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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

275 replies

Chocoholic26 · 25/08/2018 23:01

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

OP posts:
Somerville · 26/08/2018 00:21

Since they only drove your son around the corner from their house then I think the level of emotion and anger is a bit of an over-reaction. I assumed they’d taken him for a long journey in the motorway from your OP.
Nevertheless, you are now in a situation where you’ve all been riled up and not have a chance to smooth things over face to face. They probably feel as much trepidation about you dropping your DC off as you do about going to their house again. Remind yourself of that, and that your son is fine - it was a short journey and they were trying to keep him dry from the rain and only had that seat to hand. They didn’t purposefully try to put him at risk.

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 00:21

Also, I know this isn’t a thread mainly about car seat safety but rearward facing until around 4 is about 5 times safer than having your child forward facing. The research Is staggering and quite frankly I’ve no idea why these recommendations aren’t enforced and made law yet here in the UK. I’d much prefer my child to be bored looking at the back of the seat than the alternative.

OP posts:
dundee12 · 26/08/2018 00:22

I can understand your annoyance but surely the fact it was a quick trip around the corner (I assume in a residential area with a speed limit of 20 mph) as opposed to a long journey on the motorway makes it less dangerous.

On a separate note I don’t understand how a 4 year old can be rear facing, surely most cars just do not have the room or the kids have to put their legs in uncomfortable positions

BakedBeans47 · 26/08/2018 00:23

How can he be too big and heavy for the car seat? Mine are bigger and extended RF wasn’t really a thing when they were small but my kids were in their forward facing seat once they got out the infant carrier for years till they then needed the hbb.

Get new childcare if you don’t trust them but I think talk of them “putting their lives at risk” if they are using legal car seats is a bit OTT

radiatorclotheshorse · 26/08/2018 00:29

Where do the children's legs go if they are rear facing? Can someone please show me? Diagram perhaps? My wee ones legs were bent against the seat at about 8mo ... now 1m tall and all legs. Do I cut out holes and feed her legs through to the boot?

ToeToToe · 26/08/2018 00:31

I haven't RTFT. Many safety reports now show that rear facing until 4 is the safest way.

I am, and I always have been neurotic about car seat safety. This rear-facing stuff wasn't about when mine were that age - but had it been, I'd have insisted on rear facing for regular car travel for dc of OP's dc's age.

So I'm going to say YANBU OP.

angelikacpickles · 26/08/2018 00:31

On a separate note I don’t understand how a 4 year old can be rear facing, surely most cars just do not have the room or the kids have to put their legs in uncomfortable positions

It's not uncomfortable for them at all. Both of my kids rear-faced until 3.5 and were turned at that point because of the weight limit on the seat. They put their feet on the back of the car's own seat with their knees bent - like this goo.gl/images/yxqRTG They would have fit length-wise for much longer but our seat was only rated to 18kg for RF.

ToeToToe · 26/08/2018 00:36

*But you need to either buy the rear facing car seats for them, and insist they use them, or find alternative child care.

From what I've read of the thread, some people are being quite unfair to you. Which is ridiculous. You have a mildly belligerent FIL who ignored your advice/request on child seats. You have your children's safety at heart - so yanbu.

ToeToToe · 26/08/2018 00:38

This is a video on the subject. Children should be rear facing until 4.

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 00:39

Thanks ToeToToe, I’m glad someone is on my wavelength. New car seat bought and deep breaths all round on Wednesday I think x

OP posts:
TallTilly · 26/08/2018 00:40

My daughter is 3.5 and has rear faced quite happily until now.

The past week or so she has started to moan about it. Wants to see what’s going on. Says she’s uncomfortable etc.

Her seat can be transformed into a forward facing one and my husband thinks it is time to turn it round now but I’m so unsure. We do a lot of motorway driving.

Any advice on this? Sorry for the detail

dundee12 · 26/08/2018 00:42

Looked at the images, perhaps because DH & I & kids are tall, it just seems like there isn’t enough room in the 2nd row but if it’s safer, it’s safer.

Is iso fix safer than non iso fix?

Mrsfrumble · 26/08/2018 00:43

Did they know that your son is over 18 kg?

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 00:46

Mrs Frumble, yes they did. They asked if they could use the car seat and we said no. They weren’t happy, we offered and they said they didn’t need one then. But then used it anyway...see where I’m coming from?

OP posts:
dundee12 · 26/08/2018 00:47

TallTilly Surely it also depends on the car you drive? Wouldn’t a forward facing in a Xc90 be safer than a rear facing in a fiat 500 for example?

LadyLoveYourWhat · 26/08/2018 00:51

I don't understand why so many posters seem to have such difficulty understanding your post, they've obviously got as far as thinking "ungrateful DiL with free childcare" and their reading comprehension has gone out the window. I can absolutely understand why you are feeling apprehensive about this week, your in laws put your son in a seat he was too tall and heavy for, walked out when you tried to discuss it and then complained when you put your feelings in writing instead! To be honest I would be putting my children into alternative childcare, they've blown their chance to look after their grandchildren on their own. Obviously keep seeing them and have your children see their grandparents, but sole care is off the table.

