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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
PurpleTigerLove · 26/08/2018 20:04

I think you were wrong to sell the car without mentioning it to her . If your husband didn’t want to tax and insure it he should given the car back to her.

shoofly · 26/08/2018 20:04

Asking her *what do you think is a fair split of the money? You put in the initial 500, we've put in 1000 in servicing, tax etc. DH and you have roughly had 50 / 50 use of it. We've paid for all petrol.

How do you think the 400 should be split fairly?

An honest, non-confrontational conversation would be helpful I think. If you can do it in a way which doesn't show your CF opinion of her*

I actually think that eddielizzard post is perfect. She thinks that her investment has been traded up and hasn't taken the real running costs into account. Pointing out the reality of the situation and asking what she actually thinks should happen seems like a good way forward.

birdonawire1 · 26/08/2018 20:09

You are both being very unreasonable. Yes MIL gave it as a gift and legally you owe her nothing, but morally you should give her something. Ok she had taxi rides, but she paid upfront for those with the price of the car. Your dh has also used it if it’s been raining and you’ve all benefited as he has not needed the main car as he had the run around.

I think it’s just rude to sell it without saying. She probably would have been happy for you to keep the money if you had said something g first.

Unicornandbows · 26/08/2018 20:09

I would feel bad for keeping the money, I see where you are coming from but still doesn't stop me from feeling bad about it.

zzzzz · 26/08/2018 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 26/08/2018 20:10

It cost £1000 to keep that car on the road, in 2 years?

You owe her nothing.

Lookingforadvice123 · 26/08/2018 20:11

Yes actually, what eddielizard has suggested is the fairest way.

POPholditdown · 26/08/2018 20:11

birdonawire1 they did tell her they were selling it. It’s in the second update.

FesteringCarbuncle · 26/08/2018 20:12

Of course you don't owe her the money
She could have bought and owned the car for your Help to run her around in. Then she would have been responsible for the running costs including insurance and road tax
As you paid those it was your car. If she wants the cash from the sale she should stump up the running costs

secretselkie · 26/08/2018 20:14

I would give the £400... and tell her it will be really handy to know that she can use it for buses/taxis and your DH won’t have to run her around anymore

supersop60 · 26/08/2018 20:14

It was a gift (with expensive strings attached).
If she hadn't bought the car, you would have an extra £1000, by your calculations, to save towards your project.
Maybe you could offer to split the £400, and pay her back in instalments.

bookwormnerd · 26/08/2018 20:15

I would give her the £400 to stop the earache and learn the lesson that never take money from her again as comes with strings and to never be pushed in to financial decision, if you dont pay it back your liable to be talked about to the rest of family and bad mouthed. Just take her on less trips out to save on petrol (only half joking, I would be tempted)

bookwormnerd · 26/08/2018 20:16

I would also offer as others said to do it in installments

FlipnTwist · 26/08/2018 20:18

Ne4vertheless your dh did accept the car and he did use it for commuting (you say it suited both parties so he must have got some benefit from it) you should certainly at the very least have discussed this fully with mil and sorry but I think you do owe her the money.

TacoFriday · 26/08/2018 20:19

Why is it so difficult to tell her the reason you didn’t give her any money from the sale was that the car cost you more in repairs and maintenance in the last 2 years and you lost money on it, despite it being a “gift” and only used it to get her around? Spell it out.

HeckyPeck · 26/08/2018 20:19

You’ve been lucky she was generous.

Lucky to have to spend £1000 maintaining a car neither of them wanted or needed? 😂

runbeerrunbeer · 26/08/2018 20:20

I disagree completely with the 'you owe her nothing' brigade. Just because someone gives you 500 to start up a business that you then go on to spend 3 grand on to make viable it doesn't mean the 500 is insignificant. It was an outlay you did not provide. You could have made a million from that 500 quid. Regardless of what you spent on top, at your own choosing to make it viable, the 500 outlay was not yours to sell on; unless this was agreed!

