To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

omg seriously..sex and lust fade...
being best friends is so important. with 3 small kids and almost losing 1 more than once...I 've got to say.. my husband is my best friend...I may not jump on him every week but I hug him every day and I MEAN it ...he's amazing and he thinks I am too...when kids are older we 'll have more time/sex...right now we 're marvelling at what we 've created...and to be honest we know we 're super lucky...we 'll be side by side forever.

You sound just like me.. I did marry him and we had nearly 50 years together. It worked, although I knew that I married him because he was kind, lovely, generous and head over heels in love with me, (he said it was love at first sight for him), and would never hurt me, and would look after me for ever. He did. I loved him dearly, and we were happy together. We had two lovely children and now two grandchildren. We were faithful to each other all our lives. It was enough, and I settled for it and never regretted it. He died six months ago, and I am just bereft and would do anything to wake up in the morning and find him next to me

In all honesty, you cant have everything in life! Sounds pretty normal to me, also its normal to have these doubts as well.
He offers you security and love and you do love him, so I see no red flags.
No relationship is perfect and worth speaking to him about your concerns, he might feel the same! Good Luck

I could have written your post exactly. Some days I feel like i made the right choice and sometimes I regret not having the guts to end it before marriage and kids. My husband is kind, generous, reasonably good looking, has a good and stable job and is a loving father. But he is not emotionally intelligent, is a bit awkward socially and is not passionate about much, in fact is a bit depressive (not clinically depressed but just not a happy sort of person). In general our life is good and I do love him, but I cant help but think about what life would be lije if I had found someone I was truly connected to and passionate about.

Whatever you decide, good luck.

I agree that after the initial chemistry in a relationship has calmed down there are other things that keep you together. But... do you ever have random nights in when you end up drinking a bottle of wine, chatting for hours and then dancing round the kitchen until 1am? Laughing with each other so much it hurts?
If you had to choose only one person (children not included) to be stuck on a desert island with forever would it be him?
If the answers no then I'm not sure personally that I would go ahead and get married. DH and I have been together a long time and sometimes he annoys the hell out of me, sometimes I can't stand him but he is the person I like most in the world. He never bores me, even when life feels a bit mundane we can lift each other up. That's what you both deserve. If you have doubts don't do it.

He sounds great. Clearly you are more extrovert and he is more introvert which is kind of normal in a couple. I think you should pin him down on what his plan is with work and when he is going to get his life back.

Snap him up! Romance, sex and all that Jazz is overrated and rarely lasts. You have a GOOD man. They are incredibly rare, so what if he doesn't make your heart skip a beat? He will be a loving, caring, involved husband and father. He can provide, that's more than 99% of men on earth. Drop your schoolgirl fantasy of what love is and embrace the reality worts and all. You won't regret it when you see your head over heels in love mates getting their hearts broken over the years.

Personally, I think you need to work on yourself and your expectations. One-to-one counselling sounds good. He is a good man, will be a good father and life partner. If you end this, it will be your loss. I doubt he will find it difficult to find another woman who will love him for what he is.

It sounds like you are an extrovert and he an introvert. As an introvert myself, you sound exhausting to me. Fundamentally, because of your needs and expectations that he must talk about activities other than work, you are both incompatible. If you demand so much of him now when he is trying to go for a promotion, how flexible will you be if you have children together? Both of you will not have time to socialise or have hobbies then in the same way. Will you still be equally demanding that he must put your needs for good conversation first.

You are unrealistic. You should set him free to find his own happiness.

Don't cut your nose off in spite of your face

Haven't RTFT but the "I have a habit of self sabotaging my life" stuck out to me.

I really would suggest you do some counselling sessions because your past may be leading you to think things about your current relationship, which could perhaps be worked out.

However, running out of conversation isn't a good thing. I've run out of things to talk about with my OH but we've been married 30 years! I also have depression and haven't worked for a while and I do feel that I haven't got anything to talk about as my work life doesn't exist and I don't socialise much. Working from home really does make a huge difference and I'm not surprised he hasn't got much to say as it's really difficult if you can't relate little things that happened at work, comments made my co-workers, things you noticed on the way to work etc.

Lastly, sex is good and that's really important. It's not surprising that you don't always feel like it, to be honest. Life usually isn't as romantic or as interesting as we think it should be.

If you dread sitting in the car with this guy why are you considering marrying him?

For 2 hours, sorry

Some say marry the one you can't live without.
Others say marry the one you can live with.

Some of OP's posts don't make it clear whether her partner is either of these. If that's really the case maybe they shouldn't marry.

