How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

[Tigertill716]

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

@Cockapoomummy I can see how it sounds and i’m happy to admit I may be wrong or sound callous. Maybe I needed that check to rethink things. I am going to give this all some thought.

I havw fudged the issue with my kids if why me and their dad split up.

I am trying to imagine how I’d feel if a future DIL pushed and pushed the issue and came at me with the kind of attitude you’re showing towards your mil.

I would be really hurt and emotionally destroyed and that would likely come out as anger.

I don’t mean to sound harsh but please be caring. There’s likely to be a very good reason why she hasn’t revealed any details.

Sorry You are getting a hard time OP.

My DH is in exactly the same position. His mother has always refused to say anything about his dad. It has caused my DH lifelong sadness that he knows nothing. She insists she knows who the dad is, that they were engaged to be married but they parted. And says she ‘just doesn’t want‘ to tell DH.

I felt angry on his behalf at first and could imagine myself posting something very similar to you when we had our first child. However I came round to thinking that it was probably something untoward, rape or a DV relationship that she can’t bring herself to discuss so will lie to herself and everyone else about it.

Unfortunately it is difficult to know as she is also a bloody awful person. Manipulative and deceitful and just LOVES to shit stir and cause problems playing people off against each other. I’ve never been able to decide whether there was a trauma or she is just enjoying withholding information he wants.

We are now no contact (at DH request) and life is much easier. I’ve accepted that there is missing genetic history for my children and there is nothing I can do about that.

Hope you make sense of this one way or another.

I don’t know who my father’s father is and am not ever likely to know- honestly it isn’t an issue

@mansplain111 hey thanks for sharing, it does help. It’s a tricky situation for sure.

@Squamish that’s great for you that it isn’t, but for reasons explained in this thread it is for DH, hopefully one day it won’t be.

My dads in the same position, when i was diagnosed with a condition thats usually hereditary i lost the plot with her, still no answers.

Perhaps she doesn't know. It she got pregnant on holiday. Or he raped her. She may have very good reasons

That’s ok tiger

It used to make me very cross as it has caused DH quite deep trauma, his MH isn’t good and I do think she is the root cause. The whole withholding thing is just the icing on the shitty cake.

If I think too much about it now it still makes me cross. I can’t imagine doing it to one of my kids.

Report you first post and ask MNHQ to amend the title.... may get you a different response OP.

Based on your title and first few posts, you sound pretty unreasonable!

I'm with you OP @Tigertill716

My DD's Father has a hereditary heart condition that we wouldn't know about if he wasn't in my DD's life. She has already had to begin preventative treatment that if he was out of the picture, she wouldn't have and would be at risk of sudden death. Not trying to catastrophise, just stating facts

Cockapoo

Clearly you haven't RTFT. This appears to be critical medical information the OP would like to have, not just a scatty intrusive demand to know her MIL's sex history. However, as others have said, knowing her DP's Dad's name if he's untraceable/dead isn't going to help, though being able to trace surviving relatives on his side would.

I believe the OP said her MIL had at least indicated it wasn't rape or incest. It may simply be someone MIL didn't know. A simple question from her DS - did you know who my father was? would give the answer, but would be useless if the answer is no.

I don't get why, given MIL has said it isn't rape/incest, she isn't telling so many years later. Just saying "I didn't know your dad" would take the pressure off her. Depends on circumstances including religion, but something you could say, surely? Especially if it would clarify things for your DS and GS?

All the OP can do is go back and ask the hospital if DNA testing would help.

But I wouldn’t tell my kids that their dad raped me. Often.

I would - and have - lied.

And I have RTFT. There’s no need for you to be so rude to me.

I agree with others who have suggested an Ancestry DNA test. It will match your DH to relatives from BOTH sides of the family. If you can get a 1st cousin/uncle/aunt/grandparents from MILs side of the family it can also help to eliminate DNA matches from her side so you can focus on his side.

DNA Detectives FB group are amazing at helping people find to who someones parents are from DNA tests, they've even helped adoptees find BOTH parents so it absolutely can be done.

Once you have the Ancestry DNA you can download the raw data and upload to various other websites for free to help find more matches (Gedmatch being the main one). There is also a free medical one you can upload the DNA too called Codegen.eu - although I'm unsure of how accurate it is.

If it was just you wanting to know then I'd say YABU but if your DH wants to know then he is absolutely not being unreasonable at all. My grandfather never knew who his father was and it was something that broke his heart, dying and never knowing. I'm currently using many family members DNA to try and find out who his father was and it's difficult because I don't have his DNA, I wish it was something that was available when he was alive. I'm also using DNA to help track my step mothers bio father as her mother refused to tell her who her father was - I've narrowed her father down quite a bit already and am almost there now. Good luck.

@Crunchymum in all fairness to the OP, the reason she might have appeared unreasonable in the first few posts is that there was the usual ridiculous AIBU pile-on, where posters weigh in without reading the thread and compete to be as nasty as possible. It's understandable that a lot of OPs respond in kind, add further information to clarify and then get accused of drip-feeding, another AIBU thing I hate, as I think they're just hacked off that their aggressive posts are no longer quite so justified and it spoils their fun.

The OP has actually listened to those of us who have pointed out that there could be good reasons why her MIL won't reveal the identity of her DS's F, and there are times when it's better not to know. The difference is, we've actually tried to be helpful not just looked to stick the boot in.

I do agree that a change of title would be a good idea.

My husband has exactly the same situation except he's not interested. Which is just as well as his mum is not saying a word about it. I too would have liked to know when I was pregnant but I'm assuming there may be a good reason his mum won't discuss it and since DH is also not interested it's none of my business. Maybe our child will want to know one day and DH accepts that there may be a difficult conversation with his mum many years in the future. But until then we're good.

Just looked at the ancestry dna kit, this could certainly be an option. Quite advanced it seems too. For some reason we haven’t thought about that we have been more focussed on my MIL. Seems an obvious solution.

I was still seeing replies on page 9 which tell me some posters had not read the complete thread (hence my suggestion to change title!)

@GinDoll yeah we have dealt with some awkward questions we have brushed off. There was also a time she was stayed at our house and long lost families came on and she said she loved that programme and wanted to watch it. We managed to change it without addressing the elephant in the room, there is defiantly a lack of awareness with her on how it may affect him and our family.

An AIBU pile on is correct. As usual there have been lots of people keen to put the boot in as Lizzie says, and minimising the legitimate concerns which the OP has.

It is unreasonable of posters to just assume that MIL has good reasons-she may or may not have. But minimising the potential medical concerns and/or demanding that the OP disclose why she needs to know were hardly helpful or well thought through.

Reading between the lines, it sounds like your son has a medical issue and knowing your FIL’s medical history will help clear things up. It sounds like it will lessen testing on your son. Any mother would see this as a plus and would be furious at someone withholding this information!!!

I get it with this in mind. What a stunned cow. To keep info that would help her grandchild have less invasive medical testing. Let’s face it, depending on the age, any testing including needles is invasive and hard on them. How cruel of her. She could give the name and details and be done with it. You could promise to never speak of him to her again.

A prize 😂

I'm not trying to advise or help you, OP. I am telling you why you are (deeply) unreasonable, because you asked.

@Pengggwn you sound like a lovely person