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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
OlennasWimple · 26/08/2018 19:38

Ah - I see the issue

You've used the money from selling Car A to buy Car B

So MIL feels that you have taken her money and used it towards a trade up (but also bought something that isn't as convenient for her taxi rides)

Legally and morally the car was a gift so yo don't owe her anything. I wouldn't like an otherwise good relationship to fester over £400 though. DH needs to clear the air somehow (offering to pay back the money?) sooner rather than later, before this becomes something bigger than it is

ThatFridayFeeling · 26/08/2018 19:38

I think you or dh should say something but I don't necessarily agree you owe her the money - mainly cos it's only £400! But you don't want this to fester. I can see both sides tbh so maybe a clearing of the air is all that's needed. She may not be taking into account how much the car has cost to run (which she has clearly benefitted from)

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 26/08/2018 19:39

Aaagh, should read like & no strings attached. fat fingers.

1CantPickAName · 26/08/2018 19:41

I posted before I realised it was £400. Not really such a lot of money to fall out about. Someone just needs to be honest and say sorry, that on reflection maybe you should have offered her the money.

OP, all of your posts here have been reasonable. I’m sure your MIL would understand

Lookingforadvice123 · 26/08/2018 19:41

Hmm tricky one but I think selling it without offering her at least some of the profits is off, especially as it was clearly quite a lot of money if it went towards a project (it's not going to be a few hundred is it). Did the cost of MOTs etc really come to more than what you sold it for?

I probably would've just put my foot down and not let her buy it as a gift to begin with though.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 26/08/2018 19:42

Tricky. It wasn’t really an outright gift, more like a permanent loan.

It’s an odd analogy but I’m thinking of an item loaned to a museum, where the museum is responsible for the care and maintenance of the item as long as it is in its care, but the item still belongs to the owner who can have it back at any time.

The complication here is that you only ever had the car for her benefit.

You should probably offer to give her the money you made from the sale, but your DH needs to point out that due to the maintenance costs he wouldn’t want to enter into such an arrangement again. With luck she will take the hint and let you keep the money.

Lookingforadvice123 · 26/08/2018 19:44

Sorry seen your update, you got £400 for the car. In that case, was it really a big contribution to your project? I still think you should've at least discussed it with MIL, but it doesn't seem as "cheeky" given the low amount you sold it for.

I would probably just offer her the money, less the cost of MOTs and services (fuel you can't include as your DH also used it for work etc) so you know you've 110% done the right thing.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:45

I’ve done the rough maths. Car cost 500 pounds. Not including petrol ( churlish) it has cost us just over 1000 pounds to keep it on the road. Mil use / DH use probably 50/50 give or take.

OP posts:
ManorGreyhound · 26/08/2018 19:46

Honestly, I do think you owe her the money.

There's right on both sides, but I think weighing it up, you should at least offer it to her.

buttfacedmiscreant · 26/08/2018 19:47

Tell her "I'm feeling that you feel that you should have the money from the car. We thought it was a gift and was given to DH, not loaned. You obviously feel differently. That I guess is fair enough, if you also pay for the petrol that DH used when taking you places. We feel that the two balanced each other out, we could try and figure that out if you want."

Lookingforadvice123 · 26/08/2018 19:49

Oh that's really tough. Reading the thread more and more I actually think if anything she owes you for the extra cost Grin but I guess she took it for granted that you didn't mind that when you accepted the "gift". I would maybe explain to her the reason you didn't offer her the money is because of the cost of running it, which actually amounted to much more than your profit. It's the truth after all, and will hopefully make her feel a bit "awkward", enough to stop mentioning it to people anyway.

Lesson for your DH though, don't let her bully him into that kind of thing again.

llangennith · 26/08/2018 19:49

DH really must talk to her about it and see what she says. If he explains the whole situation she might be mollified and let it go. She probably feels she's been taken advantage of but feels as awkward as you do.
It's a quandary!

fluffypudcats · 26/08/2018 19:49

If she didn't specify it was a loan, if your name was on the reg. document, if she paid nothing towards upkeep and didn't pay all petrol money, it's yours with which to do as you like.

