To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

Oh God don't do it. Sexual chemistry isn't as important as it's made out to be but you still need someone who lights up your world, not someone you dread spending one on one time with. I love long car drives when it's just me and DH. You'll spend the rest of your life talking to the person you marry, make sure it's someone you love to talk to.

In the time you have been with him, have you fancied anyone else?

I too was a commitment phobe. Couldn't imagine spending the rest of my life with one person. However, after finally getting married after much deliberation (wanting children kind of forced me to make a decision) and panic and regret for the first few months, I really enjoyed the 'stability' and finally unloading the constant 'angst' of looking for 'the one'.
Since meeting my DH, I have not fancied anyone else or met anyone else I would prefer to be with.

So, in those 6 years, have you continued to be attracted and drawn to other men?

*I’d suggest that if you do want children, you should marry him. He is clearly a good and decent man, and you don’t have many years to play with fertility wise.

You can always end a marriage.*

I wouldn’t be following this advice. I wouldn’t get married to someone I didn’t want to be with, just to have children. That screws up far too many lives when things fall apart. Surely you should be getting married with the hope that it will be forever-though many marriages don’t last, unfortunately-but getting married to someone just to have children is wrong in so many ways. It’s so unfair on the other partner and on potential children too.

I wouldn't marry him, it sounds like you're having major doubts.
Also, I don't think you can truly love him if this is the way you feel. And if you do love him, it's not the right kind of love for marriage. Of course there are relationships that work without sexual chemistry but that's probably because it's not important to either partner. If it's something that's important to you and you really need it, then the marriage isn't going to work.

@Proseccoagain

Your post brought tears to my eyes. He sounds like a wonderful man, I’m so sorry for your loss x

Am sure people do and doubtless for some it works but I'm with my man for love and wouldn't have it any other way . Silencer or lack of conversation isn't necessarily a bad thing - sometimes we will sit on the sofa in the evenings and say essentially nothing and that's not because either of us are ratty with the other .

I haven't got through all the thread yet sorry OP but have read all your posts.

I think so much emphasis is put into finding a soul mate, a twin flame etc these days that some people do give up on something looking for that. And I don't for one minute believe that there is that ONE person in life waiting for you to meet. Everyone has different personalities, one person may be more chatty than the other, one may be more outgoing etc etc. Its finding the balance I think. Its not all lightning bolts and feeling giddy when meeting folk. For me, I think having moments of not always having something to talk about would be great. I like my solitude and would quite happily sit without an intense conversation, or any for that matter.

Maybe think about life without him in it. Try looking from that angle. If you weren't with him, would you be happier?

Go the parents' evening of any private school. For every 'power couple' you see many more 'SAHM + big earner' combinations. Of these, in no small number of cases the woman is bringing a good deal more physical attractiveness to the table than the man. I daresay that 'sexual chemistry' has at least sometimes been deprioritised along the way.

You should only ever marry for love. I hate people who marry for security or financial protection. Marriage is about love.
My husband is the complete opposite to my usual type physically, but no one has ever loved me like he does, or made me happy like he does. And I've never felt the way I do about him with anyone else, not ever. It's about how you and another person feel about each other, if there's no love there it will never ever work at all

I hate people who marry for security or financial protection

That is a little harsh Happy.

But love is an often romanticised concept which makes wonen put heart over head in a very unwise way, and behave in a way which a man, thinking more rationally, may not.
Love is one thing but it wont pay the mortgage or necessarily mean support raising children.
I think happy is naive.

DH and I can natter about pure rubbish for hours - I look forward to spending time with him, even if we just talk about TV, the garden or DC.
2 hours in a car with him would be good fun. In fact, if one of us has a long journey, the other will sometimes just tag along for the company.
Marriage is a long game, and if you feel this way now, it will only get worse.
Honestly, if your heart isn't screaming that you love him at this point in your relationship, it never will.

NOOOOOO!!!! You don’t need to be married - only marry the man you couldn’t possibly be without! I dated lovely stable and kind guys in the past... I could’ve married a couple of them but always left because of similar reasons to you. When I met my husband I just KNEW he was the one. It was genuinely a life hanging moment when he walked into the room, I’m not exaggerating when I say it was live at first sight. Now I am married to the most unbelievably HOT, funny, gorgeous man who gives me butterflies all the time 🦋 Sure we’ll age and go grey and wrinkly (I hope) but it’s just him, his mannerisms, his way of being that I find absolutely irresistible. He’s the only man that makes me feel this way. Don’t settle!

@Procrastination4 I agree. Marrying someone you’re not sure about, as a sort of insurance policy, on the basis that at least you’ll have got some children out of it even if the marriage doesn’t work out would be pretty shit.

And I meant to add very selfish as well.

Sounds like my marriage! My DH and I are like chalk and cheese. I am sure some people wonder why we are together. But, we do have sexual chemistry and that for me is key.

