll just cause more tension and ammo for their bullying.

Personally I would go home and do nice stuff at home with the kids. Bet they'd still have fun x

bangourvillagebesttimeever · 28/08/2018 07:19

Why are you not going on holiday with your DH? Once the holidays get mentioned next year you need to put your big girl pants on and say your doing something else. Simple as that.

Stressedoverkids · 28/08/2018 07:26

The boys think it’s funny to “punch each other in the peanuts”.

Expect to be called in by the teacher when he tries this at Creche / preschool.

Happygummibear · 28/08/2018 07:30

I don't have a boy but surely punching each other's peanuts is dangerous and could cause serious issues?

If you do want to do this again perhaps hire a big car so you can all travel together?

Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2018 07:35

If your sisters ex is French perhaps she’s over compensating as generally speaking they seem stricter... or perhaps she’s just lax. Either way it isn’t your concern and you and your dcs should not be party to this.

As for asking about next year, leave it until the time comes. Anything else will seem vindictive. Try to save up for a tent and cheap campsite instead.

As for parenting. You need a lot of “we do this” “we don’t do that” so you have your family rules. If you dsis laughs or overrules you in front of the children you tell her off and say “silly aunty passiveaggressive, she’s a grown up and she thinks x is ok. No no no. We don’t do x”. Laugh, distract the kids. Or have a plan to take them to do some amazing activity while dsis stands there like a goldfish. (You need to nip to the shops to get something interesting -eg ball/kite/frisbee thing/painting etc.

Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 07:37

@bang
Basically, all of our OH’s are in an industry where they are at their busiest with work at this time of year. Hence why we made the decision to all go away without them.

OP posts:
Xiaoxiong · 28/08/2018 07:39

Deepsea has it right that once there's a family dynamic established it's very difficult not to fall back into those roles without some pretty drastic action. My family always invite family friends along on holidays - when I was a kid I didn't question it but after some holidays with just family in recent years I now know why - it prevents those family roles from being established because a) outsiders don't play along, not knowing what the roles are "supposed" to be, and b) the presence of non-family members keeps the family on their best behaviour to each other as well!! We now have a standing invitation to a couple of family friends for holidays and everyone has a much better time.

In terms of how to bring up next year's holiday, as soon as you go home this year book yourself next year's holiday on your own or with friends. Then at Easter when your sister or mum bring it up, say "oh I've already booked with friends this year, have a good time!"

Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 07:40

@mummyoflittledragon
This is hilarious advice. Grin “Silly Auntie Passive aggressive” Grin
I will def do the “we don’t do that”. My nephew is going to hate me even more...

OP posts:
Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 07:41

@stressedoverkids
My thoughts exactly Confused

OP posts:
Mummyoflittledragon · 28/08/2018 07:48

Ivy
I used to use this one with dd. Except it was “silly grandma”. You may need “silly grandma” too. My mother has seriously backed off with the parental edicts since I told her contact with my dd is a privilege not a right when she, my sil and my brother tried to make my dd into a scapegoat. I’m the family scapegoat. So be warned this may be the next move against your dcs.

Fireworks91 · 28/08/2018 07:52

Tbh, you are painting yourself into the outsider role. With th Capri sun example, why didn't you call her on it and pursue it?

ivykaty44 · 28/08/2018 07:53

ivy we decided, does that mean they decided self catering?

Suggest AI or half board hotel and then no one has to lift a finger, holidays aren’t for washing up

Inertia · 28/08/2018 07:53

I would have no qualms about telling both boys off for punching one another ( I assume peanuts means genitals?) . It is incredibly stupid for your sister to encourage them to do this.

Go on a day out of your choice- I'd offer mum and sister the option to join you. Then get back early, take your turn to cook, served at a time that suits you and your children's routine. If they don't want to eat then, they can reheat theirs later.

buddahbelly · 28/08/2018 08:04

I tell my ds and his friends he has over frequently for the punching thing, so I couldn't stand by and watch him, id say quite loudly "we don't do that at home, we dont do it here, understand" looking at my ds and also to the nephew.

dsis could go fuck herself for all I care but if I don't want my ds to do something I make sure he knows it. by not speaking up your ds now thinks this is appropriate behaviour.

Try and enjoy your holiday for the next few days, I agree get a day on your own with your own children and do something nice with them. give her the day with her own child and lets see how they get on (because I have 1 also and I appreciate it much more when someone else comes to play)

or if dsis and your mum pipe up again say that you'd love to help but as they've given you the role of childcare assistant its quite hard to get anything done now im looking after your child as well as my own.

juneau · 28/08/2018 08:09

God how awful Sad My DSis and DM can gang up a bit on me too, but I just ignore it and I definitely wouldn't go on holiday with them - I shudder to even think of how they'd be organising everything and driving off while I'm still trying to get the kids dressed - argh!

Definitely print off this thread when you get home to remind yourself how bloody awful it is going away with them.

And then practice saying 'Thanks, but we're going to do our own thing this year', when the inevitable question comes at Easter about booking next year's misery fest.

As for this year, I'd just do your own thing as much as you can. Do you own laundry, put your own DC to bed, discipline your DS as you would at home, and FFS don't do this again next year!

Original poster
Ivygarden · 28/08/2018 08:11

@juneau
Misery fest Grin

OP posts:
Gersemi · 28/08/2018 08:29

I hate competitive housework on holiday. I once when on a long weekend with friends one of whom was like this, it was a complete nightmare because we could never relax and chill as she was always in the kitchen giving off massive martyr vibes. When we self-cater, it's on the basis that it's my holiday also and I am going to do absolutely minimal cooking. Having to cook a full meal for six just because other people in the group decided they're going to would be a complete pain in the neck.