You could always take her a bunch of flowers and some handmade cards from your DC thanking her for giving them / you the chance to do this life altering adventure… Grin

TomHardysNextWife · 26/08/2018 19:52

There is never such a thing as a free gift.

She purchased the car, by rights it was her money from the sale of it.

And I'd suggest not accepting another "gift" from her as they obviously come with strings attached.

For the sake of family harmony, give her the money.

eddielizzard · 26/08/2018 19:53

Well I'd say MIL, what do you think is a fair split of the money? You put in the initial 500, we've put in 1000 in servicing, tax etc. DH and you have roughly had 50 / 50 use of it. We've paid for all petrol.

How do you think the 400 should be split fairly?

An honest, non-confrontational conversation would be helpful I think. If you can do it in a way which doesn't show your CF opinion of her...

SassitudeandSparkle · 26/08/2018 19:53

Grin I was trying not to mention the CV name Grin But what you said is very familiar from others who have bought them (while children are young, stretched so expensive adventure)

I do think the longer you leave it with MIL the worse it's going to be. I wouldn't say you've spent twice as much as her on it, that looks like she was being charged for a service she didn't know she was paying for at the time. I would push your DH to sort it out.

Golde · 26/08/2018 19:54

I think the right thing to do would be to offer, and I think the right thing for her to do is refuse.

BibiThree · 26/08/2018 19:55

She virtually forced a financial burden on you (2 years running costs you didn't want or need) for her own benefit. I think you're even.

Bluetrews25 · 26/08/2018 19:56

You need to do a balance sheet
Cost of car £500
Cash received from sale £400

And on the other side of the page
Cost of MOT1
Cost of MOT2
Cost of insurance year 1
Cost of insurance year 2
Cost of repairs year 1
Cost of repairs year 2
Approx petrol cost year 1
Approx petrol cost year 2

So MIL's contribution 'balance' will be +£400
And your contribution cost balance will be -£thousands?

Then ask her if she would like half of the sale profit, she can deduct it from her payment to you of 50% of the running cost for a vehicle that you neither wanted nor needed.
Do the maths. She really owes you, frankly! But I appreciate you would not actually request or insist on payment.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:58

Fluffy. That’s a great passive way to bring up the elephant in the room. I might try it. My advice to my DH is as some have posted, to bring up the costs and why we have not offered Mil the money but to date he’s asked me not to do this. I’ll try again as sitting here thinking I’m being thought of as. CF by family members is not great.

OP posts:
MsAdorabelleDearheartVonLipwig · 26/08/2018 19:59

Jesus Christ. How the hell do you owe her any money? You didn’t want the bloody thing in the first place, you’ve paid out twice what it cost to maintain it and she’s had a personal taxi service at her beck and call. How much would taxis at random times have cost her over the last few years? A lot more than £500! She’s taking the piss and you need to tell her that so she doesn’t expect to walk all over you in future.

SynchroSwimmer · 26/08/2018 20:00

I would definitely offer the proceeds of the sale back to MIL - and anticipate that she would decline the offer.

If she did want the money, then mention the overhead costs etc and the paying by installment thing.

At least then it’s been addressed, out in the open, and any resentment on both your sides is removed and you can all move forward in peace.

We were given 2 items of value (similar amount to yours), in both cases I offered them back to the donor once they were no longer needed, and I was happy that the donor was able to make the decision herself whether or not she wanted them (she didn't, but appreciated that she had been given the option)

X

Furrydogmum · 26/08/2018 20:00

What Bluetrews said 👍

Oldaintallthat · 26/08/2018 20:03

Technically no, but I think for the sake of your relationship you need to offer, at least.

CherryPavlova · 26/08/2018 20:04

Yes you owe her the money. She paid for the car but you paid for day to day useage. Any money from the sale of the car should go back to her. You’ve been lucky she was generous.