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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
MNHQ
LouMumsnet · 25/08/2018 22:12

Evening everyone. We're just popping in to say that OP asked us to edit the thread title and we've done that now.

Thanks all.

Jessbow · 25/08/2018 22:21

DNA test, then no one had to upset any one by demanding answers to Questions his mother doesn't want to answer

Tistheseason17 · 25/08/2018 22:47

What an odd thread.
OP, perhaps move this to a different topic?
It's a little unfair to be "off" with PPs who think YABU.
You asked and you may not like the answers but that's how AIBU works.

MadMum101 · 25/08/2018 22:59

I wouldn't be drawn into engaging with Penggwn. She likes being adversarial. She's a teacher so knows better than anyone else dontcha know?

I wouldn't take anyone seriously who thinks an adult is not entitled to know who their father isHmm.

SheWoreBlueVelvet · 25/08/2018 23:14

YANBU. His mothers reasons for being upset and concealing the truth are her own. How her son feels about it is a different ball game and it's not right to project her feelings onto him.
Everyone should know the truth. Whatever it is. Then everyone can deal with it.

Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 23:45

The OP hasn't actually been off with everyone who thinks SIBU@Tistheseason17

She's taken on board a lot of posters' comments and has agreed that her title was too strong. It's just that she isn't prepared to accept a kicking without defending herself and why should she? Some of the comments early on really were unnecessarily aggressive.

I've seen on AIBU that lot of posters love to stick the boot in but don't like it when the OP responds in kind.

dustarr73 · 26/08/2018 00:31

Tigertill716 no ours is not different because its nothing to do with you.And there's no violence on my side.

My mam was putting me up for adoption,in 1970s Ireland.But her parents stepped in.Which was a brave move back then for them

Unless you yourself has been in that situation,you havent a clue.

Crunchymum · 26/08/2018 00:32

Well done for the title edit OP

Oldaintallthat · 26/08/2018 00:43

My mam was putting me up for adoption,in 1970s Ireland.But her parents stepped in.Which was a brave move back then for them

It was.

Lizzie48 · 26/08/2018 00:46

I agree, your DGPs were really brave, @dustarr73 thank goodness things are changing now in Ireland. Smile

mathanxiety · 26/08/2018 03:07

Maybe the dna is the way to go to help up with the medical side.

It really is the only way to go.

Your MIL might be completely unaware of any hereditary disease on the part of the father or his family. He himself might be unaware. Getting a name from your MIL won't be any help at all for you.

Otoh, getting a DNA reading would be very useful especially as you mention some ethnic link to your child's medical profile. Obv there are issues like sickle cell anemia or Tay Sachs that spring to mind, but there are others too.

Your DH needs to go to counselling to sort out for himself the issues in his childhood. That is a separate matter altogether from a pointer to disease your child may be experiencing.

SD1978 · 26/08/2018 03:32

Was he brought up by the grandparents or his mother? I understand why you want to know, but ultimately- she's made her choice and she won't divulge the information. You can continue to ask relatives for information to try and piece it together, but that's is. She didnt want to be a mother, she didn't want any contact with the father. That's the end of that avenue.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2018 04:01

The OP says brought up by the grandparents with apparently a time when he was doing his GCSEs when he stayed with them after she left to seek a job somewhere else, implying that MIL and DH had become a household at that point

  • ...because her parents brought him up she never felt the need to tell the father or him.

  • She moved away when he was 15 to see if she could get a better job (didn’t have a job to do to) and he stayed at his gr parents as it was gcse year etc.

mathanxiety · 26/08/2018 04:02

Though there is apparently some anger toward the MIL for DH attending nine primary schools, which would be misplaced if the grandparents were his main parents.

Pengggwn · 26/08/2018 06:10

MadMum101

I was not adversarial in the slightest. I told the OP what I thought because she asked.

fabulous01 · 26/08/2018 06:55

We have same situation
But I didn't ask mil as it is not my issue. I told medical staff we didn't know the natural father and they were fine
I would imagine it happens a lot. If it was a medical emergency or for donor etc and we needed to test for compatability that is different situation.
It is up to your DH to take this forward

BedtimeTea · 26/08/2018 07:07

He could do a dna test at ancestry or similar place.

BlueBug45 · 26/08/2018 07:12

OP I agree with @mathanxiety even if your DH has the name of the father it doesn't mean you will get medical information out of the father if he is alive.

