WIBU to bin off this holiday early?

[Ivygarden]

For the last few years, me and my DS (4) and DD (2) have holidayed with my DM and DSis and my DNep (6). Every year I vow not to do it again but the children love it so here we are (on a self catering holiday by the seaside).
Basically, every year my sister adopts the role of mother hen and always takes it upon herself to do the washing, tidying, organising (and being a total martyr about it!). My DM and DSis and nephew always travel together in one car throughout the week, including long journey here and back home again. Because of this, DM and DSis are quite often together, making arrangements etc that I’m not aware of (I’m always on the back foot and anything I suggest is instantly dismissed as they have already discussed the itinary etc). My DD (2) is ridiculously clingy to me. My son and nephew are usually playing together and, as I have my daughter permanently glued to me, my sister usually tends to watch the boys (ie puts them to bed whilst I put my daughter to bed). Although this is helpful, it is not necessarily what I would want as I would like to do more with my DS, but again, she takes it upon herself (in her martyr-like way).

Fast forward to now...I just overheard them slagging me off in the garden implying that I’m lazy and saying things like, “oh perhaps she’s actually looking after her own kids for once”, “good job she doesn’t have more than two”, “she might even be doing her own washing etc”.

Honestly, I just feel like going home. My DS has turned into a dick since arriving as he copies my nephew. I’m the bad guy, always reprimanding my son as I know he wouldn’t be so silly at home but my sister then says, “oh isn’t she boring?” to the children and I hear her threatening to tell me when the boys are misbehaving (God forbid).

My DM pays for the house every year. They are already discussing next year’s holiday (I do not want to go). I also don’t want to say that I over heard them and cause a confrontation but I now feel like going home (but shame for the children - this will be their only holiday). I will certainly make sure I’ve turned the washing machine on / unloaded the dishwasher first. What shall I do? Feel utterly miserable.

went, not when

Oh OP, as someone who holidays every year with extended family, this kind of thing is quite familiar! I think I take on the mother hen role with my sister but I don’t think she is lazy. She has a hard time with her two kids so I help out. I love her and will do it for her.

However, when all shoved under one roof it can make any little resentments suddenly become magnified and I have been known to feel utterly pissed off with her and feeling taken advantage off. We have had honest words.

We have discovered that the most successful family holidays are ones where everyone is honest about expectations. Ie- “Do we need to do a rota for housework?”. My mum naturally takes on the house work routine but never complains and chooses to do it to be helpful. We help out too obviously!

I think to salvage your holiday I would sit and have a chat and say you over heard them, give your side but then come up with an agreement about future chores etc. If a rota is in place then nobody can argue.

I wouldn’t suddenly cut them off from future family holidays. If the kids love them, you get a free holiday and have help then it can be really nice. You just need to all discuss expectations. Families fall out and have moans about each other. A frank chat is needed!

Good luck

How much washing can there be if you only arrived on Friday? Personally I think it’s a blessing you are in your own car so you can be independent. Find somewhere your kids would like to go and then go there - if your Mum and sis have other plans tell them you’ll see them later. Ask your kids what they’d like for supper and make that - eat with them (in our house we always eat together don’t we kids? That’s much more fun isn’t it?) Get the kids to ask granny to come with you in your car on some of the trips to break up their gang. Don’t agree to a holiday next year - say something along the lines of not being able to plan so far in advance. “DD feels really left out when the boys get together - I think we might go away as a family.”

By your own admission you are dealing with your clingy daughter ans sbe is dealing with both boys and the chores. Perhaps ask your Mum to take over dealing with your daughter so you can pitch in more with the grunt work.

Say my turn to cook tonight what do you fancy.

I know it was shit to overhear them but by your own admission she does seem to be doing it all - even if she takes it on herself. Be firmer about it being your turn. Maybe she was trying to take your daughter to.put to bed so you'd deal with your son.

What are you going to do today then OP?

Def go away somewhere else next year!

@Goblin
I really hope you are actually my sister but I don’t think she’s on Mumsnet. Some really sound advise. Thank you

Are you going out on your own today with the kids? Hope so.

