To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

[Chocoholic26]

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

magnussen yes but the OP says this was a seat they bought when he was a baby. Just not clear about what seats she's talking about!

The original car seat conversation was 2 years ago so to give them the benefit of the doubt, and if you said something at the time like he’s still to young for forward facing, they might have thought the seat was now fine. Yes they were in the wrong to use it but it sounds like your DH sorted it when he spoke to his Mum, explained that the seat wasn’t ok and the outcome was they’d continue to have the children and you would purchase a suitable seat. If you want to arrange alternative childcare then do so but that’s a discussion to have with your DH before he talks to his parents. I really don’t understand why you needed to send a text about your feelings, it sounds like that further antagonised the situation, especially when everyone else considered the matter closed, and from the sounds of it didn’t actually serve any real purpose.

And what type of seat is it that is only foreard facing yet is too small for a 3 year old? I’m also a bit puzzled by that.

SO the one year old is forward facing when he shoild be rear facing? This was teo years ago but the child is one?

Im so confused!

I don't really understand about car seats, but surely he's way too old to be rear facing?

Same as I've said before. Have the face to face conversation FIL wants and ask two questions.

Do you love your grandchildren?
Do you want to have a relayionship with them?

If yes to both, they you will do what you are told as they are our children and you will NOT put their safety at risk because you are arrogant and ignorant.

Golde nope, you can rear-face til at least 3 or 4, if not older - it's proven to be safest.

Car seat guidance is a total minefield and really confusing (as I found out when I had my first!) but people should be aware of the law.

Your in laws have not put your child at risk. They bought a seat that meets safety standards. Unfortunately, if you choose to have either your parents or parents in law look after your children there is somethings you just have to get over. You sound like you are constantly on their case and are very particular. These people brought your dh up and I assume by the fact that you married him that he turned out ok? And if you had any major issues with them you would not have agreed to let them mind your children in the first place. Yes they need to get car seats that are age appropriate but stop taking the moral high ground, they don't want to see anything happen their grandchildren either.

What ever the issue is the fact that your wishes are not been respected is the main problem.
It would be helpful if your husband went to see them alone and sorted the situation out.
Your FIL sounds like he is quite obnoxious, could your husband arrange a face to face meeting at your house just with your MIL on her own.

OP as there appears to be a lot of confusion about whether the seat is legal or not, please can you specify what type of seat you are talking about? It sounds from your post like they used a forward-facing newborn seat for a 3-year-old but that doesn't sound likely?

To be honest I personally think you are totally over reacting.
The fact they paid for the car seat- and it was legal then be pleased they are taking an interest.
Having been child car seat shopping- there are some that absolutely crazy safe- and some that are just as safe as they all have to pass regulations.
Have you been picky about other things? Obviously things have been brewing.
Back in the day car seats / seat belts were hardly used- I remember our car in the 80s having no seatbelts (also my first car journey mum put my car seat in the open boot lol (1983).

I think you are being over the top xx

I get it OP. My parents asked to get a car seat for occasional use in their car. I suggested a few, they didn't like them. Bought a much cheaper version and had it fitted badly. I said when I saw it that it wasn't suitable and showed them the difference between theirs and ours in terms of build quality. They agreed, took theirs back and we bought a new one. No fuss, no arguments, just discussed like adults.

There's no way I'd allow ILs to do childcare in your situation

No OP you're not being unreasonable. You told them clearly what you felt appropriate for your children. You offered to supply that, an offer which was rejected. And at that point you reaffirmed your wishes. Despite this, they disregarded those wishes. It doesn't matter the context, that trust is now broken. I would look for alternative childcare as a matter of urgency - what else do you not know as your son hasn't told you yet?!

Your thread title is a tad dramatic.

You have totally overreacted. They provide you free childcare and you spoke to them like dirt. The car seat may not have been the one you would have chosen but it was perfectly legal and safe.

A bit confused here about which car seat and which child

I think you have to bare in mind that your PILs brought up their children in a different age and their mind set will be entirely different to yours. As in they probably feel that you are being overly cautious . They will remember being children in the back of their parent's car with no seatbelts let alone child seats so you really have to think of where they are coming from and perhaps temper your upset a little.
Is it really worth falling out with your PILs for the 'wrong' child seat?

Very over dramatic.... that last text especially so

Thank you for all of your replies. All interesting and helpful to read.

So to be clear.

