To ask if anyone has married for security rather than sexual chemistry?

[Springinglover]

Due to be married in May.

Been together 6.5 years, I met him off the back of a horrible relationship (with 2 years prior to that just dating and never meeting anyone I liked) and honestly, he was like breath of fresh air. There were no games, he just knew he liked me and that was that.

He was (is) kind, good looking, good career, solvent, moral etc etc and we had/ have a nice time together.

But for me, even at the beginning I never really felt the chemistry with him that I have with others. I absolutely adore him and we actually have a really nice life, but we don’t have loads in common and sometimes, I get home from a long day and after 30 mins or so, we almost run out of conversation.

I said yes immediately when he proposed due to him being good looking, kind and just absolutely amazing in nearly every way. But I’m starting to have doubts I want to daydream about HIM, not old flames. I want to be gagging for sex with HIM. (I’m not, we do have an okay sex life, he’s totally unselfish in bed and I always orgasm, but lately I’ve just no enthusiasm for it)

I have a habit of self sabotaging my life, I’m wondering whether this is my way of doing that. I just always imagined I’d marry someone who I’d NEVER run out of convo with, who I could sit and talk to for hours, all the time. I imagined I’d marry someone who makes me die laughing regularly. He doesn’t. We do have laughs, sometimes of the proper belly variety, but in general, his personality isn’t really the same as mine and I have to say I don’t find him as ‘funny’ as previous partners, who were all quite dry and quick witted.

Pros- He’s lovely, would do anything for anyone, is kind, good looking, loves children (would make a great father), solvent, good with money, v good career and always wants the best for me and supports me entirely.

Cons- there’s never been the sexual chemistry that I’ve had with others, we run out of convo unless we’ve both had really busy/ interesting days/ nights, he’s not as social as me, he’s a lot more laid back than me which sometimes winds me up, I just don’t really feel ‘fulfilled’ by him His family drive me up the wall!

Would I be making a mistake by marrying him? Would he be making a mistake marrying me? Has anyone else married for security and a ‘nice and kind’ husband, rather than the one who made them die laughing and had good sexual chemistry with?!

I just feel so confused

Wow. Leave now. Let him find someone who WANTS HIM, not the security he can provide.

I knew he just hadn’t really done anything or seen anyone all week so what would he really have to talk about?

I’ve been with DH 11 years and we never run out of things to talk about, despite the fact he’s worked from home for all of that time. Politics, what’s in the news, films, TV, funny things we’ve seen online, family, our past, stuff with work, and now obviously our kids are probably the main source of conversation. And of course we can also sit there in silence with me working on some craft or other and him doing whatever and it isn’t uncomfortable.

That’s the main thing for me - I feel completely comfortable with him. My sex drive has been completely ruined by hormones and ill health so that’s not on the cards right now, but we make each other happy. I can’t imagine dreading spending time with him.

I can’t understand how you can have amazing sex with someone you’re not sexually attracted to. It sounds to me like maybe you’re idealising the way you’re supposed to feel about someone and nothing can live up to it

Honestly I feel a bit sad for him, I’m sure he has no idea you feel this way.

OP you can't marry him in May. It's unfair on him. Not being able to sit in comfortable silence with a partner or even a long time friend is a red flag.

However before you split up with him start counselling on your own to understand what you need in a relationship.

Also talk to him and tell him that while he is concentrating on his promotion he still needs to go out and do a hobby once/twice a week for his own mental well-being especially if he is working at home alone.

