To be upset that my inlaws put my son’s life at risk?

[Chocoholic26]

Hello, this is a bit of a long one, sorry. Looking for some advice. My in laws look after our little boys (3 and 1) once a week. When my eldest was a baby they wanted to buy a car seat to use in their car. We suggested a few that would be suitable. My husband and I feel very strongly about car seat safety and have our boys extended rear facing. My FIL is a very stubborn man and I feel is very controlling over my MIL. He wasn’t happy that we were telling him what seat to buy. MIL then spoke to DH and asked the name of the seat etc that they had to buy but in the end FIL thought he knew best and bought a seat that he wanted. It was actually more expensive than the one we suggested but in terms of safety, it wasn’t rear facing and we simply told them that he could not use it. They live near by and we all decided that they didn’t need one at that moment in time. We offered to buy the seat but they refused the offer.

Fast forward two years and they have gone behind our backs and put our son in the car seat they originally bought. Which is forward facing and he’s far too heavy and tall for it now. We only know this as our son told us. My DH phoned his parents and questioned them about this and asked them if it was the car seat they originally had. They said it was. They knew fine well our thoughts on car seat safety but they still chose to use it. AIBU to be utterly disappointed and extremely upset at what they have done. We feel they have completely disregarded our wishes as parents. We tried to sit down with them and have an adult discussion about it. I got very upset as at the end of the day they are jeopardising our son’s safety. They stood up and walked out. They were so rude, saying that they are sick of us going on the way we do as if we don’t trust them etc etc and said we are being disrespectful to them. I’m so hurt and so upset. I don’t want to fall out but I feel their behaviour has been completely out of order and they can’t see it. My DH has been so good and backed what I say and I’ve told them I’ll be arranging other childcare. DH spoke to his mum today and they still want to look after the boys and we have to buy a car seat (which is what we were going to do on the first place) and apparently that’s going to be that. The boys are due to go on Wednesday and I am the one who drops them off as DH works early. I’ve got absolutely no idea how I’m going to face them after everything that has happened. I sent them both a very long but polite message about my feelings etc and FIL was banging on our door ten minutes after I sent it saying he didn’t appreciate a message and that he deals with situations face to face, but we tried this and he just walked out. What was I supposed to do? I stand by everything I said in that message and I’m glad I put my point across. Arghhhh what do I do? Feeling so stressed, help. TIA

What car seat was it? He must be MASSIVE if he’s the weight already - how would they know he was over the weight?

Really! Poor kids. How incredibly dull for them having nothing to look at but the back of the seat until they are nearly school age. I am glad that bit of safety advice wasn't around to make me feel guilty when DD was a toddler.

Posts like this make absolutely no sense to me. Firstly, they can look out of the rear window, they can look out of the passenger windows, they can talk to you, their siblings, sing songs etc. ERF seats tend to be nice and high so they get a good view out of the rear passenger windows.

But secondly...even if it was dull, I’d take a bit of dull, given they are far less likely to have their spinal cord severed in a serious crash. Forgive me for being so unconventional, but I prefer my kids bored and alive, rather than entertained and at a greater risk of death.

Somehow we muddled through with a forward facing seat and five point harness from about six months.

Well yes. It only matters IF you have a serious crash. My mother had me in a carrycot on the backseat, entirely unsecured. She muddled through ok as well, and I survived, because there we had no crashes. Doesn’t mean it was safe, it categorically wasn’t, and neither is forward facing for a 6 month old baby. Great that we made it through, but don’t use the ‘I was fine’ argument to be critical of others trying to keep their children safe, acting according to the best information we have today.

And for those saying he must have been massive to have outgrown it, no, not really. A boy on the 50th centile just turning 4 is 16.5kg. That means 50% of children are heavier than that. And it’s the fully clothed weight (including shoes) that matters for car Seats. So at just 4, half of all boys would have outgrown an 18kg seat. So the OP’s son would not need to have been MASSIVE, as some pp have suggested.