@Lillian
That’s a really good excuse. I think that’s partially the reason my DD is being so clingy; my son is playing with his cousin when he’d normslly be playing with her.

So this morning my DD woke up before 6 (as she has done very morning so far). Where i’d normally try to keep her quietly watching the tv so as not to wake up the rest of the house, this morning I started with the competitive housework and did the washing, dishwasher, put out bins etc. Apart from saying morning, no one really spoke to me so I take it that they know they’ve upset me.

Three kids is also an unstable number - we've been on holiday with my two DSs (4 and 6) and their cousin (also 6) this summer. They seem naturally either to fall into the two older boys playing together and the younger left out, the brothers playing together and the cousin left out, or the cousin and younger DS playing more rough and tumble outside which always ends in tears and my older DS doesn't enjoy it so he goes off on his own. They all seem to behave worse together than when cousin is alone or our DSs are alone.

We've been trying to figure out how to improve the dynamic but the only thing we can come up with is to either invite another kid along, or somehow remove the parents from the mix because the kids don't play up as much when left with grandparents.

Thinking of you, OP.
What are your plans today?

Have you got some friends you can go away with next year instead? If you book that then it’s a way of getting out of it, break the cycle.

Nice work op - I hope they feel guilty!

Nightmare. You could just explain you're not enjoying it, and go home. Days out for the DC instead. It's a bit pointless making you feel uncomfortable, isn't it. Shooting themselves in the foot (feet?) because obviously you won't want to do this again!

Spend today feeling supported by these responses - be pro active and ensure that you are pulling your weight with the children and chores. Make up a little game in your head - one point for every passive aggressive comment and action from DM and DS. Look forward to feeding back to us. They won’t know anything about it! Turn it into good fun! Prepare to leave on Thursday - long enough for the children to have a holiday, but one day early will be a strong signal to the adults that you are in control.

I hope you do get a nice day out with your children OP, also if I was ur sister I would be doing most of the house work anyway ... you have two little ones - she has 1 whos 6 - I have a 4 and 2 year olds and its hard work!

Basically, all of our OH’s are in an industry where they are at their busiest with work at this time of year. Hence why we made the decision to all go away without them.
There’s your excuse for next year - ‘it’s not fair on dh that we always holiday at his busiest period, we’re going to book holidays he can come on this year.’

Oh god. It continues. We went out for breakfast today as DH and DGF arrived to join us. Didn’t even tell DH as didn’t want to waste time with him moaning about my family when I know he’ll say, “I told you so” as he’s obviously had to hear it every year.

Just got back to the house and started putting the washing out in the clothes airer. Ran out of space so my DH set about trying to put up the washing line. Whilst he was doing that I started unloading the dishwasher. When I got back outside I asked where my DD was as I’d left her playing in the garden. My dad announced that my DSis was pushing her in her pram and that my DM was putting out my washing (the two pairs of trousers that wouldn’t fit on the clothes airer.) I made a point of saying that I was actually unloading the dishwasher and that no doubt them helping me (when they weren’t asked) will be held against me. Dad said that I ought to pull my weight a bit more so obviously been updated. Can now hear my dad saying to my sister, “Good old Auntie!” as she’s arrived back with my DM asleep in the pram. Will thank her but again, didn’t ask her to do that.

Seriously I'd tell them to get to fuck. This just isn't worth the aggro.

DD asleep in pram- not DM

The whole family are treating you like shit OP.

This is the second time they've been slagging you off - now to your Dad.

Also if you wanted your dd asleep, you'd have put her to sleep. So I wouldn't actually thank your sister on that one, I'd ask her what she was doing.

Seriously, go home. Life's too short for these twats.

Do not thank your sister! When she gets back, say 'Please don't take my DD out without asking me first. I don't appreciate you taking over like that.' C'mon, big girl pants!!

My sister is so like yours and it's shit.

I would be out of there, asap if I were you OP.

But can you see that it’s not that I’m being lazy, but that she is taking over before I even get a chance and then criticising me for not doing it myself? That’s how I’m seeing it but perhaps I’m wrong?