WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

[Ivygarden]

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

@Ivy I am in such shock that they would lie about what they said when you heard them and your DF basically repeated it!

So your sister is ok with getting your pram out and taking DD for a walk to get her to sleep BUT she couldn’t possibly pick up and move a pair of DDs shoes from the bathroom? Absolute bollox!

Your DSis is most certainly jealous that you have a DD.

I Sincerely hope you said to your DM that this was the very first time she had even gotten in the car with you on holiday and it was only because you were so upset.

Also NO ONE should be pulling their weight on holiday BECAUSE ITS A HOLIDAY!

A few PP have mentioned about being tough on their niece or nephew and then in turn them not liking them very much BUT they will likely respect you a lot more for it! There’s being firm but fair. Rewards for good behaviour etc. Your nephew pushes the boundaries because he can.
I would say very loudly next time he tries to play the peanut hitting game “It looks like your mummy doesn’t want any grandchildren or care about your health, as she thinks this is ok. I do, so you will stop this game at once.”

Stay strong Ivy!!

Didn’t you tell them that you’d fucking heard them slag you off with your very own not at all fucking lazy ears?

This!!

I am sitting here open mouthed at the brass neck of the pair of them. Can’t believe the lie they’ve just spouted to your face.

OP, please leave your sister, mother and nephew to their own company. Don’t be their scapegoat,they treat you appalingly.

Remove yourself from their sick game and make it over.

One of the phrases I heard on MN that stuck in my head was “ Honest person will apologise, liar will get defensive”.

I appreciate that you are staying because the DC are enjoying themselves, but I would leave (especially after your last post).

Your DC, will enjoy being at home with their DF and in an environment where their DM is not being scapegoated, gaslighted and generally treated like shit.

It doesn’t matter that your DSIS is jealous, but the fact that your mother is backing up her behaviour to you speaks volumes (golden child). Let’s see how they all cope trying to entertain a bored six year old by themselves!

This is so familiar to me, the dynamic of sister and mum turning into a pair of nasty hags when they get together. I haven’t been in close confinement with them together for years because of it. The manipulation, muscling in on everything and then blaming you for not doing it yourself, and then the gaslighting is just such nasty behaviour. I honestly don’t know how they can live with themselves, and I really mean that. I know they’re not exactly murderers, but how can people do this to someone, it’s beyond me how they don’t see themselves and what they’re doing to you. I know the feeling of doing it for the kids, but you matter too. You can’t force yourself through this, it’s not on at all. As PP have said, they WILL be gossiping about you, blaming you, vindicating themselves, trying to get your DF onside etc etc etc and this is normal for this type of person. That is what they’ll do, and there’s not going to be anything that you can do to stop them, because if they don’t make it definitely your fault, then they’d have to examine their own behaviour - and they just aren’t going to do that. They’re toxic, the pair of them, and I would not be accepting a holiday or any other offer of assistance in any form from them, whether it’s chucking a lid of washing in, or helping with the kids. They’ll probably be saying stuff like “ooh she wants so choosy when we were doing XYZ for her, was she?” You have to accept that before it happens, know that it’s coming, the turning it around on you thing. Remind yourself of how they’ve treated you, and that they’ve set you up for being abused by them as some sort of game to make them feel superior or whatever the hell it is. It’s them, it’s not you. There is no questioning why they choose to do this, you won’t really get a good answer. Think of all the nasty and power-mad narcissists in the world, they’re all somebody’s sibling, child or parent. No amount of soul searching from you will give you answer as to why they are the way that they are, and why they’ve treated you this way - they’ve got their own issues.

It may not feel like it op but you did really well pointing out to your mum there obviously was a conversation. Agree absolutely re if your Sis was trying to help... she could have picked up a pair of baby shoes without straining a muscle?

The fantasy world some people live in where they are the good guy instead of the scheming bitch is unshakeable.

I'm thinking of you today OP
I hope it goes well.

In your shoes I'd pack up this morning so everything is ready to go at any time. Also you're less likely to change your mind.

Leaving early is important for two reasons:

1. Your self esteem
2. The clear message to mum & sis that you are in control of your life and you will make decisions for your kids as you see fit.

Good luck today

Oh op this sounds so awful. They both gaslighting you I'd awful able makes you question everything. Your sister and mum sound like they are trying to pull you into the drama triangle (persecuter, rescuer and victim) but only want to play the role rescuer and victims despite clearly being the persecutors. Grey Rock till you go home and go home as soon as you can.

You are an awesome mama. Be honest with your kids about this sort of behaviour and help them not fall into these traps too.

Now after this, I hope you've packed up & left them to it.
Never go away with them again - either together or seperately

Yay, going home today! Eyes on the prize op

Just go as it sounds awful but remember someone who doesn't pull their weight is also bloody irritating and that's probably why they've turned nasty in general. You're probably at least partly to blame for their unkind behaviour

Unhelpful.
Who goes on holiday to do a clothes wash?
It's supposed to be a holiday.
You do that when you get home.
Holidays are about relaxing and having a good time.
If not - you may as well stay home.

Happy home day!

Best of luck for a swift exit.

It's supposed to be a holiday (for everyone!) not some kind of family assault course - (the assault being upon your self-esteem.)

Just opt out and leave them to it.......your peace of mind deserves it.

Watching with interest, Ivy, hope you skip away today relatively (ha) unscathed.

Oh that's horrible, I would leave and explain to them why

Hope you're heading home now Ivy!

Are you home OP?

Hope you're home with your DH now and able to enjoy your time and relax.

Hope you’re ok OP.

How's things OP?