To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

[Chocoholic26]

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

I WILL NOT let that slip!

Pay for childcare then. Honest to goodness (not just here but IRL) the sense of entitlement from people who are lucky to score free childcare but yet expect to call all the shots, get all indignant and outraged when things don’t go their way, and dress up like they’re doing the GP a favour by letting them look after their precious offspring is really quite tiresome.

@bakedbeans47 requiring a suitable car seat to be used, particuarly after offering to buy one, isn't 'calling all the shots' though is it?

I agree with OP FWIW but to add some context, a rear facing seat is only part of the equation really.

I didn’t want my FIL driving my child because his eyesight was poor and he had a number of near misses. Legally he was allowed to drive but I wasn’t happy with it. This was the case no matter the car seat.

A car seat is only one small factor in road safety and it is as much to do with car type and ability and reactions of the driver.

I’d still be looking at alternative care tbh. The car seat issue may be sorted for now if you buy one (though by the sound of the ils I wouldn’t be surprised if they still used the old one as it’s perfectly fine in their eyes) but who knows what other corners they will be cutting?
You can’t trust them to respect your wishes and keep your child safe and you don’t rely on them financially for free care so why leave your child with them? They can build a r’ship with gp’s by them visiting or you taking your ds to visit (in an appropriate car seat!).

called Your FIL may be a poor driver, but unless he has to legally wear glasses to drive, then his eyesight will not be poor.

Ive rtft and think YANBU at all.

Ignore all the bored brain dead posters who've been commenting and posting questions which you have already explained really well.

It's not about the 'free childcare' here.

It's about about a breach of trust and a blatant disrespect for you as parents. You have obviously done a lot of research on the subject of car seat safety and your findings are significant. They sound ignorant (like many on here who can't see the point) and have the opinion that 'a car seat is a car seat' except it's clearly not.

I really don't know how I'd approach them now but I would want them to learn about car seat safety. Perhaps once they'd educated themselves they may even apologise for what they did.

If childcare is to continue though, you should definitely provide all equipment so there is no room for a repeat.

I'm glad MN have kept this post as I think it may help raise awareness to others in the false sense of safety forward facing car seats provide the under 4's.

Every parent wants to reduce risk as much as possible- but really here we'll be talking tiny percentage differences in risk.

Of course the smallest percentage of risk would always be preferable- but an occasional short journey with a tiny percent (of a tiny percent) more risk is not worth all this drama about 'risking his life'.

It's irrational.

The way you spoke to your ILs sounds condescending. When people justify being dictatorial about irrational or petty things because it's my house/child, yes you can win/ get your own way. But at what cost?

Relationships are more important to this child than the 0.0002 (or whatever)) difference on that journey..
I'd try to repair things and find a reasonable compromise, make a new plan with them and try to get rational about risk statistics differences.

Lots of people are suggesting that because it's the GCs and they are providing free childcare, then they should be allowed to do something the DIL has said is unsafe. They are being unreasonable. She has a right to insist. Her children her responsibility if they are hurt.

Since you are such the expert on car seat safety OP I don't think it matters what the GPS did it would have been wrong. You feel so strongly about the exact seat that DS must have so therefore should have bought the seat in the first place. I imagine GPS said no because you were abou to spend £400 on a car seat which would have been used very, very occasionally and they felt, quite rightly, that it was an absolute waste of money for the sake of being neurotic.

I'm not saying that what they've done is right, I commented earlier in agreement with you. But had you been slightly more reasonable about the type/cost of seat suitable for occasional, very short, journeys then I think this would have had a better outcome.

There's give and take in everything, this was an occasion where you needed to compromise and not overreact.

I'm always a bit bemused at the parents who are keen on the extended rear facing, like beyond 2 or 3 or 4. It just seems like total overkill to me, but different strokes and all that.

I'd be doing my best to de-escalate, because you don't want to fall out with your in-laws.

Where has this £300/400 for an extended rear facing seat come from? Yes, there are seats that cost that much, and I own one in my car.

But

I have a ERF up to 18kg car seat that I use for a second seat for GPS etc and it was less than £100! Much the same as the same stage forward facing seats.

Joie is a reasonable priced brand for ERF if anyone is interested.

