WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

[Ivygarden]

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

Don't want to go into detail as it's outing, but I have been on an annual family holiday for 4 years in a row and I hated it last year so this year I booked something else and just told them I couldn't go this time (... sorry, what a shame etc. But that week that you normally go away was the cheapest one by miles... have fun etc.). It's been so much better!

Have you thanked your sister for doing all the grunt work and for taking your son under her wing so you can focus on your dd?
She might be feeling a bit taken advantage of, while you're feeling like shes taken over.

I bloody hate this, I feel so bad for you OP. It's one reason why one pair of friends are former friends, 3 years in a row we had this nonsense on holidays with them. These are people who take over everything, like control freaks on acid. Every time you go to do something it's "oh no, I'll do that/I've already done that" in their oh so long-suffering voices and then bitch behind your back that you never help. They had every minute of the time itinerised too.

3rd time, yep, we left 2 days early. However, we didn't have small children who were enjoying themselves and these people weren't family so we didn't care too much about burning bridges.

I'd leave. No one, including DH, interferes with my parenting. I never undermine DH either even if I disagree. We talk about it after.

Your DS isn't having a great time. He is being pitted against you. I'd run as fast as I could away from these people. Next year when they tell you about this trip tell them you aren't available.

Make a decision to have a lovely time from now on.

Go somewhere with your own kids only tomorrow and when you’re with your Ds and dd, let him know that behaving like the nephew isn’t on, and that you’ve been noticing how rude he’s being, and you’re not pleased.

You need to stop being so passive!

Take what you want from the situation and do your own chores.

Enjoy the rest of your holiday

Go home and next time go on a holiday that you want to go on with your dc. I guarentee you will have a much better time

You’re right @Ginny. I will do as you suggest.

Confront them. Say what you have said here. Don’t leave. Maybe your sister doesn’t realise she’s being over motherly (not sure how else to put it) and she’ll back off a bit.

I'd probably stick it out if your DC are enjoying it. I would let your DM and DS know that this will be the last year, and mean it though.

I'd stay for the sake of the kids but not go next year.

Take back control, and spend the rest of the holiday solely with your own children. And tell your mother and sister exactly why when you get home!

I'm not a fan of shared family holidays, tbh.

Or you could be super passive agressive and just let them crack on with their offers of help. Sit down and put your feet up. You already know they are bitching about you behind your back, so it cant exactly get worse, so flip it back on them.....and then never go on holiday with them again.

(Not sure I would have the guts to follow this course of action myself 😬. Its amazing how brave the advice is that you can dish out sitting safely behind a keyboard!)

I think doing your own thing and coming together in the evenings will help anyway as you’ll all have a bit of space.

Insist on doing bedtimes for your two.

I would tell them you heard but at the end of the holiday. More so that you can say you obviously have different ideas about holidays and it would be better to do something separately next year. (not confrontational).

How hurtful for you. There have been many good suggestions with taking back control. I really feel for you, as this is coming from the two people who should love and support you the most. When the holiday is over, write down why you're never doing this again and remember to look at it when they discuss the next years holiday! I suggest separate holidays or separate accommodation.

I was in the same situation with my mil. Every year i said never again but then found myself stuck in a holiday cottage a year later in the middle of nowhere with a narcissist who hates me. This year it all kicked off when she had a massive go at me for no good reason. I wanted to leave but again talked myself out of it for the sake of the dcs and spend the rest of the week hiding in the bedroom. But mil was obviously spoiling for a fight and had a huge go at dh, we eventually left a day early but I still haven't recovered and will never talk to mil again.
Just leave. Its really not worth being miserable for a free holiday. Is there anyway u could afford to stay somewhere else for a few days instead of going home or take the dcs on some days out from home ?

Sounds like your sister is fed up with your behaviour. God knows why you haven’t all come to decide on a rota if you all go on hols together. But if your sister has been doing your washing and cooking no wonder she’s peed off.

Agree you need to take your kids off for the day tomorrow. I’d stay, so as not to upset the kids, but if you go next year, agree ground rules first...

I would tell them that I had heard quite clearly what they had gossipped about you in the garden, and that you will not speak any more of it, but can forget about any future holidays or goodwill between you

They're being cows.

Your sister has a single child who is 6, and your mother there to help her a lot.

You have two children there, both younger, 4 and 2, which are decidedly needier and more hands on ages. And your mom is there on your sister's 'team' so to speak, both sitting back and criticizing you while pretending to 'help' you happily.

