WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

[Ivygarden]

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

Well for tomorrow’s picnic plan pack them each a Capri sun!

Your sister is weird and rude about the Capri sun. Take all of them today and have a lovely day out with your kids. Then never holiday with them again!

Don’t go home. See it out this time for the children but take responsibility for your son and your washing whether they like it ir not. Let them know you heard them and you are hurt. Don’t go next year.
Good luck!

I wouldn't bother confronting them. It'll just up the passive aggressive martyrdom immensely. Total nightmare.

Best way to deal with them is the direct indirect approaches others have said. Going out tomorrow alone - not telling them where you're going, just saying you want time with your kids etc. Saying you'll eat out.

Don't cook for them without telling them both very clearly though you're doing it beforehand. Ideally spend the afternoon with them that day (tomorrow?) too so any attempts at your sister saying she'll cook or they'll eat out or whatever you can thwart. Just like the CapriSun she doesn't actually want you to cook or take initiative. She wants to feel old by bitching about you to your mother. And your mother should not be playing along.

So play them at their own game until Friday and then start saving for holidaying without them next year, because that's not a holiday. You're going to come home and be thankful you're away from them. At least it'll make coming home feel good I guess!

• "good" not "old"!!

The reaction about the Capri sun isn’t weird. It proves that your sister has decided to assign you the label of lazy. Your sister/ mother have also decided to manipulate the children into believing that a lot of what you do is wrong. You are also boring and the disciplinarian to boot. I’m surprised these two bitches can stand to be anywhere near you.

Anything else?

at Dsis rationing capri-sun!

As the DC are enjoying it I’d stick it out and use some posters’ tips to regain some control and fun with the DC. And not go next year!

When you cook, inform them you’ll be serving tea earlier (or later) so that you can put your two DC to bed.

You run the risk of a much bigger and more damaging argument if you stay. As others have said, tell them calmly without emotion that you heard what they said and leave. Don't elaborate any further.

Take the kids to a theme park once you are home or somewhere fun nearby and maybe make a tent in the garden to make up for it. Vow never ever to go on holiday with them again whatever happens.

Old family dynamics are almost impossible to shake off op and are especially prevalent on holidays.

God they sound awful. I would go with the suggestion of taking your own kids out somewhere and saying you want family time. I can't stand confrontations (and it's not nice for the kids) so when I got back I'd email and detail why you won't be going on holiday with them again.

I'd also go out and buy the kids some capri sun's but I'm petty like that :)

"spottybetty

Sounds like your sister is fed up with your behaviour."
You can't force help on people then moan about it.
Op I'd be telling your sister where to stick her capri sun. You're meant to be on holiday.

Yes I'd do that too. Buy some for your dc and let your nephew have one if his mum says it's ok

@Loopy

I have tried to suggest that we all eat together (as we always do at home) so that I can then put the children to bed after dinner but my mum “doesn’t want to eat that early” (I suggested 6pm- so not ridiculous).

We had this holiday earlier this year with ILs, but I only went for a long weekend due to work. I really regret leaving DH with them as their behaviour towards him has permanently damaged our relationship with them. And we will NOT be going next year.

And yes, the eating without the children drives me fucking nuts! Of course I want to eat with my DC, and they want to eat with us!!

@Mummyoflittledragon

Yep, I’m def the boring disciplinarian. The boys think it’s funny to “punch each other in the peanuts”. I don’t find this remotely funny and neither does my DH when my DS did it to him once. I’m constantly telling them both to stop it but my sister thinks it’s funny (“Let them be boys” etc) so doesn’t stop DNep so I’m fighting a loosing battle.

I would leave. If I really couldn't leave but I would I'd become the most passive aggressive person you've met. I'd be spoiling the kids with Capri sun and ice creams at every opportunity, calling her boring when she says they're not allowed, hiding my washing, eating off paper plates so no washing up, saying I'll meet them places and then going elsewhere, I'd be saying things to DN like 'in our house we use kind hands. Has anyone taught you to be kind dn? That's ok, that's something you need to learn from example'.

Thank you for all of your responses.
@originalsaltedpeanuts
I think it’s more that my sister has labelled me as lazy and has taken it upon herself to mother my son (anf let him get away with murder) and he loves it as she’s the cool auntie. She’s taken charge of the washing up until this point (perhaps two loads - we only got here on Friday). But as I’m up before them I’ve already stuck a load on.

When your sister is washing up you should comment "come on don't be so boring! We're on holiday. I'll sort tgat later!"

I know exactly what you mean. This used to happen to me, but over Christmas.

I lived away for years and my sister stayed local, so between them her and mum would spend weeks ‘prepping’ for Christmas Day. They’d do all the food, all the organising etc. I offered and offered and tried to et involved but got batted away. I had kids and she didn’t at that point.

Christmas Day I’d be with my very young DC, while they sorted the meal. And then I’d be expected to do all the clearing up and washing up and when I complained, or stopped to sort one of the children out, I’d get the cries of ‘god you’re so lazy, anything to get out of doing any work’.

This carried on even after I’d moved back to my hometown. They’d been organising it for so long that there was no place for me to get involved. We were still expected to attend every year, and I was assigned the lazy arse who sits on her backside all day. I’d met DH by then and he found it baffling (and obvs had my back).

And then one year I just reached tipping point, told mum and sister to go fuck themselves, and went home. We’ve done Christmas here ever since to great success, and in fact have had my parents and siblings here.

You need to change the script. No more holidays. And yes, I’d go home, and tell them why.

@ileftmylunchathome
Hilarious. I would love to be this brave. I’m genuinely concerned that my son is morphing into my nephew.

Thought you might say that about eating early OP, and I bet if you made / served the food once DC were in bed she’d moan it was too late and she was hungry!

You could make something that can be served early to those who want to eat but keep without spoiling for others to heat a portion later, eg ploughman’s, curry, salads, spag bol or lasagne.

I’d pack up and leave, then text and say your leaving as you over heard them talking about how lazy you are therefore don’t feel comfortable staying. You’d rather just holiday alone with dc.

A caravan on the coast for a week with the children on the beach etc and books with wine in the evening- washing up piled in the sink and enough clothes and no washing machine would be preferable to me

@Yippee

Sounds painfully similar. I’ve definitely been assigned that role. You did the right thing by stopping it and I know I need to do the same. But each year, it gets Easter or whatever when we discuss booking somewhere and somehow it’s like I’d forgotten how shite these holidays are, only to be reminded the minute we arrive (or when my DM gets in the car with my DSis - leaving me to make approximately 60 motorway stops alone with my newly toilet trained two year old).