This sounds very similar to me and my dh. Not much chemistry, often don't have very much to say but he is the loveliest kindest man I have ever known in my life. We have been married 27 years and are happy enough. I used to crave excitement and lust and physical can't keep your hands off each other attraction but it didn't really happen. On the other hand he is loyal, honest, fantastic father and puts me and the kids before everything else. I could not be without him. I would say don't be in love with the idea of being in love. The picture is much bigger than that. A previous poster said would he nurse you through cancer? Mine did and through the trauma of our child also having cancer. I don't need lust. I need love and security and that's just what I have. Good luck op

Get your counselling/therapy to unpack your thoughts before making any big decisions. I was in a similar-ish situation before I met my current OH where I would constantly ditch men for being imperfect in some way. Current OH isn’t someone I’d have imagined if end up with & he’s far from my on-paper perfect man but we are a perfect team. Yours sounds great to me... but I’m not you. Good luck x

Politics, what’s in the news, films, TV, funny things we’ve seen online, family, our past, stuff with work

This. I find it odd that you feel like he has to do hobbies to have something to say. If he's not doing hobbies surely you still talk about news, politics, books, friends, family, work, funny thing the cat did etc...

To make a relationship last you really need interests in common. And not to run out of things to say to each other.

That's more important than precisely how much you fancy him because you might go off sex/feel too tired for it with small kids anyway.

I think you are chasing something that doesn't exist for ALL of the relationship.
I was married for 15 years to a very dependable man, it was a pretty boring relationship and I wasn't happy and the sex was dull. So I left with two kids in tow and we now have a perfectly functional friendship and jointly parent the kids. I met my current partner studying for our degrees, we have the same career. Sex was on fire in the beginning but now it's great but due to crazy shift patterns it obviously isn't as regular as the beginning. He is however my best friend and my fave person to do anything and everything with. I don't crave or desire him every waking second I'm away from him. We have the same hobbies to some degree and we completely understand our work lives! I love him with my whole heart but I don't get dancing cherubs when I think about him when I'm at work or out with friends but I love the fact I know him inside out, better than he knows himself. I have friends that a single still having searched high and low for their spark flying chap and they are desperately unhappy and lonely. One friend once said to me "you've never been single for long, what's your secret?" I replied "I'm happy with my lot and when I'm desperately not I change it!"

Fascinating thread! Lots of good advice on here OP.

My 2 cents is that, yes, you should get some therapy; you probably have some attachment issues from childhood. I wouldn't break up with him yet, but I wouldn't marry him yet either. He does sound like a rare catch, so see if the therapy can help you change the way you think about him before you throw him back! Good luck!

So many posts giving different viewpoints- my two pence for what it's worth- where i come from people get married mainly for security, marriages are arranged (difference between being forced and being introduced), if you like the potential partner for what is obvious then you get married. Most marriages are stable, content marriages, there is still the heady romance of discovering eachother physically, emotionally and spiritually, but more than most times you find a common ground of interests and you work on it, anf solong as the relationship is worked upon, then it almost always succeeds. As an example, my marriage is one such, i had to discover things about my partner that i like and that i dont like. If we were to meet in a bar or at work, we'd have steered clear of eachother, we are completely different personalities, but in last 10-15 years we have worked at our relationship, have had kids which has increased our common grounds, and we both work in same industry so again a commonality. We are not passionate lovers, nor are we eachother's dream, but we bring contentment to eachother and most importantly we're completely comfortable with eachother, in our talks and in our silences amd that's the most important thing for us.

From an internal perspective, i know I'm the self sabotaging type, so I'm always completely aware of my feelings and moods, and in a way this awareness has helped me to be better at this relationship business.

If ypu think settling down for something less than a tumultuous, heady relationship is make or break thing then by all means say no now. But Sleepless in Seattle and When Harry Met Sally does not happen for every single person, and I'm afraid you may be looking for something like that?

I think if all the elements of a good person and a good relationship are there, you will have a better chance of making it together long term.

This. I find it odd that you feel like he has to do hobbies to have something to say. If he's not doing hobbies surely you still talk about news, politics, books, friends, family, work, funny thing the cat did etc..

Some people aren’t big talkers and don’t feel the need to debtate and analyse and recount everything.

At least postpone the wedding. I was you when I was in my early 20s. Had been treated like crap by men then met the kindest, loveliest man who adored me. Honestly I still cannot think of any flaws in him as he was a genuinely lovely human being.