There was a Supreme Court case involving Huntingtons Disease which made it clear that a child/grandchild has no right to know what is in their parents/grandparents medical records while they are alive unless that parent/grandparent consents. In the case that went to court the woman's father never let her know he had the disease and she had a child, which she wouldn't have had if she had known.

OP you also need to be aware that some conditions while they may be inherited in a dominant way, the affected parent may not know they actually have the disease due to variable expression. I have such a disorder and if my parents where alive when I was diagnosed they would have to be tested to see where it came from.

If you are all genetically tested and it appears that none of you are solely responsible for the condition then it will be concluded that it is likely from the missing grandfather's side or a spontaneous mutation. PPs have suggested ways of your DH finding out other relations from his father side, and that's what he will have to do if his mother refuses to name his father. Then you may be able to confirm whether it is spontaneous or not plus if donors are needed you may find more donors who will be younger and likely healthier.

dragonslair · 26/08/2018 07:14

If you want to see a copy of the bitrh certificate why don't you just order one (full not short) from Births Deaths and Marriages? You do it online through government gateway. Costs about £10. The mother of an adult can't prevent access to the birth certificate. If it's just the name of the father you want, it couldn't be easier to resolve (if he's on the certificate, which it sounds like he must be as she won't show you).

coolwalking · 26/08/2018 07:21

I feel for your DH. I was in the same position as him. I got a name from my mother and she made out that it just wasn't meant to be but I was wanted and loved. I left it for 15 years and then contacted him when I found him on facebook. Wish I hadn't. Told me that my mum had lied to him about being on the pill, he never wanted a child with her and that he even had sex with my cousin! Needless to say we have nothing to do with each other. I've never told my mum as she wanted me to think I was the result of a happy relationship. It does affect the way I see her - don't blame her, just feel bad for her that they had such vastly different plans for their futures.
I encourage you to support your DH. Let him be the one to pursue this, not you. If, like me, it turns out not to be good, you don't want him to blame you or his mother. Good luck.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 26/08/2018 07:50

Hi, thanks for the replies. His grandparents brought him and his mother home from the hospital and they supported her until she could get a house for herself. She kept moving hence the schools and at when DH was 15 she moved 200 miles away so he moved back with he grandparents. As at that time he was doing exams and had friends etc and he didn’t want to start again.

It’s tricky as we believe the biological dad won’t be on the certificate or have any knowledge of his existence. Hard one to open that up if he went down dna etc and actually found him? I wonder if alive how the biological dad would feel.

I tho k we would his mum might be the key and that built up anger and resentment but we have respective it’s a taboo subject therefore we don’t ask.

Thanks for everyone’s replies and thoughts on this matter.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tigertill716 · 26/08/2018 07:53

@coolwalking hi, thanks for sharing. I do try my best to support him, I suppose I’m doing some ‘digging’ about possibilities so when he asks I might have some solutions for him so it doesn’t feel like a mamouth task.

I feel really mixed about it myself, it would help me to know for some medical issues but i’m really conflicted where this could take the whole family and we’re settled in so many ways i’m scared to disrupt that.

OP posts:
LuluJakey1 · 26/08/2018 09:08

The other thing about doing a DNA test and submitting it to ancestry is, when they upload his results, anyone with DNA links like cousins, aunts, uncles, parents, siblings (if they have uploaded their results) will be notified of a 'match' and of how close that match might be eg would say he might be a second cousin or a nephew. So it could provide you with clues at least. If they have not taken a test at this point, they might in the future and that potential connection will still be mailed to them.

You should definitely order his full birth certificate- if his mum won't show you it sounds as if it could well have his dad's name on it.

Are his grandparents alive? Could he talk to them- they probably know something, or does his mum have brothers and sisters older than her who he could confidentially have a chat with if she won't talk to him? They might remember her friends at the time and boyfriends - might give him a clue.

But his first conversation should be with his mum and he should make it clear he wishes to know who his dad is. It is for him to do, not you. It is between him and his mum.

Cockapoomummy · 26/08/2018 09:47

If the op DH wants to order the full BC he should do it. The op definitely shouldn’t do it.

3luckystars · 26/08/2018 10:05

I just wanted to say that I hope your husband finds the information he needs. It’s possible you MIL is just so wrapped up in herself that she doesn’t even realise how important this could be to your husband.

Anyway I don’t know anyone in real life who discovered they had a child that they know nothing about, I would like to hope at this age (60+), your husbands dad would be happy to find a son, and grandchildren?

I’m going to hope for a happy ending anyway! I’m an optimist (today). Best wishes and I hope your child is ok. Good luck x

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