To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

[Chocoholic26]

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

Can a 4yr old really really fit in a rear-facing seat... where would their legs go? Some 4yr olds are big with long legs.

I completely understand how you feel OP. I am strict about car seats too, rear facing here until 4. And my family are rather more relaxed. So I have a blanket ban in my dcs going in anyone elses car without my permission. Makes it easier than saying 'this car seat' or 'no, because the car seat isn't safe'.

I just say 'no because I am a control freak, it's not you, it's me'. Saves arguements as you can't argue with crazy can you?

What would OP think if the child came back soaked to the skin because of the bad rain?

Presumably the child owns some form of coat?

God, not this again. DD is 5.5 and still comfortably RFing. Kids don't mind their legs being bent (they often sit like this anyway) and it's actually more comfortable than having their legs hanging for hours at a time. Also they're not staring at the back of the seat, they can see over the seat and out the back window of the car. And out the side windows too. When FFing they actually are staring at the back of the front seats!

Anyway, as you were.

YANBU in the slightest. Its about trust, and they disrespected your wishes about an issue as important as car safety,and went behind your back. Please don't stay stressed over this any more. Just find other childcare. You have done everything right, and sadly some people cannot be reasoned with. Good that our DH backs you up though with his parents.

I would be livid.

I have nieces and nephews and I asked what syou acts I should buy and bought them.

There was a story local to me recently where an aunt put a child in a car seat that the child was too young for and there was an accident in which the child suffers horrendous life changing injuries.

Like others have said get other childcare.

The issue is not actually the car seat though is it? It is the fact they have deliberately done something you asked them not to do, twice now, and then 'accused' you of deeming them untrustworthy. When they have infant behaved in an untrustworthy way.

We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

So many people saying 'If you don't like their seat then buy your own'. Did people miss this?

I think your post is melodramatic. "life at risk"? You do know that even with the best car seat in the world, going under a lorry, would finish them. A great car seat minimises risk. Better if they didn't drive them at all though.

I do understand that going against what you want is the issue here. However they obviously love their grandchildren too and that they wouldn't want them put in harms way. I think you should say again that even if they think you are being melodramatic could they do what you ask them because it's stressful for you otherwise. That way it takes the emphasis off childcare and more on the fact that they will be deliberating causing you and their son upset.

I would agree that you should get a sense of proportion on this matter and perhaps even apologise for over reacting. They made a mistake; but were probably well intentioned if misguided.

It all seemed perfectly reasonable until I got to the bit about your long message to which your FiL quite understandably objected. If you live close enough for him to come and bang on the door there was no need for it, you could easily have said what you feel to their faces. I personally hate it when people message me when it would actually be easier to just pick up the phone.

Thanks again for all comments. Thanks for those who recognise rear facing safety. Thanks for for people who think my child is MASSIVE. Yep he’s a big boy on the 98th centile on the chart. He was 18kg when he was around 18months!!

My PIL asked if they could use their originally bought car seat now that he is older. We said no because of the reasons above. We said we had bought my parents a new one and if they would like one too. They said no they would do without. They live centrally in our town and really don’t need a car seat. We offered, they said no so end of. We weren’t going to fork out another £400 for an ERF up to 25kg seat if they didn’t want it. But they decided just to use the wrong one anyway. I find it incomprehensible that some of you think they have done nothing wrong? I find you stranger than the ILs at this moment in time. He’s always walked to and from nursery, waterproofs and boots and been fine. Lots of people don’t have cars and manage. I would also appreciate if those commenting now read the whole thread. Some people have answered questions that you continue to ask...why didn’t you buy the seat, why would he be too heavy etc! Someone mentioned that this thread will be deleted and I think I probably will, can someone please tell me how I do this? Not because I’m unhappy with responses...everyone is entitled to their opinion but because I think I’ve read enough now.

How is it a "well intentioned mistake" if they had been asked repeatedly about a safer car seat? They knew this was not what the parents would want but they thought it was all "elf and safety gorn mad" stuff and that they knew best. I travelled happily as a child in the boot of our estate car unrestrained - my dc travelled rear facing till 4. Times change.

Oh and also, for those saying that I should have said what I did in my message to their faces, I tried, they got up and walked out!! Only thing I could do! It wasn’t even harsh, it was simple facts. I was very polite. But I don’t think I need to copy it on here for more speculation.

What mummyshark said.

