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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

275 replies

Chocoholic26 · 25/08/2018 23:01

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

OP posts:
Allthewaves · 26/08/2018 04:15

No need for last txt msg. Your dh had sorted it and was going to buy a seat. You really did a big stir at end when it had been resolved

JuniperBeer · 26/08/2018 04:22

What car seat did you have think they have been using in the last two years?!

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 04:30

@crenellations

I was one of the PPs who said that. But we didn't realise back then that children beyond the age of 1 should be rear facing; if we had, that's what DH and I would have done. We really wanted to get it right. Our youngest was already 4 when I first read about this.

Back when we were doing our training to adopt, we were told that eye contact was all important for bonding, so that was the advice we followed.

Our youngest is now 6 so it's not relevant anymore. But I do feel guilty now, when I read threads like this.

My only point about driving carefully was, please don't forget that you still need to drive carefully, I do see cars with the sticker 'Baby on Board' not being carefully. There are other road users to take into account.

KioreWahine · 26/08/2018 04:34

Once you've heard the phrase 'internal decapitation' it does tend to change your mind about rear facing. I was surprised at the attitude many people - even of my age - had about rear facing. "Isn't it antisocial?" Err, she's on her own in the back of a car....

Personally I would have a hard time trusting them again. And they'd be on their last chance.

Mrsfrumble · 26/08/2018 04:35

18 kg is fairly big though(?) so I guess they might've expected he could fit into it till about age 4?

That's why I asked if the ILs knew how heavy the child was; neither of mine were anywhere near 18kg at 3, and DD was in her Britax First Class until 5, so I wondered if it could have been an honest mistake. OP says the ILs asked beforehand though.

afreshnewname · 26/08/2018 05:02

My almost 6 year old is only 22kgs so it wouldn't have crossed my mind to think a 3 year old was over 18kg unless they where actually HUGE

KC225 · 26/08/2018 05:12

Why are you waiting till Wednesday morning. If they live around the corner, why not pop round for five minutes - all of you with a bag of croissants or small cake or a picture the 3 year old has drawn. Clear the air if you are not planning to find alternative childcare.

It's cringe if your last communication was him banging on your door and you refusing to open it and then turning up of Wednesday to drop your kids off.

Havabiscuit · 26/08/2018 06:01

There was no need to sit them down to humiliate them as though you were their big boss instead of the daughter in law they were helping

^^^^^^

This is the problem! These are your children’s much loved grandparents, what are you showing your children about how to interact with them? I’m not surprised you feel a bit ashamed about seeing them face to face.

MaryShelley1818 · 26/08/2018 06:02

What Hideandgo said!

Height car seats (isize) are minimum 15mths rear facing. Weight based car seats face forward at 9kg which is usually around 9mths.
Our 8mth old DS is currently rear facing in a Recaro Infant Carrier. Yesterday we bought a 360 Spin Car Seat in the hope of keeping him rear facing until at least 2yrs (he’s very very tall) and we also bought 2 traditional 0/1 car seats for the Grandparents cars where he’ll have to be forward facing due to his weight. These will both be used once a week each for a short journey.

Peanutbuttercups21 · 26/08/2018 06:09

If you felt that strongly about it, you should have bought the seat with your own money, yourself

Why be stingy? You get (free?) Childcare. You should have provided a seat!!!

PrivateDoor · 26/08/2018 06:40

OP are you sure he has grown out of the seat? None of mine were 18kg until they were 5? And if he is big, are you sure his rear facing seat is correct for him? It is pretty unusual for a 3 year to have outgrown the baby seat, none of friends dc outgrew them so young.

I dunno iyabu, you expect the grandparents to walk to collect ds, even in the rain, I think I would have insisted on getting them a seat. Him apparently growing out of the other one gives you even more justification for doing so. I am surprised you would leave the dc there with no way of them being able to be transported should any sort of emergency arise. When I look after my nieces, my sister always puts their seas in my car just in case - even if she is only going to be a short time. Seems sensible to me!

bubbles108 · 26/08/2018 06:48

We could pay for childcare,

Then pay for childcare

Tell PIL that because they used a car seat for your child which was illegal - child too heavy for car seat - you now feel very worried about child's safety

Say that you're happy for them to see children when you or DH are around

Sorted

Oh and yes .... it will be embarrassing to see PIL initially after you being so emotional. Just explain that your children's safety makes you feel very strongly and that that is how you are

Blondeshavemorefun · 26/08/2018 06:55

What seat was it ?

Yes rear is safer. Possibly broken legs v possible broken neck

If you felt that strongly about the car seat you should have just brought it and given to them

Pop round today. Explain car seat rules have changed and legally need to be in a different seat

I don’t think they meant any harm

LotsToThinkOf · 26/08/2018 06:56

I'm confused at how he's outgrown the seat? If it was suitable for forward facing at 1 they usually go up to about 4 don't they? Which seat OP? I think that's the most relevant thing here.

