How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

[Tigertill716]

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

I have asked to change the title, thanks for those that suggested it

You don't actually inherit DNA split evenly between grandparents. Your child could inherit a very small amount from your FIL.
Anyway, it is your MIL's business that she should talk to your DH about if she can but it is none of your business and certainly nothing for you to be 'furious' about.

Tigertill716

Interesting. You ask whether you are being unreasonable and, when given an honest and impartial view - one, admittedly, not designed to flatter you but to simply state my opinion, which you asked for - you get personal. Perhaps you ought to look in the mirror?

TBH she could tell you anything anyway and you wouldn't know if it ws true.

Your DH could do a DNA test and load it up to Ancestry- it would show anyone related to him there was a link eg half brothers or sisters or even his father, if he really wanted to find out.

Within ten years your child will probably have their genome sequenced, along with everyone else. It'll make this kind of thing redundant.

Though the one in ten of us who aren't really who we think we are (I read that too!) will get a shock.

@Pengggwn you have nothing more to add other than to say yes I am. So move on, why you still hanging about? Go and tell the next thread they are too.

@Queuegardens hey sorry if this sounds stupid but I don’t quite know what you mean?

OP AIBU doesn't work like that, you can't tell people to move along just because they disagree with you.

@LuluJakey1 very true and I feel we’ve probably fixated on the wrong thing-her. When I suppose he can look into this himself. I suppose he still wants a conversation with her about it all.

Tigertill716

No, you don't get to tell people to "move on" just because you fancy having a tantrum, OP. You created a thread asking for people's views. You got views, including some that are sympathetic to you, and mine, which isn't. That isn't something I need to be apologetic about. Grow the hell up.

@GreatDuckCookery i’m not really sure why they need to keep posting though, what result does that get everyone? They think I am that’s fine tell me then move on as I cannot see anything going else coming out informative or constructive about the subject.

@Pengggwn is there anything else to add which you have not already said in your posts as I feel like you’re repeating yourself? You have expressed your opinion thanks for your contribution.

Tigertill716

No, OP, you are driving a confrontational exchange with me because you are unable to deal with the fact that someone disagrees with you. I am not trying to add anything to what I have already said (it was clear the first time). I am just responding to you to explain why I am not intending to "move on" at all, and will post where I wish to post.

i’m not sure how a simple dna test would help though
Tigertill716
Your DH sends a swab to a DNA company and they track down general details or possibly the actual man if he has ever done a swab. As well as that they identify potential hereditary disease possibilities (some charge extra for this additional info).

Here are some FAQs from Ancestry wrt privacy and raw DNA data.
www.ancestry.com/dna/en/legal/us/faq#privacy-1

I can understand that you feel a certain amount of anger if your child has had to undergo testing that would otherwise be unnecessary, even if it's just blood draws.

But try not to get too upset or angry on behalf of your H about how his childhood was. Childhood wounds are often something that has to be dealt with by moving on, emotionally, without closure.

@Pengggwn happy for you to disagree. I disagree with what you have posted in your several posts.

Anything else for you to add? Comment,move on or lurk I don’t really care as I have taken on board your comments and have concluded I don’t value your input so will ignore your posts.

It is my business as I needed to complete medical forms for our child that asked specific questions on family tree I was unable to answer.

I know it's already been mentioned but thought I'd stick my two penneth in; I was adopted as a child. Never met either birth parents, never knew any details about them or their medical details etc.

I've got a thyroid condition that's fairly rare, but well-controlled. I also have endometriosis, so have been in and out of many GP's and had many surgeries over the years. I've had two babies, too, and all the medical info you need to provide whilst expecting hasn't ever been blighted by my absolute lack of knowledge.

It's incredibly simple to be direct and say to medical professionals "I don't know about that side of my family" or "we don't know about DH"s Father's side at all". They don't judge, they don't gossip, they don't likely give a shit aside from filling in the gaps in their knowledge.

It absolutely doesn't have to be an issue, not for you or for your DC. Mine know I'm adopted, know I didn't come from Grandma's tummy, know that I have no idea about my birth parents. And instead of missing out or feeling sad about it, they simply accept that 'normality' and get on with it, as most children do. A family tree is still a family tree with a couple of branches missing.

Tigertill716

I couldn't care less whether you are happy for me to disagree or not. 😂

@mathanxiety hey i’ve had a look through that tonight, eye opening really. It’s never struck us to do this which I think on reflection we’ve focussed i the wrong things.

I’m going to let go to the anger, i’ve had some really helpful constructive feedback which has actually helped me focus more. What’s important is my DH and our immediate family and keeping everyone as healthy and as happy as possible. I’m still glad I vented though and it has helped me get it out my system as I don’t do this to DH about the subject-is hard enough!

I don't think it is any of your business either and I think the forms are a way of you fishing for information that if anyone had wanted you to know you would have been told.

If your DH had wanted to know he's has 30 years to ask.

I really think you have to leave this up to your DH to get this info, but only if he wants to not because you're pushing for it

@Idontbelieveinthemoon hey that’s for sharing your storey. I appreciate it.

We feel slightly different and things have had to take a different course to what they could of, a couple of other players were in similar situations and I suppose it’s just frustrated us. We are just getting on with the hand we have to play with.

@Mossend hey, the forms were ages ago and some recent discussions we’ve just had to accept we don’t know and go down whichever route that takes us.

It is DH pushing not me, i’ve stated a couple times I’m responses this and that I have not had a discussion on it in years. Sadly it eats at him and raises its head, i’m Just frustrated on his/our families behalf but i’m a lot less frustrated when I discuss it with him which I probably haven’t articulated very well here.

Wanting to take care of the healthcare needs of a child is not unreasonable. Neither is frustration at witnessing the pain of a loved one who doesn't has precious little information about his father.

I assume the FIL’s name isn’t on his birth certificate? Anyone can request a copy of a birth certificate for not a lot of £££ if they are desperate for a name although it is your husband’s issue to resolve - if he wants to.

Also failing to understand this claim of needing medical info as that hasn’t been explained. Even details life assurance forms only ask about immediate family, not grandparents. Seems unreasonable to me.

@Pengggwn I'm another one who has found your posts unhelpful to say the least. The OP has been responding graciously to posters who haven't deliberately stuck the boot in. She's taken on board the suggestion to request a change of title.

I'm not sure what you're trying to prove now. Do you find it hard to believe her when she says that it's her DH who is upset about this, and not her? She's the one posting, because she has to live with his hurt and she would like to help him.

I haven't actually said she's justified in being angry with her MIL; I've said that there may be good reasons for her silence. At the same time, I can also imagine my DNephew feeling the way her DH does in 20/30 years time about not knowing who his birth father is because his birth mum wouldn't name him. I think she probably has very good reasons for not doing so, but it will still hurt.

@Meowandthen very doubtful but maybe we could get a copy to check.

The information would of helped a situation if we could of got access to it. Would of made things more straight forward. It wasn’t just because we couldn’t fill a form there’s more to it but I don’t really want to go into it. Suppose the frustration is if we did know it would of been a bit more straight forward.