And why the total lack of comprehension from some about the severe effects of whiplash? It doesn't matter if the car seat is welded to the vehicle and the child strapped in so tightly they can hardly move - their head WILL smash forward with the consequences so clearly described by a PP who works in A&E and has seen the horrific results first hand for herself. I bet she'd buy a rear facing car seat (which is all you need to know really).

And I'm sorry, but whilst I would happily accept in-laws/parents looking after my child doing some things differently to how I do (that's part of the magic of going to grandparents isn't it, the way they do things), flouting SAFETY requirements and preferences is absolutely NOT for discussion - and they should know that. I would be surprised if they haven't been controlling and dictatorial elsewhere and certainly I bet there are examples from OPs DH when he was growing up if he thinks back - it's now being manifested and extended to the OPs children whom they purport to know so much more about then OP (but blatantly don't as they wish to argue for to use of a less safe car seat and use a car seat knowing that it is no longer the appropriate seat for a child of that weight).

I'm also laughing (not with humour) at the ridiculous comments about children being 'bored' rear facing. As if that's even a consideration when compared to severe brain injury or death.

Also he was maybe older when he hit 18kg, I’m just looking back on his charts and it must have been when he was over two...just to correct myself before I’ve got someone bashing me about getting my own child’s weight wrong

The ignorance on here from some is astounding. My eldest is 9 and he was ERF, it's not a very new thing. Please leave the thread up Chocoholic26, a few people might learn from it.

The ignorance on here from some is astounding.

I agree. My DCs are older now so we're only in rear facing for a shorter time but it makes sense that it changed. It's really not that hard to understand. For most people.

OP YANBU

My in laws look after their other GC who is two and very petite, they have been using a crappy ff seat that we bought ds1 7 years ago (when we had no car of our own and no money), it’s a really basic seat, we had two and the other one actually fell apart but they still insist on using it despite both they and the childs parents being well able to buy a much better seat. I find it bizarre that the same people pay £££ for fancy cots and prams but don’t bother about something so important to safety.

And the whole rear facing thing has been around for at least 7 years because I remember feeling terribly guilty for not being able to afford a rf seat for ds1, we were so broke then and didn’t have a car of our own so we just bought cheap for the odd car journey and I hated it.

I just think your thread title was over the top and made it something else. They didn’t really ‘risk his life’, he is fine and you have every right to be hacked off they are not taking your car seat rules seriously. If they refuse to respect your opinion then look for alternative childcare.
My little ones don’t rearface due to our vehicle, so I keep them in the infant seat till they are the weight limit. I am well aware of safety but with current vehicle and number of children I have limited options.
Legally your large weight toddler could go on a high back booster (you would not be breaking the law) so this is about your personal choice being respected. My in laws were going to put my 6 yr old who weighs 20kg on a booster and thought I was being daft insisting on the cyber high back booster but they respected my wishes.

Your child, so it’s up to you to decide how you want him transported, no question.

But you handled it all wrong. You should have bought them the car seat you wanted them to use from the outset.

I think you need to review this arrangement. You want your PIL to provide the kind of childcare which is based on current thinking. They want to do it based on their knowledge and experience.

Believe me, in twenty years time something that you are doing now in good faith will be considered positively dangerous. In my day we were categorically told that babies should sleep on their front, and on no account on their backs. We now know how wrong that advice was.

What I’m trying to say is that they are probably good carers doing the best they can, but what you want is really better provided by a professional service, be it nursery or individual child care. There will be plenty of opportunity for them to bond with their DGS without using them as a child care service in which you have no confidence.

I've seen lots of safety advice advising passengers not to sit with their feet up on the car dashboard because in an accident the legs can be forced back into the hips, causing serious injury. Is that not a risk with the children bending their knees to put their feet on the back seat?

My children are adults now so I've had no reason to keep up with car seat advice but those pictures look like they could result in some serious leg/pelvis injuries.

Chocoholic, you are not being at all unreasonable and you have explained yourself very well. The many idiots who haven't actually bothered to read the thread and keep asking questions which have already been answered, you are absolutely unreasonable and thoroughly annoying.

I agree that the in laws have proved they can't be trusted but ultimately they are still your children's grandparents and you all need to find a way past this. I know you've got them the new car seat now but they clearly are struggling to accept your reasoning. There are some very good YouTube videos explaining and showing exactly why ERF is safer, and I think you should tell them that if they wish to continue looking after your children you should all sit down together and watch those. You can't watch them and remain unaffected, they are unequivocal. Ask them afterwards if they still think you have been unreasonable.

You should have bought them the car seat you wanted them to use from the outset.

She offered to and they refused. What’s she supposed to do?