They're bullying cows.

If you truly feel you can't leave first thing in the morning, then do your own thing tomorrow with your children. Your sister will backtrack rapidly, because her 6 year old will be left without your 4 year old to play with and be upset. BUt not your problem. Go out for the day and do your own thing. Eat our or get a take out.

And I would have words with both of them. They have set themselves up as running the show, planning the itinerary, and your sister has only 1 child who is older than both of yours who are obviously harder work because of their ages, yet they still just sit around slagging you off. You're supposed to be family. But they're just bullies behind your back ... and you won't be putting yourself or your children in this position again.

What would happen if you stopped Dsis from doing something and said "When you take over, it doesn't feel like you're helping, more like you're bossing us around. I prefer not being treated like a child who can't take care of themself."?

It's pretty direct but sticks specifically to the one thing, how you feel, and makes it clear that her behaviour is causing this.

Because taking over from someone, bossing them around, then acting like they're the lazy one, is really manipulative. It's all for their own benefit as well, to feel superior.

If the op is mainly looking after one 2 yo and leaving someone else to do all the housework, as well as look after your child and her own - then i can see why they're calling you lazy. Maybe your sisters got a point.

OP - you've had some great advice. I would also branch away tmw telling them you're doing your own thing as a family. If they kick off, tell them you heard them talking, are very hurt and need some time apart from them.

Hopefully there are plenty of activities for the children to do wherever you are so they don't feel that they're missing out being away from their cousin.

I'd also suggest it might be worth you getting in some of your own food etc to cook, if one of the issues was mealtimes.

Hope you manage to enjoy the rest of the time.

Drop it into the conversation that you overheard them. not directly something like 'I guess I need to start looking after my kids for once...or 'hmmm, maybe I should for once do the washing up...', I would add that I would find their behaviour really annoying, maybe your sis likes being a martyr to the washing up and then moaning about it, idk, I hate that sort of passive aggression. If it were me, and I wanted to go I would get a cheap tent and go camping with my DS, still get your holiday. Make your own arrangements next year - you will feel empowered if you take control

spottybetty it's not as clearcut as it sounds. Having, ruefully, been on the receiving end of behaviour like this it's not do much letting someone else do the washing it's being overridden, like they ALWAYS get in before you. "Oh I'm doing some washing, have you got any bits to throw in?" So you take them at their word and bring out a few bits you'd quite happily and normally have done yourself once you had a full load and it gets twisted when reported back that you expected them to do your laundry.
It was coffee that was the final straw where I was concerned, I'd get up earlier than everyone else and first thing I'd do would be have a nice fresh jug of coffee for everyone once they were up. The Wife of our couple would come into the kitchen pour herself a cup and wait until the very second her DH or my DH wandered in then ostentatiously pour them a cup, add sugar, cream and present it to them as if she'd been sweating over a hot coffee pot all fucking night. I won't even go there with the actual breakfast - some people are fucking geniuses at martyrdom, taking the credit, making it seem that they've done EVERYTHING while you've been sat on your arse when the reality is far different.

@Aurora, you’ve hit the nail on the head.

DSis has cooked one meal and DM has cooked one meal. Other than that, we’ve eaten out or had a takeaway. My sister has been saying, “I can’t wait to see what you cook!”
I will gladly cook something- I manage to feed my family every other day of the year- but so far haven’t had the opportunity. Will make a point of going to shops with kids tomorrow to buy dinner things and cook for us all.
It’s really not that I’ve sat on my arse- for example, both times DM or DSis have cooked, it was while I was putting my children to bed.

Another example of my laziness-

Every other year, I’ve done the food shopping and arranged for it to be delivered at the holiday house on our arrival. This year, my sister decided to do it. (Which is why she was able to cook a meal on our first night- as she’d ordered all the bits she needed).
Anyway, she ordered a box of Capri Sun drinks for the children. As soon as my two saw them, they have been asking to have one but DSis has repeatedly told them that they are for days out. Completely agree. Yesterday afternoon we went to the beach. I packed a Capri Sun for each of the children to which she came up behind me, promptly unpacked said Capri Sun and asked why I was too lazy to fill up their drinks bottles. I did ask why then had she bought the Capri Sun drinks if the children were not allowed to drink them. They will be allowed to drink them when she says so. Guarantee it.