My inlaws think I’m ridiculous about rear facing seats but my position is if they want my child in their car they will have a car seat that I’m happy with. They’ve accepted that now but have used it as an example of me ‘researching to the nth’ degree and ‘being obsessive’. It pisses me off no end that some people can’t accept safety standards change. We have the money to buy the safest seats we can do why wouldn’t we. No one thinks it’s obsessive that they’ve done product research on washing machines or wallpaper . Any yet when I look into things for my child, I’m being overly bookish and not accepting of grandparent wisdom. Gahh.

YABU in my opinion. You either trust the GPs or not, you come across as wanting to control them which has created this drama. They bought a legal seat and I doubt your 3 yo is over 18kg so it's still legal. They did not put your son's life at risk (anymore than anyone taking kids in the car) they just wanted to use the seat they'd bought. Granted there's a little tug of control from GD too who perhaps didn't want to be told which seat to buy but fundamentally they've not really done anything wrong. You're lucky that the GPs want to spend this much time with the kids and this will help enrich their lives - if you let them! Ridiculous to stop them looking after the kids over this. Are your 'rules' more important than the relationship?

He’s 3 not 4

I agree with the PP who suggested you all pop round or invite them round before next week. It may help you feeling nervous of seeing them

I would be horrified as I agree with you on following current car seat safety guidelines.

Personally I would have halted childcare, however I understand why you are continuing

Your child - your rules. Although what did you think they had been using these last few years?

I had a similar bust up with my ILs who occasinally took eldest DD for a sleepover when she was a toddler. The house wasn’t remotely babyproofed and I fretted about it. They were older and not very well. I arrived one day to find her walking around with a paper knife from their study.

I calmly said they had to follows certain rules from then on when she stayed including putting their heart medicines out of reach and FIL was NOT happy and said I didn’t trust them. Thing is I didn’t trust him - he was controlling and a bit forgetful.

MIL and I were fine though after a few weeks.

It’s in their interests and your children’s interests to have a good relationship so I would calmly sit them down with your DH to explain the “your rules” bit.

Having seen severe head injuries in children I am openly neurotic about car safety. We bought 2 2-way pearls for our DD when she outgrew the infant carrier and my in-laws are very keen to turn their seat to forward facing- they’ve been told in no uncertain terms that it is safer rear facing and she can only go in their car when she is rear-facing. I’m sure they roll their eyes and think I’m ridiculous but I don’t really care!

As it happens she is 4.5 and petite, still fits easily into the rear facing seat and has never once complained about rear-facing. She knows no differently. And I can’t see what’s more interesting about looking forwards on a boring car trip anyway!

You either trust the GPs or not, you come across as wanting to control them which has created this drama. They bought a legal seat and I doubt your 3 yo is over 18kg so it's still legal

Honestly, why do you doubt the 3yo is over 18kg when the OP has said multiple times that he is over 18kg?! That’s such a weird position to take.

And I totally wouldn’t trust them, they’ve chosen to use an unsafe car seat in direct contradiction of request from the OP sand her DH. They haven’t earned that trust.

OP I’d be looking for alternative childcare.

The car seat one is so strange. My ils just couldn't get their heads round it despite being the most paranoically safety conscious people in all other respects. Sharp intake of breath at me keeping eggs out of the fridge but the number of times it was 'oh we're just popping round the corner, he doesn't need a car seat for that' from them. People are weird at any suggestion their magical driving is not enough to keep children safe.

I would just take a deep breath and smile on Wednesday. And move on to other childcare as soon as you can 'because they've threatened to stop the place if we don't go full time'.

It's a difficult one, isn't it? I don't think you get round that Wednesday will be embarrassing, unless you cancel it, which will presumably cause offence.

My DPs have always found car seats fiddly (although they did their best to follow all the rules) and tbh when DD was pre-school if they were looking after her I always dropped her to them and picked up, and if they went out it was on foot, to avoid the whole issue. Is it possible to avoid the situation where they need to pick the DC up? Is it because they're doing a half day? My DM agreed in the end to have DD from 8am once she understood that we'd have to pay for a full day at nursery anyway if she had her for a half day/every other week.