I did have previous boyfriends who made me laugh out loud but they were also egotistical tossers - I would rather sit in silence next to my lovely DH. Netflix helps! He does have hobbies though (which I have no interest in, and ditto he in mine)

As others have said, the big red flag for me is that conversation is sometimes hard. I can’t imagine settling for that. My husband and I have great chemistry and are attracted to each other, but do have slightly mismatched sex drives. We have plenty of things that irritate each other too. In the whole 8 years (5 married) we’ve been together though, talking hasn’t been a problem. We have a connection where we just click and can talk forever, or not talk and be comfortable together anyway. It feels like we’re two halves of a whole, and I’ve never had that with any other relationship, romantic or otherwise. Some evenings we get in from work, eat, chat briefly about our day, and sit watching TV or amusing ourselves with hobbies etc. Some evenings to get in, and then before we know it it’s time for bed and we’ve just sat chatting for hours.

It sounds like sex is good for for you both, but you just don’t want it, if I’ve understood correctly? Well sex drives wax and wane, but if you’re not physically attracted to him at all then I can’t see it working. If you can’t be comfortable not talking, and can’t find things to talk about when you do want to talk, then I can’t see it working. If you think yourself that you’d be settling, then you are settling, and that isn’t fair on him.

I’d try and have this conversation with him if I were you. “Do you think we run out of things to say sometimes?” just to see if he has the same concerns.

I think you need to work out the difference between the sex bit and the friends bit. Sex will always be amazing at the start and wane after years together and especially kids! You have to work a bit harder at it as that lust/honeymoon period won't last forever. The friends bit you mention is more worrying I think as you have to like your man and get on for it to last. I think one of the most important things in a relationship is humour. You have to be able to laugh together, be silly, have fun. And genuinely like and respect each other. Without that backbone the sex bit will never last long. Good luck OP I know how hard it is

Everything that Crim said.

It seems like there are a lot of posters who have settled into a relationship that is “enough” for them, and are happy with their lot.

It also seems like some posters have been lucky enough to find the person they would describe as their soulmate, and as a result would never dream of marrying someone who was just “ok on paper”.

Neither is necessarily right or wrong. There’s nothing to say that those in seemingly “perfect” relationships will still be in 10 years’ time. But I think your poor fiance might be devastated if he knew how you really felt. You need to get some counselling, and talk to him about it.

Dreading a long car journey before you’re even married is a big red flag.

OP it does sound as though you like him, or like the idea of him, but that you don’t find him interesting. And there would seem to be a basic incompatibility if you are the sort who needs to talk all the time and he isn’t.

I have mentioned the conversation thing to him before, he just says ‘Well I haven’t done anything or seen anyone all day so I don’t really have a lot to talk about.’

But that isn’t my point, that certainly doesn’t help, and actually, contrary to how it appears from this thread, I love silence and just reading things on my phone, or a book or watching something on TV etc. But it’s the fact that I sit there thinking ‘Well even if I wanted a long conversation now I couldn’t really have one.’ We do talk about random stuff and politics etc sometimes, and we have mostly the same views/ outlook on things etc. But sometimes I just want some bloody lighthearted conversation, or some gossip etc and he doesn’t really ‘do’ either of those things.

I had an attraction to someone last year, within a week of meeting him I was so confused about my relationship with DP. He is honestly the male version of me. We have the same taste in music, films, TV and EXACTLY the same sense of humour. We just never stopped talking. I never fancied him though and even at the end, the thought of having sex with him just didn’t do anything for me. Unfortunately it wasn’t the same for him, he was in a long term relationship and I think towards the end his head was completely fucked. He transferred offices and slowly cut contact. At first, I honestly missed him an our laughs so much, it actually hurt. I was so down and depressed that I cried, secretly for weeks.

I promise I’m not trying to drip feed, it’s just, I honestly couldn’t ever get excited at the thought of sleeping with him, I loved the he desired and fancied me, I liked the attention and I loved spending time with him and talking to him, he burst into my life and lit it up.

Even now, when I’m sat with DP, feeling unsure and slightly maudlin like I did last night, I think of him and imagine us two sitting together of an evening and know it would be different. I might not physically fancy him like I do my partner but id never stop laughing and we’d never really struggle for conversation

There is a world of difference between a comfortable silence and dreading a car journey with someone because you have no point of conversation whatsoever.

But sometimes I just want some bloody lighthearted conversation, or some gossip etc and he doesn’t really ‘do’ either of those things
Our relationship can be like this. We do talk about lots of things but not the constant chatter and discussion you're talking about. But I love my husband and I have friends for the chat. I really don't expect my husband to be all I need in any kind of relationship. He's great as a husband and I have mates for the rest. That seems pretty normal to me.

he burst into my life and lit it up

That's what my DH did. Sex was secondary, I was so enamoured with him as a person that while I longed to be physically close to him, I didn't daydream about having sex with him or anything (although it turned out to be GREAT when we did!). But that sense of lighting me up, setting my world on fire - that's what I fell for and it was, and still is, wonderful.

The chemistry bit wouldn’t worry me as much as the people I have had the most intense chemistry with would not have made good husbands. I wanted someone kind and dependable, but I still am very attracted to my DH as I couldn’t have married him otherwise. I don’t believe in someone who can tick every box, but some of mine are more important than others.

The not being able to have a conversation would worry me more. I see couples out for the evening who don’t talk and for me personally, that is important as I couldn’t bear the thought of years of stilted conversation.

However from what you have said, things used to be better. Can you encourage him back into his hobbies? It may be a good idea anyway or he could end up burned out with work. Did you have as many doubts before this change?