Still, even if everything was legal and above board but you'd said no they'd disrespected your wishes, so that needs addressing. This time it's car seats but what's next?

crenellations · 26/08/2018 06:57

lizzie yes sorry, I was being a bit flippant. The rear facing thing is fairly new, my eldest is 3 and laws were changing and a big switch towards rear facing seemed to come about a couple of years ago. New guidElines advice and terminology but hard to work out what was actually legally required and appropriate and compatible with my old car!

LotsToThinkOf · 26/08/2018 06:59

Just a small point here - if the GPS had decided to pick up DS in a taxi rather than use the car seat they'd been told not to use then he wouldn't have required a car seat at all. I don't think we should be so hung up on the 'law' side of things with regards to safety. We should be focused on suitability.

OP, what would your thoughts have been if they'd decided to get a taxi to pick up DS in the rain rather than using the car seat?

ALittleBitCleared · 26/08/2018 07:04

What would OP think if the child came back soaked to the skin because of the bad rain? "Around the corner" implies a journey under 1/4 mile, too.

ALittleBitCleared · 26/08/2018 07:05

How did the inlaws find a FF seat that can't go > 18kg but still costs more than a RF seat that is accredited for > 18kg?

Minimamame · 26/08/2018 07:06

I think you're over reacting tbh. I would go ahead and buy the seat you feel is best. Arrive as planned on Wed morning and keep the childcare arrangement. There could come a day when you really need them to help out so I wouldn't cut them off completely. Also your mil really wants to mind them so it sounds like she would be upset if you cancelled.
Your fil sounds very like mine tbh. A very selfish and controlling man. My fil has no interest in our children so we only ask for help if we are very stuck which is not too often tg! Maybe your fil doesn't actually want to mind your children and this is his way of getting out of it? He can make you look like the ungrateful dil if they're "offering" to mind them and you choose not to???

ALittleBitCleared · 26/08/2018 07:07

and why is the unsuitable seat in the car unless they routinely use it for someone? Maybe someone else in family is fine about it being used for their kids.

Pah. I'm going to work. Expecting a thread deletion before I'm home.

Blueunicorn · 26/08/2018 07:10

Op I agree with you on rear facing seats. And all other people saying you are being over sensitive and touchy. Well ignore them. Jeeze. Some parents actually give a crap about safety. And the roads these days are about other drivers driving unsafe. Like a pp about internal decapitation. It definitely changes your perspective on ff car seats. Yes the chance of a crash is low but it's still a chance. And if you want to make the best efforts to protect your children then how is that a bad thing! Also as to another pp saying unless your child is HUGE! I find that disgusting. My children were born on the top scale. So yes some children are. They are tall. So not huge! Just on bigger than the average.

WilburIsSomePig · 26/08/2018 07:11

let your inlaws have their freedom of life back.. Bit dramatic. It's one day a week and they offered.

I can't for the life of me understand the posters who imply that because they look after their grandchildren they don't have to consider their safety in the same way as you normally would. That's ridiculous.

Cheby · 26/08/2018 07:13

OP has pointed out very clearly that the seat the PIL bought goes up to 18kg. This is very standard for FF seats. It means the 5 point harness isn’t safe in a crash if a fully clothed child weighs more than 18kg. If a child is 50th centile for weight, they will hit 18kg around age 4. If a child is above the 50th centile, they will git 18kg before 4 and will need an ERF or FF seat which harnesses up to 25kg. There are more around these days, but 18kg is the most common type. The expectation is that after this weight they will begin to use a HBB, but to use a HBB safely children need to be able to reliably sit still and straight in their seat. This doesn’t usually happen until they are over 4. And in any case, rear facing is by far and away the safest, so the longer you can RF the better. My extremely tall DC1 outgrew her seats for height age 3.10. She wasn’t out of the weight limit, so we switched them FF (more room height wise due to positioning of shoulder straps) until she was 4, then we bought a really decent HBB that will last her until she is 150cm.

bengalcat · 26/08/2018 07:19

When my parents looked after my child / baby I simply transferred my car seat to their car or kids fathers car if he was taking her her out - for only one day a week car seats for two kids for two cars seems unnecessary but if you wish to keep your car seats in your car then why didn't you buy your preferred car seat for their car from the outset

usingadifferentname · 26/08/2018 07:20

My in laws look after our LO once a week. We bought them a ERF car seat before they got the chance to get their own car seat, told them a little white lie that we’d seen it on offer to avoid offending them. They were insistent on buying their own but happily accepted our white lie.

I think when you are getting free child care then you have to accept that things may not always be to your liking or otherwise look for alternative childcare. We know that our LO is well looked after by in laws although they do tend to give LO what I’d class as junk food but in the grand scheme of things it’s once a week. We are grateful for their help.

Your last message was unnecessary, your DH has spoken to his mum and sorted it so you sending another message was OTT. Don’t blame your FIL for coming round, to be honest you sound similar in personalities.