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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
Immigrantsong · 26/08/2018 19:03

No you don't owe her anything.

Aprilshowersinaugust · 26/08/2018 19:04

Send her the receipts of all you spent on the car..
Fuel costs for her errands..
Assure her you owe her naff all.

goodgirls · 26/08/2018 19:05

Technically no but really I think yes. If someone gave me a car and I sold it I would feel like I should at least offer them what I got for it. Profiteering from their spending seems off.

You're not wrong, but for me youre not in the right.

steppedonlego · 26/08/2018 19:05

Ask her outright if she wants the money from the car. If she says yes, give a sad face, explain you completely understand but does she mind waiting for it as you’ll have to sell current car to get it back to her Grin

WittyFuck · 26/08/2018 19:06

Was it your car to sell though? I am surprised that you sold it with no reference to MIL. You need to clear the air as I think MIL has a fair case until you itemise the costs involved.

StressedToTheMaxx · 26/08/2018 19:09

YANBU.
The car was pretty much kept solely for mil to use as a taxi. She bought and paid for what she got.
If she will still be drove around etc them it's not really an issue. She still has her service if you like.

LightDrizzle · 26/08/2018 19:09

If the circumstances are as you describe, no I don’t think you owe her the money. It was a gift.

I suspect she doesn’t really want the money either, it is just a displacement outlet for her disgruntlement over losing her lifts, that she doesn’t feel she can reasonably express.
Ignore, be nice, and it will surely pass.

SantaClauseMightWork · 26/08/2018 19:11

Did she make it clear it was a gift originally? When it was bought. If yes, remind her that you assumed it was a gift.

NotTakenUsername · 26/08/2018 19:11

Did she give you the car? It was in your name? Then it was yours to do as you pleased.

Did she buy a car in her name for your use? Take responsibility for maintenance? Then it is her property and she is owed the money from the sale of the car.

Sounds like you fall in the first bracket. A gift is given, not loaned.

MissVanjie · 26/08/2018 19:11

No, you don’t owe her this money

She insisted upon giving a gift. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to dispose of as they wish. The fact that it was a gift which indirectly benefited her just strengthens your case.

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/08/2018 19:11

Yes, I'd have offered her the money. You had the benefit of the car and it seems only right that you should have paid the upkeep of it as you had the main benefit of it. It sounds a bit more than a 'run around' if the sale of it two years later was enough to kick start another project I'm guessing it's a form of transport that is a form of holiday as well

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:13

Thanks. These are the kind of answers I’ve given myself. Yes, it does feel wrong to sell the car but why? Yes it was ours to sell as it was never a loan and DHs name on the log book. He honestly caved into having the car as she really pushed ( sending him links to cars for sale on FB etc). And yes, we told her we were selling the car but not to worry as DH would continue to drive her to wherever.
If we give her the money we will be very short on funds for a few months but if we don’t I am left feeling like a CF when really don’t you think she’s the cheeky one? Really don’t know what to do. But I hate the thought we are being talked about and no one is putting our point of view across.

OP posts:
doodlethepoodle · 26/08/2018 19:13

Agree with pp- You should offer to give her the money. With any luck she will be embarrassed and say no but then at least the elephant in the room is removed.
If she says yes, offer to pay it back in instalments as you really can't afford it in one lump due to putting the money towards x,y,z.

TubeTop · 26/08/2018 19:13

Technically no but really I think yes. If someone gave me a car and I sold it I would feel like I should at least offer them what I got for it. Profiteering from their spending seems off.

^^this

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/08/2018 19:14

Tricky one

YANBU but I think in your shoes I would have discussed it with her when you were selling it and explained what you wanted to spend the money on to gauge her feelings.

Lucked · 26/08/2018 19:16

How much did you get when you sold it?

Need to know this to put into context MOT, tax and petrol costs.

TheClitterati · 26/08/2018 19:17

Either it was her car, she pays o run it, she gets proceeds of sale.

Of it was a gift to your DH, you covered the costs, and keep proceeds when it's sold.

Or perhaps she thought it was jointly owned - split costs, split the proceeds?

sunshinesupermum · 26/08/2018 19:17

I agree with PP that offer to pay it back in instalments if she insists BUT do show her receipts for all the costs you incurred first. If it was a gift then you shouldn't feel obliged to pay her but maybe she did consider it a loan?

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:17

The car did not kick start the project in any way shape or form. That was from saving hard and working hard and curtting back on every non essential cost I could think of ( bye bye council gym membership) In the end we went for it early for the reasons I said. The car was bought for 500 pounds and sold for 400 if that helps with perspective.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:19

Sassitude. No flies on you. Grin

OP posts:
mysteryfairy · 26/08/2018 19:19

I don’t think I’d be impressed to buy one of my DC a car in these circumstances and have them sell it. If you no longer wanted the expense of a second car you should have given it back. You’ve said your DH used it for commuting in wet weather so he has benefitted from it - it was not just there to transport her.

category12 · 26/08/2018 19:20

I don't think you should keep the money. She bought him a car to run her around in, feels like it's her car to me.

shakeyourcaboose · 26/08/2018 19:20

What attributed to greater mileage? Your use or mil chaffeuring?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/08/2018 19:21

Personally I would have told her beforehand the intention to sell it just out of courtesy.

givemesteel · 26/08/2018 19:21

Hmm, I'm not so sure it's so clear cut and I think that others will think you are CFs as they won't know the context.

In hindsight obviously your dh should have cleared it with her that this was a gift rather than a long term car loan.

Think this will fester so your dh needs to talk to her otherwise you may have years of hints and resentment.

If she expects the money for the car left I would add up the cost of petrol, tax, mot, service etc and then either agree to give the rest back or keep it in return for continuing help with lifts etc as you still have to pay to run a car but she's benefiting from it.

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