The elephant in the room is because you have not properly discussed what you all expected from the 500 outlay. The fact you sold up within a week says more about you than MIL. sorry op but this all sounds rather Childish and selfish. Did you ever discuss what would happen to the car when it became surplus to requirements?

For whatever reason you agreed to take the 500 quid car. Now's the time to recognise that given this then became surplus to requirements, you should have given it back to MIL - or at least offered it her back, or agreed how much of the outlay she would get back?!

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 20:23

Just to reiterate, we bought the van in the space of a week of deciding to it arriving on drive. A bit of a luxury to be able to make that kind of a decision but belive me we had our reasons and have made our sacrifices . We still had the car at that point and after collecting Mil and Fil from the airport and “surprising” them it’s the van we told Mil we would be selling the car but not to worry. All lifts would be covered as usual. My DH was extremely careful about reassuring his mum as he wouldn’t like the thought of her being upset.
The camper is fairly new and reliable so it’s goibg to be used as the second vehicle when DH doesn’t want to use his bike. Mild been in it a few times and can get in and out no problem at all. My commute to work is long and the miles on my car are racking up so if Mil prefers not to get in the van then I’ll take it to work and he can have my car for the day. I really thought we had covered ourselves but reading these replies back maybe not. 400 pounds is a lot of money to us, but if paying it back clears me of any CF’ry then ok. Lesson learned.

OP posts:
HeckyPeck · 26/08/2018 20:23

you should have given it back to MIL - or at least offered it her back, or agreed how much of the outlay she would get back?!

I might agree with this if MIL had offered to pay towards petrol/running costs, but she hasn’t.

If you do offer and she accepts I’d be asking for future petrol/running costs for when your DH is running MIL around in your car OP. (Which I note she hasn’t offered to do and never did when DH was running her around prior to her buying the car.) she can’t have it both ways.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 20:24

Typos Blush sorry.

OP posts:
category12 · 26/08/2018 20:26

Lucky to have to spend £1000 maintaining a car neither of them wanted or needed?

Except the dh used it about 50/50 for MIL and his own purposes. So he got plenty of use out of it for the running costs.

HeckyPeck · 26/08/2018 20:26

My commute to work is long and the miles on my car are racking up so if Mil prefers not to get in the van then I’ll take it to work and he can have my car for the day.
You’re going out of your way adding mileage/wear and tear to a new vehicle for MIL and she’s never offered petrol/upkeep money. You really don’t need to pay her the £400 when she’s obviously cost you far more than that and will continue to do so.

If anything she’s the CF for not offering you petrol money!

HeckyPeck · 26/08/2018 20:28

Except the dh used it about 50/50 for MIL and his own purposes. So he got plenty of use out of it for the running costs.

Yes, but 50:50 would be £500 each for running costs & that doesn’t include petrol from before she bought the car or for the petrol for the foreseeable future. They’ve easily have spent far more on helping MIL out that she did with the £400 on the car.

Sisterlove · 26/08/2018 20:31

When you're given something. ..it's yours to do what you want with it.

If it was sold very soon after. ..like a month later I can see why she'd be upset..because it means she wouldn't get the lifts.

2 years later and all the expenses. ..which were effectively forced on you...no I don't think she's owed anything.

You sold the original car as you didn't need it ...what your DH should have done. .is insist he doesn't want the gift of a car ...but if his DM wanted a car for him to drive her around. ..she could buy one for herself/ in her name and pay all the associated costs .. but that he would drive her around when he was able to.

MsHomeSlice · 26/08/2018 20:31

I think you just need to be ready with your figures, if anyone tuts at you pocketing the £400 you can just point out that after x for MOT and y for insurances, z for fuel you really are not living the high life on the proceeds of MIL's largesse.

She needs to work on FIL if she wants lifts everywhere....she has a bit of a cheek relying so heavily on dh tbh.