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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do we owe Mil this money

382 replies

Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 19:01

This is not a Mil bashing thread as we get along fine, any difficulties in our relationship I am sure are mutual 😂.

Two years ago we decided to give up one of our cars. It was the one on finance and was hardly being used ( less than 4000 miles a year) DHs commute is quite short and very doable on his bike.
I need the main car for work and the children so it did mean he would be without a car most days but as we live in a town it was fine.
Mil didn’t like the idea at all. She likes to rely on DH for days out and some weekly errands. These are not essential needs as Fil has a car ( but works), she is not elderly or infirm and like us she lives on a really good bus route into the town centre. However, DH has a reasonable amount of time on his hands and doesn’t mind these requests for transport. He loves his Mum and is happy to help. They frequently go shopping together or have the odd lunch out.
So, seeing this potential “life line” about to be cut off Mil wanted to buy DH a car. She said it was because she worried about him commuting on his bike but we all knew the real reason (his brother has commuted on a bike for years and there was never any offer to buy him a car iyswim).
We declined the offer at first but she persisted and so DH found a little run around on line and Mil bought it for him. For the last two years it’s been used to take Mil on her trips and for DHs commute in wet weather and pretty much nothing else. Everyone happy as it seemed to be an arrangement that suited both sides.
Another recent change of circumstances means we really do not need this car anymore. ( to say what it is will be outing). DH can have my car to run Mil around anytime she likes so we have sold the car she bought and put the money towards a project we have been taking about for years. We have stretched ourselves a bit but honestly we just had a “life is too short / kids soon going to be too grown up to enjoy this new adventure with us. So we went for it a few years early than planned.
In the time we had the “run around” we taxed/insured/mot’d/serviced/changed tyres and fix a few niggles. All of which cost more than the original purchase price but hey ho.
Now the car has gone it’s becoming obvious Mil feels she should be given the money we received for it. It’s like the elephant in the room ever since we sold it. Comments have been made but no direct request for the actual money but it’s making me feel very uncomfortable.
I’ve suggested that DH just brings up the costs involved in running a car for two years that Mil has benefitted from. He says just leave it unless a direct request for the money is made. In the mean time I just hate the feeling this is being discussed with wider family members and we are being made out to look like CF’s.

So are we being unreasonable not giving this money to Mil. She’s had two years of free transport more or less on demand and will continue to do so for foreseeable future.
Final note, Mil is financially comfortable and not reliant on this money.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 20:34

Thanks Heckypeck. Smile

OP posts:
iamyourequal · 26/08/2018 20:34

I think you should explain all the car related costs you have burdened over the past two years and that should make her see it’s fair for you to keep the money. If your representation here has been true, ie. you have a good DH who will continue to give DM lifts; they are pretty well off; you are not; you are using van for fulfilling, fun and life enhancing trips for your family. If this is all true she should be happy for you and not take any money for the car.

BifsWif · 26/08/2018 20:34

It really doesn’t matter what MNetters think, your MIL is obviously annoyed that you sold the car she bought for you and you’ve spent the money without speaking to her about it.

You or your DH need to have a conversation with her before this becomes a huge issue.

Personally, I’d have offered the money back before spending it on something else but that’s just me.

MachineBee · 26/08/2018 20:36

I would give her the money back, but future lifts will require her to pay petrol money and parking charges, at the very least.

Inertia · 26/08/2018 20:44

I'd have the conversation detailed by EddieLizzard and BlueTrews.

Total costs including initial outlay, MOT and insurance costs, vehicle excise duty, petrol costs over the 2 year period with an estimate of the percentage used by DH/ on MIL's errands, all repairs and maintenance. Show MIL this breakdown.

Work out what percentage of the costs MIL paid out, and what percentage you paid out, and ask her what she thinks you should do with the money from the car sale.

If she says that she wants the money back, then I would probably give her the money to keep the peace. However, DH might then find that he can no longer afford the petrol to run MIL on her errands.

SummerStrong · 26/08/2018 20:49

I think you should have offered her the money when you sold it, I also think she should have graciously declined it.

Jux · 26/08/2018 20:50

Give her the figures. Just a final accounting in a sort of professional way, do not even mention the camper van or the money and why you're not offering her the dosh or anything.

Draw up a list of costs, and of use, and say something like "I thought you might need these figures for tax reasons. As you can see, in the first year.........".

boylovesmeerkats · 26/08/2018 20:51

I think you should have let her know you were selling it and offered her the money from the sale. Seems the reasonable thing to me. Or let her know the project you have in mind and say you'd like to use it for that, but cutting her out of it doesn't seem a good idea.

If family offer you a gift, it always comes with strings..it's how these things work. You don't want it to damage your relationship for the sake of £400 and she might never offer to help out again. I know she benefited but I'd not feel happy having the issue hanging around.

Original poster
Whatjusthappenedthere · 26/08/2018 20:52

The last thing DH or I want to do is withhold future lifts or ask for money. That’s just not how we work. That would really would us the baddies in all of this.

Mil was on holiday when we bought the van. We told her the car was going to be sold three weeks before we sold it. Maybe I’ve lost something in the thread but I don’t know why people think we didn’t tell Mil about selling the car.

