Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

275 replies

Chocoholic26 · 25/08/2018 23:01

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

OP posts:
OutingMyDog · 25/08/2018 23:04

I wouldn't leave my children with them again after this. How could you trust them? What other risks do they take with them that you don't know about?

Ohyesiam · 25/08/2018 23:06

You are right , find new childcare

ShinyPinkLipgloss · 25/08/2018 23:08

There is clearly a lot of tension....I'd make alternative childcare arrangements ASAP!

Thesearmsofmine · 25/08/2018 23:09

Two children but only one car seat? What was the other child in? Was the trip out an urgent one off or a regular trip to the park or whatever.

RedHelenB · 25/08/2018 23:11

It is down to trust. If you don't trust then them you do need to find other childcare but I can see it from their point of view too, It's not as though they had them unrestrained in the car!

strawberrypenguin · 25/08/2018 23:11

You should have given them car seats if there was a specific one you wanted used.

Floralnomad · 25/08/2018 23:12

You need new childcare , immediately .

stillnotTheDoctor · 25/08/2018 23:13

Strawberry she tried.

OP car seats is one of the things that pisses me off. I'd be cross too.

DerekTheBrave · 25/08/2018 23:13

Two years is a long time and I imagine they thought as he’s bigger and older it would be fine.

You sound intense and picky. You sat them down for an adult conversation, you sent them a long message telling them how you feel.

I think YABU. They used a car seat not to your liking that had last been discussed two years ago, not sent him onto the motorway to play alone. Try and keep a little perspective.

Magnussen · 25/08/2018 23:13

They didn't act illegally fgs!!

I can see their point and your last text was unnecessary

KC225 · 25/08/2018 23:14

What did you think they were using for all this time? I'd have thought it would have been obvious they were using the car seat. If this such a big deal for you then you need to find alternative child care.

Again, we are back to the free lunch thing. You knew FIL was stubborn and controlling - but still chose to accept free childcare and all that goes with it.

Back to your AIBU. As your DH has dealt with this, I don't think you should mention it and I am assuming they won't make a scene in front of the children.

kathrynelizabeth3005 · 25/08/2018 23:17

I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened.

Simple, don’t take the kids round. Stick to your guns and find new childcare. If this is the one major thing they have done against your wishes, imagine what else they may have been doing all along (giving food you wouldn’t want them to have, too much screen time etc) if they think they know best.

SassitudeandSparkle · 25/08/2018 23:17

Are you going to be able to sort out other childcare by Wednesday, OP? I doubt you would feel comfortable dropping them off and I actually think after a big bust-up like that it would be a bit cheeky (and slightly unrealistic) to expect them to carry on - and you probably wouldn't trust them anyway.

Pepper123123 · 25/08/2018 23:17

I never understand why people ignore car seat guidelines.
They were not made up to make people's lives awkward, they're there to try to save the life of the child.

You're not being unreasonable in the slightest. I had a similar issue with my mother when DD was a baby. She'd repeatedly strap her in wrong, have the straps way too loose etc.
To be fair to her though, she at least tried to get it right. Your in-laws sound very difficult.

Singlenotsingle · 25/08/2018 23:18

I don't know much about car seats but my dgc have both got forward facing ones. Dgs is 5, dgd is 2. The seats were both chosen and by ds and ddil. They did proper research, and yes the seats are different.

Maybe you could explain to them that it's quite a complicated subject, the law keeps changing, and if they are caught using the wrong one they could be in trouble. Not sure but I think it could be a criminal offence.

lowtide · 25/08/2018 23:20

Is the car seat illegal?

Gazelda · 25/08/2018 23:21

I think you are over reacting about the car seat. I presume the one they've used is a safe and recognised product? It isn't the one you prefer, and believe to be safer, and in retrospect you should have just bought the one you wanted before they had chance to get involved with the choice.

What seat is your youngest using?

You shouldn't have sent the email after your DH had smoothed things over satisfactorily.

Having said all that, this arrangement isn't working for you, and your IL's doubtless feel unappreciated.

I think it would be best if you make alternative arrangements.

crenellations · 25/08/2018 23:21

I'm confused.
Aren't all 'baby' (newborn to approx 18 months) car seats rear-facing? (I could be wrong...)
So how did they find a forward-facing one when he was a baby and is this what they've put him in now as a 3-year-old?

What was the 1-year-old in?

StarUtopia · 25/08/2018 23:21

Always amazed at just how many people use their inlaws for free childcare...then get into situations like this.

If you want proper childcare - you pay for it.

Frankly, I think you should find new childcare and let your inlaws have their freedom of life back.

Waterfall010 · 25/08/2018 23:22

For me it would depend on whether they had put 3yr old DS in a newborn car seat, is that what happened? If so they had then risked his safety as he was older than the age range of the seat. And they knew you both wouldn’t be happy with it.
If they had used a model that you both didn’t like but it was safe for him, and there were no other issues, and if there were other good things for the DS going there, id probably think ok it’s not what I would have done but they were safe and within the law etc.
Would not be very happy with the first scenario and would be trying to look for another arrangement. You’re meant to have some peace of mind when dc are in childcare otherwise you might as well be looking after them yourself!!

Gazelda · 25/08/2018 23:24

Oh hang on, maybe I've misunderstood what sort of car seat we're talking about, and which child. If I have, then I apologise for my recent post.

crenellations · 25/08/2018 23:25

It's been the law since March 2017 for babies to be rear-facing until 15 months.

Magnussen · 25/08/2018 23:26

He's 3 though?

SherbetSorbet · 25/08/2018 23:27

Wow! I get you weren't happy with the seat but you should just have went out and bought the ones you wanted took them round and said hey PIL, can you use these seats next time, thanks.

Read your OP again, can you see how dramatic you are being?

Iizzyb · 25/08/2018 23:27

A few harsh replies there op.

They are your dc's. In my view you were right to guide on car seats and to offer to buy for their car. Goodness only knows why they didn't just take you up on that offer but have they just not taken them in the car for the last however long or have they been taking them & not telling you? Stubbornness and not wanting to be told/asked what to do by you presumably.

I have issues with dm sometimes but although she pulled a face about getting a safer seat than the one dsis had chosen for dn when he went to granny's she pulled a bit of a face & then accepted the new seat anyway.

Is it really worth the hassle for half a day's childcare a week?

On the other hand do dc's enjoy spending time with gp's and if so will they be losing out if you put a stop to it? Or will you have to see them at the weekends instead?

I might be tempted to just sort the car seats now, remind them that things are very different now and there are a lot more cars on the roads and that you feel very strongly about dc's being in good quality car seats and have done a lot of research and that clearly they are entitled to their own views but you appreciate them respecting your wishes.

It might just blow over. If it doesn't and you know dc's will be happy with gp's in the short term that would buy you some time to make alternative arrangements xxThanks

Swipe left for the next trending thread