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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 26/08/2018 19:29

Urgh I think I would keep mentioning how much you are saving per month now you don't have a 2nd car that you never needed in the first place...

It cost us x in tyres and repairs and the insurance just for running you around MIL...

I think MIL is ignorant about the running costs of a car and is completely clueless that DH running her about has been costing you guys £££££ each year!

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 19:30

I think you were a bit cheeky tbh. Although it depends what the project is. If I though my sin had sold a car I bought him to put a new kitchen in that would be one thing, but I’d be really pissed off if he blew it on a weekend away.

Berthatydfil · 26/08/2018 19:30

I would tell her - the car cost us £x over the years, it was money we spent for your benefit and wouldn’t have spent it if you weren’t keeping the car for her benefit.
So you are taking the £400 as a contribution to that.

errorofjudgement · 26/08/2018 19:30

As the car only cost £500 I imagine you’ve had to pay for a few repairs and replacement parts over the period, so I would I present it more as the £400 you got for the car has been used to top up the savings you previously spent on running costs.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 19:30

*son

😂😂(Sorry son)

JessicaJonesJacket · 26/08/2018 19:31

It sounds as though MIL bought the car for her use but your DH had the benefit of it when he wasn't driving MIL around.
All of that means MIL should have been given the car back or been given the money when it was sold. It wasn't your car to sell or to keep the money from.

supadupapupascupa · 26/08/2018 19:32

My first thought was of course you do! But.....
You all benefitted from it say 50/50. At least part of the cost was for her own use so she shouldn’t expect that back. Plus as such she should contribute to the running costs on the basis that you never needed it in the first place and have been forced to pay out. So what I would do is add up what you s spent on it including a fair price for fuel. Split that 50/50. You owe her the purchase price, she owes you that share of costs. Where does that leave you. I would be tempted to bring it up first with the opening line “we have looked at the costs of the car and calculated what we owe you and it is ........”

Maelstrop · 26/08/2018 19:32

Add up how many times she’s been driven round in it, send her the bill equivalent to the taxi fare!

user1493413286 · 26/08/2018 19:32

I kind of think you do or should have at least discussed it with her

Justkeeprollingalong · 26/08/2018 19:32

So many problems/quarrels are caused by not talking about things! Just have a grown up, sensible conversation along the lines of 'we've sold the car. We know you paid £500 for it, we've spend £ xxx on it over the 2 years we've had it, we got £400 for it. What should we do with the money?'
How hard is that? You've already said you get on fine with her.

Catinthecorner · 26/08/2018 19:33

Offer her the £400 minus the running costs.

That way you feel magnanimous AND get extra funding for the new project.

Justkeeprollingalong · 26/08/2018 19:33

Sorry, cross post with above

supadupapupascupa · 26/08/2018 19:33

But be clear that you didn’t need it but felt obliged to accept it and it’s therefore cost you money you didn’t really want or need to spend

POPholditdown · 26/08/2018 19:33

If I was your MIL I wouldn’t expect the money for it. After all, she may have bought it for your DH, but she bought it for her own use, with your DH in mind as chauffeur.

Do you think she really expects it, or is she one of those people that likes to remind everyone around her of her good deeds?

I ask, as my nan is like this. She means no ill will, but if she does anyone a favour that no one asks for, or that she keeps insisting to do, she then makes veiled comments how those things couldn’t have happened without her. When my grandad passed away, she asked me and OH to move in for a while whilst she got through things, so she wasn’t alone (we were renting at the time so moved out and continued to pay the rest of the tenancy). Some time after, she actually said to me ‘where would you be if I hadn’t have taken you in’!

Next time she makes a comment, I’d just ask if she’s expecting the money.

FlapAttack23 · 26/08/2018 19:33

Id have sold it the day I received it .. now that would be yabu 😂😂

quizqueen · 26/08/2018 19:33

If MIL had covered all the running costs as well then the money should be hers but she didn't. A car bought for £500 owes no one anything.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:34

Yes, we told her we were selling it. But everything happened so fast. We literally woke up after a life changing event and said bollocks , get the van now. A week later it was on the drive .... the day after DH drove a 300 mile round trip to collect his parents from an airport ( in my car obviously) . But these answers really do reflect what’s going on in my head.

OP posts:
FASH84 · 26/08/2018 19:34

For that amount of money YANBU you were happy to have one car, she insisted on buying the other so DH would run her around, she's had that benefit for two years and it's cost way more than £400 in that time to tax , insure, MOT, and keep on the road. As PPs have said if it was a much more expensive car it'd be more complicated

Pythonesque · 26/08/2018 19:35

Hmm. I think you are perfectly reasonable. We were gifted my cousin's car when he emigrated not long after we moved to the UK; they knew it was unlikely to pass its next MOT, and it enabled us to help clear their house (they passed on our granny's old table and other odds and ends); my sister and I shared it between us for a few months then part exchanged it for not very much when we both bought cars.

By comparison, we currently look after my mother's car and have the use of it as a second car (she lives overseas). We pay the insurance, and our petrol costs, she pays the MOT and service costs - and the condition is that she has use of it when she is in the country. It is very clear that when she moves back - which we all hope will be some time next year, the car returns to her keeping. A very different situation from what you describe.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:36

No. If we offer her the money she will take it without hesitation. Partly why we haven’t offered as its already gone ( on insuring the van) .

OP posts:
Missingstreetlife · 26/08/2018 19:37

This is what they mean about gift horses and their mouths, free lunches etc. She bullied you into accepting a gift you couldn't afford/didn't want to pay upkeep,,never paid petrol,or running expense, can afford it. You don't owe her

2littleguineas · 26/08/2018 19:37

But your mil is still going to get driven around by your dh in your old car. So it's almost like you've traded up the car she bought and at no extra cost to her. You've invested the funds from her car into the camper van and passed on family car to your husband.
If family car is a better car I'd be tempted to drop in hints about her free upgrade!

I'm curious though are you now going to use the camper van to drive to work and do school runs?

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 19:38

You should have talked to her then, before you used the money to insure the van.

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 26/08/2018 19:38

Firstly, the car was a gift. When you gift someone something it is theirs to do what they life with it. Secondly the gift was given with strings attached, i.e. your DH was to be her chauffeur. Thirdly, despite you not wanting a car to save money, you still incurred the costs of insuring, running and repairing the car, which meant you were out of pocket compared to your original plan of only running one car. So for two years you incurred costs simply to ensure your MIL had a taxi service. You most definitely do not owe your MIL anything at all. Do Not give her the money from the car as you will effectively be taking a financial hit from providing a free taxi service for two years.

codswallopandbalderdash · 26/08/2018 19:38

I think you need to talk about it.

I would say something like: 'I wish I'd had the opportunity to speak about the car before we sold it, but we got an offer and didn't want to miss out. We're happy to split what we got for it, so £200 each but I imagine you also want to give us some money towards what we've spent towards the upkeep over the last year' and do a sum ...

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