OP posts:
upsideup · 26/08/2018 20:53

I think you should have discussed this with her before you sold it but you should offer her the money
Last year dsd decided to sell the car we had bought for her 17th because she was working away in london a lot, didnt need it and wanted the money which was fine that was her car we bought as gift to do what she likes with. When she stays with us in the middle nowhere we realised it was useful for us for her to have her own car so we dont have to give her lifts and she can occasionaly give lifts to younger siblings, we bought another one for her. I wouldnt be impressed if she sold this one, not because I would want the money from it but because she knows why we bought it for her and its not for her to just sell to make money for something else.

Reastie · 26/08/2018 20:53

I’d have told her before I sold the car and had a discussion about the money. In doing that hopefully she would see you had spent money on the upkeep you otherwise wouldn’t have spent and would have offered for you to keep the money or arranged a split with you for the sales price. She would have been less peeved and so more likely to be amienable to the money issue. She probably feels cross you’ve taken away the lifeline and haven’t discussed or consulted her first and this is potentially making her more unreasonable about it.

I know logically it’s yours you can do what you like with it but I do think it would have been polite to have mentioned it to her first.

Now it’s all done I agree with other posters’ comments about explaining upkeep and additional costs you otherwise wouldn’t have had (which I assume would exceed the sales price of the car yu got?)

Reastie · 26/08/2018 20:54

Sorry, realise you told her now. As you were.

So you told her you were selling the car. Your assumption was you’d keepmthe money here was she’d have the money.

Hertha · 26/08/2018 20:56

I don’t think you owe her a thing.

And if anything she imposed a liability on you.

BifsWif · 26/08/2018 20:57

Sorry I missed you had discussed selling the car.

Did you also discuss what you were going to do with the money? It seems she may have assumed that you would be giving it back to her.

QuickWash · 26/08/2018 20:59

I would absolutely have offered the money to her, probably expecting her to politely decline.

But I don't think I would have felt comfortable not having mentioned or offered it.

Many many years ago, we nearly lost our first house because the mortgage company changed the goal posts and required us to increase our deposit by a couple of grand and we just didn't have it as all our savings had been scraped together already. My kind and lovely df, who has never been well off, cashed in some sort of endowment or something and gave it to us. He made it clear it was a gift and that he didn't want us to think about repaying him, but every single time we've moved I've offered him his money back as it feels the right thing to do. He's always insistently turned me down as I guess I expect him to, but I don't feel I can not offer.

I think I would feel the same in your situation.

confusedmummy76 · 26/08/2018 21:11

I think you definitely should offer her the money

BabySharkDooDooDooDoo · 26/08/2018 21:11

I wouldnt think you owed her the money by any means she basically foisted a car upon you and dh that you didnt want and spennt a lot of £ maintaing.

BitOutOfPractice · 26/08/2018 21:29

I think you do, sorry. You should’ve at least discussed it with her

SleepFreeZone · 26/08/2018 21:36

To be honest I would have given her at least half of the money.

I can see why she’s a bit miffed a not only does she cease to be the generous benefactor (that also hugely benefitted her of course) but now she feels like a mug as you pretty much sold her ‘gift’.

BestZebbie · 26/08/2018 21:46

In her mind you need two cars, and you became so poor that you couldn't afford the second, so she provided it so that your (her) needs were met. You have now deliberately engineered yourself back into the situation of having an unmet need by selling the car for cash, which you have kept. She is probably thinking "How dare they! Are they going to try and con me out of another free car now?! I spent that money on a gift for my son so he could get to work and now his wife has pocketed the cash!"
I am not sure that the above actually matches reality, but I suggest you just give her the £400 back.

Gitfeatures · 26/08/2018 21:47

If MIL is still getting ferried about as and when she pleases, what difference does it make what car it's in?
The car was bought so that he could commute and she had a 'life line' - he can still commute and she still has a life line. The sale of the car has absolutely no impact on her.

amicissimma · 26/08/2018 22:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

POPholditdown · 26/08/2018 22:18

You really don’t need to pay her the £400 when she’s obviously cost you far more than that and will continue to do so.

This is also a good point. MIL had lifts (presumably for free) before this car was even in the picture. So even if the car was used 50/50 or that MIL paying for the car covers her share of petrol costs, she had as much use of their previous car paid for by OP/DH.

SandAndSea · 26/08/2018 22:34

So, she paid £500. (Bargain!)

You paid £1000 minus the £400 you sold it for = £600, not including petrol.

You used it 50:50.

Hmmm.

It sounds to me like she did quite well out of the arrangement.

I think a chat (between your dh and her) would be good to explain why you haven't offered her the money back as she might not realise how much it cost you.

Another thought - sometimes people just like to feel considered - it might be as simple as that. Maybe she saw it as half hers and would have liked more of a say?

SandyY2K · 26/08/2018 22:40

My dad bought me a car when I passed my driving test. I didn't tell him when I was selling it (to trade up) and he didn't expect me to. He was happy I was in a position to buy a new(er) car.

A gift is (according to the OED) a thing given willingly to someone without payment

So if you pay someone for a gift it's no longer a gift

I really can't
understand the logic of why pp think your MIL should have been consulted on the sale of the car ... or be paid for it.