Your sex life/romance shouldn't waste away over time, ours hasn't, 20+ years together.
Also sense of humour is so important and what has kept us going through some tough times.
We definitely haven't run out of conversation, DH is the most gregarious person I've been out with and one of the reasons I married him.
Plus dh's still nice and kind as well.

Op, he sounds like a nice guy but the things that are important to you aren't really there.

I think you are chasing the improbable, while risking the love of a partner most would give their eye teeth for.

But I’d probably change my tune if you said were 23, and/or not fussed about having kids yet. If you are closer to 35+, really want a kid, then I’d say stick with it.

It’s a very modern western concept to chase the full fairytale. Some people find it. I’d argue very few. And very few in a ‘forever’ sense.

I have lots of single female friends in their thirties who would snap your hand off for a man such as you describe.

As you know you are inclined to self-sabotage, why not get counselling now, and see how you feel in a few months. I’d suggest that if you do want children, you should marry him. He is clearly a good and decent man, and you don’t have many years to play with fertility wise.

You can always end a marriage.

Don't sell your soul for money.

Sexual chemistry may be about feeling that something is familiar about someone, a repeating pattern. Not always a good thing. Security is very very underrated, I say marry him but work on yourself first. It's not him, it's you

I married that guy. I never had that crazy 'I need to be with you' feeling, but I just felt settled. We are very different. He is intellectual, reserved, thoughtful, and measured. I am uneducated, loud, and impulsive. Though we are both quite introverted, which works for us.

But, he is a good, kind man and after some huge ups and downs in the first few years of our marriage, plus PTSD from birth trauma after the birth of our DC, I couldn't imagine being with anyone else. He is my partner in life, he has seen me at my worst and still loves me endlessly. We have our own interests, our own friends, but I feel so good knowing I'm walking through life with him by my side.

I never saw our relationship as a very romantic one, but having been through the shit we have, I know now there is so much more that goes into a good, solid relationship than romance and spark.

I definitely felt like I was settling at the time, but it also just felt 'right'. What's your gut telling you?

"And if you have nothing to discuss in a two hour car journey to the point you are dreading it (rather than being happy in peaceful silence), be honest with yourself: this is going to be your life."

This. I couldn't quite articulate what I meant but this is DH and I. I used to think we were wrong for each other because we sit in silence a lot, but it's an easy, comfortable silence and we just enjoy being near each other. It took me a long time to realise the fact that we weren't constantly chattering away wasn't a bad thing.

Ugh, sorry, me again. I also felt a sense of loss for my dating life when I got married. I was so happy to be getting married but also I loved going on a first date, getting to know someone new, loved flirting and I was really sad I would never have another first kiss. Dating and being single were huge parts of my identity and I grieved losing that part of myself. It definitely wasn't cold feet but acknowledging I was closing that chapter of my life was hard.

The variety of responses on this thread indicate that for some people, close enough is just fine. For others, nothing less than the feeling of a true soul mate will do. There are no guarantees with either choice and neither is necessarily better or worse than the other. A lot of it will depend on the stage of life that you're at. Honestly, your relationship sounds like it could go either way - settle into a really lovely and comfortable marriage, or become a bit boring and leave you resentful and wanting out. Even relationships that begin with a lot of chemistry can end up in the latter position. That's just part of the gamble of long-term commitment unfortunately.

I know this doesn't help exactly, but I hope that you find some clarity. Personally I would marry him because I value stability, trust and kindness above other things, so I think the first step is to really know yourself and what matters to you.

”I have a habit of self sabotaging my life”

As a fellow saboteur I recommend you check yourself before you wreck yourself.
He sounds a delight, you seem fixated on minor things. And a bit overly critical...

I’d get some therapy or counselling to talk it out, but honestly one person will never be your everything. If you expect that you are setting yourself up to fail.

Dream couples having witty repartee and laughing their heads off all day are exactly that - dreams.

And If you are discontent, that discontentment will follow up like a black dog wherever you go, so you need to address it.

The only thing that gave me pause for thought is as you say he doent make you laugh, but then you say you do laugh and he does make you belly laugh 🤨 another sign of picking fault? I don’t know...

Truthfully I feel sorry for him in all this

What Crim said.

Everyone like to think what they have is the most right way to do it but that’s just wrong.

Marriage should be equal though. No one should marry someone else for 'stability' unless they are sure the other person is aware of that and is happy with that. If the second party thinks their spouse is in it for love and romantic reasons then that's deeply unfair.
I'd be devastated if I found out my DH has only married me because I provided financially for him and made him feel secure!