That’s bollocks abacut

He had cataracts and multiple health issues. After witnessing a near miss at a roundabout, DH and I agreed he should not drive our children any more. We made some excuse and didn’t tell him. In the end MIL begged him not to drive. Shame as he was a wonderful driver for decades until his health failed

Poor bugger is dead now.

I do think that driving skills deteriorate with age. My mum tells me she no longer feels safe driving my kids.

called There is a legal minimum eyesight needs to meet to be able to drive. If he met it, eyesight was not an issue.

I don't really get the car seat thing but that's just not the point. If you asked me to look after your dc I'd use the chair you requested or decline to drive them.

Ignoring your request is disrespectful and a breach of trust. It's very hard to get past that sort of thing when the person involved hasn't apologised sincerely.

They don't have to agree with you on the car seat obviously but they need to go along with it or not get involved in childcare.

This isn't some thread about the grandma giving 6 chocolate buttons instead of 5. It's a serious safety issue.

It doesn't sound like it was planned.
Just they needed to pick him up. It was heavily raining. So instead of getting soaked they made use of what they had which was the car seat they had bought as a one off.

You are overreacting.
If you don't trust them to make decisions in emergencies then don't let them look street your kids.

OP is failingat40 your new name change? Calling posters bored and brain dead. Referring to your in laws and fellow posters as ignorant, then being smug on assuming you have educated the masses.

abacucat,

But if someone falls below that eyesight limit while holding a license THEY HAVE TO ACTIVELY REPORT IT TO DVLA. If they don't, and carry on driving, no-one will stop them unless / until they cause a serious or fatal accident, because there aren't e.g. 'renewal' tests: once you have a driving license you have it.

FIL has been blind in 1 eye since birth. He is due to have a cataract in the other removed in a couple of weeks. However, he continues to drive because 'last time I went to the opticians [to renew glasses, not to have the cataract examined, he doesn't count that] about a year ago, they didn't tell me I couldn't drive'.

He won't report himself to the DVLA.

SIL refuses to encourage him to do so, because 'he drives down here every weekend, he would be lonely if he didn't, and it takes too long to fetch him'.

DH can't influence him. At the moment, I am hanging fire on reporting him because he will have the op very shortly, though i have made dH - the only one of us who ever visits him, long story - never to allow FIL to drive him anywhere. If his vision doesn't improve very significantly, then I will report him, which will cause WW3 because everyone will know it is me.

It really isn't the case, sadly, that 'they are driving so their vision must be OK, because if their vision was poor they wouldn't be allowed to drive'

Lots the seat the GPs bought was more expensive than the one OP wanted. It's right there in the OP.
So it's not about money.

The length of the car journey doesn’t matter.

Of course it matters. Risks or mortality rates of journeys are calculated per 10km or per hour of travel. I doubt OP will find a childminder or nursery that meets her requirements, either.

You doubt that a childminder or nursery would put a child in an appropriate-sized car seat? Really? That seems like a pretty basic level of care.

I doubt either would have a RF seat. It wouldn't surprise me if neither weighed children to make sure they matched seat guidelines.

Cannot believe so many of you would accept someone putting your child in a seat they dont fit in. Poor fitting carseats can actually cause more harm than good, cringing so bad right now, I wonder if you would take any responsibility if there was a child fatality or serious injury in a crash and you knew your child didn't fit the seat. Bizarre.

DC's childminder had a fixed ruler by the front door, showing heights for different car seats and minimum height for none. Routinely used to check who could use what - and I am sure that a child who might meet maximum weight but not maximum height would also have been checked as they got closer to the recommendations.

She was utterly fab and completely trustworthy. Couldn't have worked harder to meet both children's needs and parental requirements.

Imo grandparents must be compliant with the requirements of their own dc wrt the grand children.

If not, they shouldn't be surprised if contact is limited.

Everyone has different parenting styles. My mum has a different parenting style to me. I realise when she looks after my daughter 2 - 3 times a month she will do it her way e.g saying eat your food then you can play at the playground. It's not my way, but i accept it and am grateful for her help. I think you over reacted. As long as FIL's seat met safety standards I don't think there's an issue.