5foot5 · 26/08/2018 00:56

Also, I know this isn’t a thread mainly about car seat safety but rearward facing until around 4 is about 5 times safer than having your child forward facing

This might be a moment when it is worth reflecting on statistics. I freely admit I do not have access to the statistics on child injury in car crashes. But suppose the risk of injury in an accident in a rear facing seat was 1 in 500,000. That sounds pretty safe. But it would also mean the risk in a forward facing seat was only 1 in 100,000. Which also sounds pretty safe.

Like I say, I do not know the statistics, but they are tricky bastards statistics. If the risk of something happening is very, very low then 4 to 5 times the risk is still pretty low

Original poster
Chocoholic26 · 26/08/2018 00:57

Ladyloveyourwhat thank you and thanks for getting what I have been trying to say all along. I have felt some of the replies have been slightly unfair. I did post this here though so I wasn’t expecting anything less Hmm

OP posts:
victoriaspongecake · 26/08/2018 00:58

Those children in the earlier link rear facing look most uncomfortable and in a very poor sitting position sitting on their sacrum with legs bent at funny angles.

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 01:00

I always end up feeling guilty when reading threads like these. My DDs (adopted, aged 9 and 6 now), both came to us at 1 year of age. At that time, we found nothing to suggest they should be rear-facing beyond 1 year of age (and, believe me, my DH is always thorough in his research), and the advice for adoptive parents was that they should be forward facing so that you could look round to reassure them. DD1 in particular used to get very distressed in her car seat.

But we always drove carefully, which is the most important thing at the end of the day. I do see a lot of appalling driving in cars with a sticker saying 'baby on board'! Hmm

In the OP's case, your PILs are U, as you have expressed your concern about car seats to them before.

OkPedro · 26/08/2018 01:13

I don't understand the legal/safety argument
My daughter is almost 10 and still in a high back booster seat, she's tall but she's perfectly comfortable and more importantly safe
I know legally she doesn't need to use this seat but is that how people make decisions? It's legal so it must be ok..

I know many people whose children haven't used a high back booster or even a booster seat since they were toddlers
Madness

Inertia · 26/08/2018 01:16

It's a bigger issue than just the car seats, frustrating though that is on its own. It's the fact that your inlaws react angrily to your parenting decisions, and strop off if they disagree about your children's safety, and overrule you, and insist that they will continue to do childcare..

CecilyP · 26/08/2018 01:35

What I am still a little confused about is, if they haven't used the seat for 2 years, presumably by not taking the DS out in the car, how were they supposed to know he was now too big and heavy for it. You say, they knew he was18 kg (not sure how this would have come up) but after 2 years would they have even remembered that 18 kg was the Max weight for the seat and put 2 & 2 together? This may be why they are upset - in their eyes, they were using a legal seat which they would have assumed was still OK for a 3 year old.

MammyShark · 26/08/2018 02:20

I hear you OP. Some people can get their knickers in a twist over extended rear facing. "We never did it/ it looks uncomfortable/ where do they put their legs?/ They've got nothing to look at!" Hmm I've worked in A&E and seen internal decapitation in infants in RTCs who were in legal forward facing seats - a fatal injury that wouldn't have happened if they were rear facing. Kids have large heavy heads out of proportion to their body. You stop suddenly, they get thrown forward, the force can break their neck. This is why rear facing is so much safer. My tall 3 year old has no problems crossing his legs or resting them on the parcel shelf. He's not uncomfortable, and his constant commentary of what vehicles are around us tells me he's got plenty to look at (as if that would trump safety anyway ffs)!

No advice on your in-laws, you've tried reasoning, talking, offering to buy seats. I'd probably look for alternative child care, if in-laws protest don't feel bad, the situation is of their own making. I let pretty much everything slide when people are good enough to look after my kids. Food choices/cleanliness fine whatever. Safety though - nope. No compromise.

www.carseat.se/the-swedish-rear-facing-car-seat-approach/

crenellations · 26/08/2018 04:09

Thanks for clearing up OP. Whatever pp's views on rear-facing, to squeeze a 3 yr old into a baby car seat too small seems bizarre and dangerous - just thinking about the seat my dc had, although I know there are those multi-stage ones. 18 kg is fairly big though(?) so I guess they might've expected he could fit into it till about age 4?

Ppl saying 'but we drove carefully' don't seem to get that that doesn't prevent other ppl driving awfully! Lots of rear-ending can't be prevented by how YOU drive, and that's where FF seats can be dangerous.

It's not exactly that much more exciting to look out of the front window than it is to look out the back or sides... What a bizarre argument.

Anyway, the point is, you made clear your feelings about how uncomfortable you were with this safety issue. Although there was probably near-zero chance of him being hurt on this occasion they've ignored your wishes which is worth speaking about. There was a thread recently about a mil who wouldn't put her cup of tea down to hold a newborn that everyone was up in arms about - I think in both cases the parents' wishes need to be respected.