Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
AppleKatie · 26/08/2018 19:21

I felt like saying YABU, give her the money!

Then i realised years ago I did almost exactly this. A very kind (wealthy!) friend gifted me an old banger when I passed my test and after a year or so i part exchanged it for my next car (without giving her any cash). Tbh I didn’t offer but I know she wouldn’t have taken the money if I had done...

So what am I saying? Erm, I think she’s BU to make an issue of it, you (and I!) are probably BU for not offering it back and I think the pp idea of offering to pay to back at this point is probably the most sensible. (But fingers crossed she turns down your offer!)

shaggedthruahedgebackwards · 26/08/2018 19:21

Agree with Lucked that the value of the car is relevant

Some people's idea of a 'runaround' is a 1K banger, for other people it's a 10K Golf

If it's the former then YADNBU

If it was nearer the latter then you could be stumbling into CF territory

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/08/2018 19:22

I think your DH should bring it out into the open. I think he should explain that, while she might have put up the initial cost, you all had to pay for everything else and since you only got £100 less for it than she paid, then in reality you don't have the money spare to give her any.
There's no point in leaving it to fester if you think they're talking about it behind your backs - just bring it all out.

justpondering0 · 26/08/2018 19:22

YANBU you don't owe her a penny.
A couple of years ago my sister bought me a tablet. It came to the time where I wanted to upgrade it so sold the original to put the money towards a better one. Did my sister ever expect the money back? No because a gift is given not loaned.

givemesteel · 26/08/2018 19:23

Just seen that you sold the car for 400 quid

I was just give her the 400 quid, it's not worth arguing over, but if I was your dh I'd be Alot less available for the lifts etc.

Singlenotsingle · 26/08/2018 19:24

Why don't you just discuss it with her? Say as far as you were aware, she bought it as a present for DH so you've sold it now especially as you don't want the burden of tax and insurance any more, and it's not needed. You have a particular project in mind for the money. She can continue to have lifts, but in your car. If she needs the money, you will scrape it together for her.

It probably just needs the discussion, then she can make a generous gesture.

redshoeblueshoe · 26/08/2018 19:24

I'm with you OP. DH didn't want the car.
DM wanted a taxi service.
2 years of taxi's £500.
She got a bargain

BeautifulPossibilities · 26/08/2018 19:24

She wanted someone to run her around but didn't think of the costs you were incurring running a vehicle and the imposition.

I don't think you owe her especially at those figures.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:24

Profiteering? Ouch. The car was costing us monthly direct debits we were trying to avoid and has cost us mote than it cost Mil. But these are the kind of comments I think she is making to Fil. For the sake of 400 pounds maybe I should give her the money. That one post alone has made me go bright red Blush

OP posts:
fanomoninon · 26/08/2018 19:24

Hummm, if someone gave me something as big as a car, I don't think I'd expect to sell it and keep the money without having discussed it - even if you didn't actually want it, you accepted what was presumably a pretty large gift. And whilst you may not have felt it massively improved your life/can se the costs of running it - she will have felt that you've had years of 'free' car usage due to her generosity. Then profited from the gift without offering her any money back.
If giving her the whole amount isn't possible, I think at the very least a nice gift and a thank you card is appropriate. And next time, stick to your guns and if you don't want a generous gift, say no!

Berthatydfil · 26/08/2018 19:24

What did it cost you to keep it on the road? Tax insurance Mot servicing etc ?
Did she contribute to any of that ?
Did she pay towards petrol ?
These costs wouldn’t have been incurred if you hadn’t had the car .

If she didn’t then tot up how much you spent take off a small percentage related to your dh usage.

CSIblonde · 26/08/2018 19:25

If it's gifted and he's on the log book I don't think you owe her £. Having said that I think large items or large amounts of £ from family always come with strings so I'd be extra careful to establish if it is in fact a gift & expectations(strings) that may be attached.

AJPTaylor · 26/08/2018 19:25

How much did she pay for it. How much did you sell it for?

poppingalf · 26/08/2018 19:25

I would have paid it back, you did pay the running costs but I would have looked at is I would a leased car tbh! I'm not surprised she's a bit miffed!

Nanna50 · 26/08/2018 19:26

For £400 I would offer the money, if you have enough to kick start a project early I doubt £400 was the deciding factor. And it’s certainly not enough to create an atmosphere over.

Could the real reason for the atmosphere be that your MIL felt she had a certain ‘right’ to transport and your DH has to make her a priority when she paid for the car and now feels that she is back to being reliant on your car. If that makes any sense.

justpondering0 · 26/08/2018 19:26

You have paid two years of petrol, mots, tax, insurance, things that go wrong, tyres. You have absolutely spent more than £500 and do not owe her a penny! Her personal taxi service has cost you an absolute fortune at her benefit. I think she would be a CF to ask for the money and the people saying you owe her are complete lunatics.

Roussette · 26/08/2018 19:26

I do think you should be giving her the money back. She paid for it and as you say so yourself it was used for DH's commute sometimes too.

It all depends on whether you offered to pay her back or just literaly told her you were selling it and kept the money. If the latter, I think YABU.

PrincessConsuelaBannanaHammock · 26/08/2018 19:26

Technically no you don't owe her the money. However I would have told her you were selling it before doing so and offering her the car back or the money first. I would be worried I'd look like a cf if I didn't 🙈 but I do tend to over think things

THEsonofaBITCH · 26/08/2018 19:27

It was a gift from her to DH and unless there were strings attached at purchase (such as it goes to me if you decide to get rid of it) then yours to do with as you choose and no guilt. If she says anything I would say - "Oh, I thought it was a gift."

fanomoninon · 26/08/2018 19:27

Sorry OP - I wrote my post before you posted - sorry to use the proft word! I think the problem here is that from YOUR point of view, the car was not something you needed, was a drain on your money, and was for your MIL's advantage. BUT from her point of view, it helped you out, was a massively generous thing for her to do - and I bet her 'use' of the car hardly figures in her calculations! So I can see your different start points means you have very different take outs on this one.

auntethel · 26/08/2018 19:27

Lucked noseyGrin OP, what about half the money each?

poppingalf · 26/08/2018 19:27

Also you didn't have to accept the car, so it clearly had some benefit to you, even if it was that dh was happy to ferry her around. If not you would surely have just said no!

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:29

I’ve been asked by DH not to discuss it with her. He feels as awkward about the whole situation as I do. It was mostly my money that enable the purchase of the new --camper van project early . Not sure if that has any baring.

OP posts:
1CantPickAName · 26/08/2018 19:29

It was your dh’s car in his name. So no, you don’t owe her the money.

But...she can see that you have sold ‘her’ car and used ‘her’ money to fund something for you (your family).

Surely the car depreciated in value. Is she aware of this? I would say “DMIL, the car cost £xxx, we sold it for £xxx, however the cost to us in the upkeep was £xxx. If you would like the money we got when we sold the car then we can make arrangements to pay you in instalments as you know we have spent the money on xyz”.

You have to say something.

Stillme1 · 26/08/2018 19:29

I think that you should have discussed the proposed sale of the car MIL bought with her before advertising it for sale. When the car was sold you should have offered the money to MIL. She may not have taken the money or may have said half each.
By not doing any of the above you have created bad feeling, Within a family setting it is not good to have strife.
If anything should happen like the washing machine broke down at a bad financial moment I doubt if MIL would be willing to lend you the cash to buy a new one immediately.
I would have offered the money back but we are all different