I too wasn’t massively attracted to him but I mistook friendship and admiration for love and agreed to marry him. We booked it all. Then I met a man who made my heart race and who I had chemistry with. I fell “in love” with him and it woke me up. I called it all off.

I ended up marrying the man I fell in love with and we are together 10years later. I am so so so thankful that I met him before I married that kind and lovely man. He did not deserve that! We were both young and just thank bloody god I didn’t go through with it as we would have both been so so unhappy.

I still think fondly of my ex and I really hope his life went the way he wanted.

Honestly if you have such big doubts don’t do it.

This is a really interesting thread as I too feel like OP. With the kids' dad I could never feel relaxed while he was in the house, I felt I had to fill the silences in for him. I longed for him to be invited out for an evening just so I could enjoy the non-awkward peace and quiet. I had a friend whose husband didn't work (neither did she) and I wondered how she coped with him just sitting there.
I think perhaps I may not have experienced feelings on the same level as other people. However nor can I imagine feeling comfortable with anyone in mine and the children's house, so will probably stay alone indefinitely. Doesn't bother me though.

Laiste How should my friend change? Stop comparing real people to an ideal I suppose. As for what the op can get out of counselling, I’ve no idea - I didn’t suggest that. I have no experience of counselling.

But the more I think about this thread, and the more the op posts, the more I think the op wants out of this relationship, and so she should make the break. There’s just no point flogging a dead horse. If you’re not happy you’re not happy.

I think if it's a comfortable silence it's fine My dh and I don't talk endlessly. Sometimes it's nice just to sit and say nothing.

Ps my soulmate was a cheat and tho was great in every other way. Seriously let me down.

My dh now tho not as funny or good looking i know will be there always.

He will look after me if I am ill and supports me in all endeavours.

He isn't perfect but neither was my so called soulmate.

Melanie Reid’s Spinal Column (on behalf of the pp who referenced it but couldn’t link.

OP, he bores you.

From what you've posted you do love him. You also like him, respect him and are sexually compatible. So it does seem to me that you might be over analyzing your relationship and comparing it to a Hollywood "ideal" which tells women that what's important in a relationship is butterflies in the stomach, can't live without you type passion and the "soul mate" thing.

We're rarely told by books, movies and tv shows that kindness, respect and emotional availability should be high up our list of expectations but actually these are hugely important in a long term relationship and it sounds like you've got those plus lots more besides.

Obviously none of us here can say what you should do with absolute certainty but you said yourself you're prone to self sabotage so I think it might be a good idea to have some counseling and try to get this clear in your own mind. You risk throwing away something really good because it doesn't look exactly like the picture in your head.

Sex doesn't last anyway OP. When you're older, his attributes will matter more.

And please don't try to make him "be more sociable"

He;s not. He is what he is. Don't presume you know better.

Why do you need to talk all the time OP? DH and I have done many long distance road trips-it is possible to enjoy someones company without saying anything at all. Do you feel uncomfortable with silences? We can sit for literally hours saying nothing-I don’t think having lots to talk about is a measure of compatibility?

My DH is not a people person, his hobbies are film and cars but he doesn’t much like to talk about them. I don’t tell him much about mine.

It does seem that what you expect from a partnership is different to what you have-so don’t rush getting married. That said I think your life partner should be best friend first and a true equal, lover second. Sex important for sure but you can fancy the arse off utter fuckwits whom you would not want to share your life with. With my DH there is a bit less fire in some respects, but there is a sense of belonging and absolute trust which makes him the one for me. Even when he makes me mad I am still content. Does that make any sense?

Only you can know if the 'good enough' is enough for you.

Good luck with your decision.x

I haven't RTFT so this may have been said but I'd love to spend a 2 hour car journey with DH and we would chat shit and laugh - but, the difference is we have kids and so most of our time spent together is spent with them. It's not a fair comparison.
I say marry him. But talking to someone sounds like a good idea