I can see both sides. PIL/DP often aren't up to date or well informed (DM was astonished that you had to pay for the full day at nursery every week even if you weren't using it) or sometimes have strong ideas of their own (DMIL, lecturing me about prams after hearing some programme about forward facing prams and social interaction). But it's quite simple really - the parents get to say what's what. Your FIL does sound rather emotional himself, which can't be helping.

If all the hassle is coming about because they're doing a few hours within a paid-for nursery day then I'd be tempted to just ask them if they'd like to have DGS now and again at the weekend for a few hours and/or help out with illness situations.

Although I'm sure it'll be awkward to suggest it now, it does sound far easier in the long run for you to find alternative childcare. That's not the same as them not seeing the GDC at all, but it seems to me that there are likely to be more issues like this in future. You could say that it's better for DC in terms of preparing to start school etc?

I do agree with other posters that over 18kg is surprisingly for a 3 year old (my 6 year old is 19kg) so maybe you PIL didn't realise, but the point is they ignored your wishes.

YABU- you sound too controlling. I can see why your ILs are upset.

It really is not uncommon for a 3yo to be past 18kg. They're too heavy for FF 18kg seats and not physically or mentally mature enough for a HBB. The only answer for the best safety is to continue to RF in a 25kg seat. Of course there are FF options too but there are some reservations about the safety of a harness vs. seatbelt in FF over 18kg.

I wouldn't be happy either OP and I've had to explain a lot of Car Seat safety to my parents and ILs. Thankfully they have respected our choice. It's illogical to do something less safe if it still costs more!

At 4 SOME kids may have outgrown the seat, as pointed out by somebody, but he is 3 🙄🙄

Is this a joke?! All this over a car seat? Presumably the one they bought has safety checks etc. Have you seriously got nothing else to worry about in life? If not, swap with me please

When I read the OP I thought YABU but having read the clarification on page 2 I agree with you. The weight on the car seat is the most important and they should have checked and followed that. Your FIL sounds like a liability. My ILs bought their own car seat. It was cheap but a reputable brand and meets all necessary regulations so I didn't feel the need to approve it. It depends on how much trust you have. They will always ask before they do something so I trust that they will follow my wishes as best they can.
The message was unnecessary, even though it was before you DH saw his DM because they're his parents to handle how he knows best. If you didn't think he would do that then you stop their childcare until he has. I think you just have to smile and front it out for everybodies sake now that they have agreed to your way of doing things.

They look after the kids and it's their rules. Do not micro-manage. People hate it.

Also my 18 Month old is 15kg so another 3kg in a year and a half is reasonable no?

Other posters who’ve said if your getting free childcare, you buy the car seat are spot on. Every time we change car seats to the next stage, I buy my parents in too, and I fit it correctly for them. Simples. Why would you not do this? You certainly don’t ask them to buy it and then tell them what to get!

Hii OP,
There's nothing wrong with being cautious about child safety. Nothing at all!
When your DS weighed over 18kg, did you make the DGPs aware of this, and offer a new seat?
My youngest is 6, and only 21kgs, so it wouldn't have registered with me at all. He must be very large for his age?
Could this be a terrible misunderstanding? If they had acknowledged your concerns previously, perhaps they were waiting for you to give them direction regarding a new car seat?
I would certainly not expect my childrens' DGP to be weighing them constantly to ascertain when the car seats needed to be upgraded.
I have been lucky enough to have parental support, and have updated both sets of car seats when necessary. There has never been a problem for us.

@crenellations no it hasn't

OP you are being massively OTT. Talk about making a drama out of a crisis. Just get the car seat you want, take it and fit it in their car. No need for all these long texts and discussions and announcements about finding alternative childcare. Unless you want alternative childcare which I agree would probably be a good idea.

Sorry OP.
You did clarify that they had been made aware of his weight.
Did they tell you they had a new car seat, or was it not discussed?

Lots of confusion around car seat law. Read the link www.gov.uk/child-car-seats-the-rules

However, evidence suggests it is safest to keep children rear facing for a lot longer