2 years ago, when our 3 year old was one we wanted him to be rear facing. They bought (against our suggestions, that they even asked us about) a forward facing car seat for babies over 9kg which at the time was still legal but not deemed safe in many articles and research that I did. PIL agreed not to use it. I don’t believe they have ever used it as they haven’t needed to.

Last week they used this car seat, which is suitable for children, forward facing until 18kg. Our child is over this weight limit and we told them that they can’t use the car seat for him. Again, we offered to buy one that was suitable for him to use. They said no. I am aware we maybe should have put our foot down but we just presumed they still didn’t require a car seat. As far as I’m aware, they haven’t had our youngest in it. They were picking eldest up from nursery (just round the corner from their house) it was wet and they thought they would chance it. I’m unsure if it’s illegal to carry a child in a restraint that is too heavy for the seat? It certainly isn’t safe.

Anyway, I know it’s a bit confusing. I hope you understand what I mean. The bottom line is, they’ve ignored our wishes re safety and it’s really bothered me they have done this. My parents think the car seat laws are crazy and often go on about ‘oh in my day....’ but they put up with our wishes as parents and do as we ask.

The whole free childcare thing that someone brought up is irrelevant here. We could pay for childcare, that’s not the issue but our PIL offered to have our boys a day a week and it would be nice for them to have a relationship with their GP. That shouldn’t just waiver our rights as parents to decide what is best in terms of safety though, surely!

I should also make clear, which I didn’t in my original post, that my message was sent after the heated discussion. Before DH went and spoke to his mum. It wasn’t after.

If it was my decision alone, I’d send them to a local nursery/childminders but no one wants to cause a rift in the family. A new car seat has been bought but I’m just going to find it very difficult to face them this week.

Car seat regulations have changed, for those confused about car seats.
Children are supposed to be rear facing until about 4 years old now, if not longer.

People faint if your child wears a coat in a car seat, and if the child is in the seat longer than about 20 minutes.

I had a big argument ( well a quiet discussion) as I’m not confrontational in real life with a hateful young man in Halfords once about it. ( he was tall, arrogant and trying to intimidate...very strange behaviour)

He insisted on my very tall 2 nearly 3 year old sitting rearwards in the car ( back seat of course) when I said he wouldn’t fit with his long legs, he insisted he had to, After lots of trying, and a game 2-3 year old, he finally agreed, he couldn’t fit. ( idiot youth)

you can rear-face til at least 3 or 4, if not older

Really! Poor kids. How incredibly dull for them having nothing to look at but the back of the seat until they are nearly school age. I am glad that bit of safety advice wasn't around to make me feel guilty when DD was a toddler.

Somehow we muddled through with a forward facing seat and five point harness from about six months. Rear facing before then. Actually by the time she started school we just had a booster I think. The law may have moved on since then.

I think if someone is good enough to do you a favour and look after your DC for you then be polite. If I were your in laws I would no longer be providing you with childcare. You could have just gone and got an appropriate seat, given it to them and asked if they could use this one in future. They shouldn't be out of pocket to look after your DC anyway. There was no need to sit them down to humiliate them as though you were their big boss instead of the daughter in law they were helping.
If the car seat was a home from hospital baby carrier and it was actually dangerous rather than just not optimum in your opinion then you should just say 'thanks for the massive favour of looking after my kids once a week for X years but it is time for them to ....... mix with their peers or join preschool or whatever fits.

For the record babies/children can go forward facing from 9kg which is typically well before age 1, in weight based seats.

I think that when it was agreed that they would babysit, that you should have just bought and handed over the car seat that you felt they needed. However now it is up to your DH to sort, and he needs to get a grip and ask that they have the right car seat. You should stay out of it. (Although you have said that they have a new car seat now so I would just drop child off with a big smile!!!

Haha, thanks....off to practise my pretend big smiles

OP, one day this will be you: a grandparent faced with a entirely different set of rules and regulations from those you understand and know.

They are offering free childcare. You have a new seat. You arrive and say, ‘We are really grateful for your help, we thought it might be helpful if we got the seat we prefer because the rules have changed so much.’

No more emails about ‘feelings ‘. Talk in person and be specific if you need to but they sound like helpful and well meaning people who have slightly got the rules wrong.

I wouldn’t fall out with them over this. Road safety is important but the regulations change so frequently it’s not surprising if they roll their eyes a bit. Wen I was a child my youngest brother sat in his carrycot in the boot of our estate car surrounded by the dog and other random shit. I’m not saythats fine but it was fine then.