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AIBU?

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Original poster

How to support DH finding out who his biological father is **TITLE EDITED BY MNHQ AT OP'S REQUEST**

347 replies

Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 16:35

I’m not sure how to go about this. DH has never know who he dad is, never was spoken about. I asked MIL when completing maternity notes and got very little details, not even a name. We want to know more and i’m not sure if we will get much out of her. Has anyone ever tried this successfully. He might not know he has a child.

AIBU to want to know at some point in our life? I’m annoyed about the situation as feel it is left of our child’s family tree.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 25/08/2018 21:28

Lizzie48

No, I believe every word she says, and I think she is being unreasonable. But she knows this, and she asked. I don't have to be "helpful". That isn't the point of this forum. There are plenty of occasions where I am helpful, but on this occasion I wasn't. That doesn't mean I was "sticking the boot in". I was simply telling the OP why I felt she was being unreasonable. There was no personal attack.

NelleB · 25/08/2018 21:30

I’d just like to say as a 31 year old who has lived her entire life without knowing/wanting to know her father leave well alone. Unless your husband is perusing this there’s good reason why he hasn’t up until now. Have you ever thought why the father hasn’t found his son? There’s far too much for you to unravel here.

Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 21:31

So you don't see why she might find it hard to witness her DH's pain at not knowing who his father is? He's the one who is upset about this, and she's trying to help him, understandably.

Do you really lack empathy to that extent? She's expressing her frustration on here rather than in RL after all.

Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 21:36

I haven't said the MIL is unreasonable, there may be good reasons for her silence. But her DH's pain about it is understandable, as is the fact that the OP is indignant about it.

Or is she supposed to not care about how her DH is feeling about it? She's the one who is bearing the brunt of it after all.

Pengggwn · 25/08/2018 21:36

Lizzie48

I think you are confused. I haven't said I don't see why she is finding it hard. I have said she isn't entitled to know, so yes, in that regard she is being unreasonable. I can obviously see why she would want to know. I just can't see why it would make her "furious" that her MIL is not choosing to reveal something to her that she has kept private for 30 years.

NorthernLurker · 25/08/2018 21:37

Is she really trying to help? The information could be life shattering. Or it could be perfectly benign. All is known is nobody has told him. There's a reason for that. I don't think encouraging him to demand his right to know is helpful. I think it's intrusive and potentially dangerous.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 21:41

@Pengggwn not quite sure you have read the responses properly. I’m not furious she hasn’t revealed things to me, where have I said we have had a conversation where she refused and that’s why I am furious? That’s not happened, but i’m furious for my DH. There’s a few more parts to not knowing that I find challenging, medical, emotional etc. I also believe that it does affect me, if affects my DH and my child so why would I not find it upsetting. I have articulated things poorly in places but I have also explained.

OP posts:
Pengggwn · 25/08/2018 21:43

Tigertill716

I read everything you said. I am not here to add to what I said. I think your sense of entitlement is misplaced.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 21:43

@NorthernLurker where have I encouraged him to demand? The reason has been explained MIL never told the biological father at the time as DH was due to be put up for adoption. Then she felt it was too late to admit she had fell pregnant and too awkward for her.

I am trying to help him process this and it does affect our family.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 25/08/2018 21:46

You said 'we want to know more and I'm not sure we will get much more out of her'. Sounds pretty demanding to me. If you didn't intend to ask her again you surely would have said you could not ask her again.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 21:49

@NorthernLurker

Your posted:

I don't think encouraging him to demand his right to know is helpful.

Again I ask where have I encouraged him in what I have said? I haven’t said i’m holding that conversation have I? My belief is we won’t get much more information out of her, maybe a name at most.

OP posts:
ilovegin112 · 25/08/2018 21:50

I would consider getting you dh counselling before opening up this can of worms especially if you go behind his mothers back,

You said he has issues stemming from his childhood, imagine what they would be like for him if he’s finds out he’s the product of insest or rape (hopefully not the case)

SpottingTheZebras · 25/08/2018 21:54

I completely agree regarding circumstances but we know it wasn’t anything bad, just a mistake and she put him up for adoption until his grandma parents came to the hospital. She has said that because her parents brought him up she never felt the need to tell the father or him.

Maybe it was something bad but she didn’t ever want him to know that so pretended otherwise. There are a huge number of families out there with massive secrets and this could be one of them.

Oldaintallthat · 25/08/2018 21:55

Poor sod, he's in the middle of both of you. Stop arguing on this thread with strangers and go and be with your dh if that really is your priority.

You were the one who has 'furious' in the title. You even asked for the thread to be changed. Don't be pedantic now it suits.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 21:58

@Oldaintallthat read the thread he isnnt in the middle as I donny discuss it with her and I support his views. He’s fine (and out) but thanks for your concern!

OP posts:
RB68 · 25/08/2018 21:58

Her DH does have a right to know though and it does effect his family in terms of hereditary diseases and things like faulty genes that lead to knowing about increased risks of certain health issues.

MIL embarrassment or shame shouldn't be something that tops her DH right to know and the need for medical information which is what this is clearly about.

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 21:59

@SpottingTheZebras I have been thinking about that. Maybe the dna is the way to go to help up with the medical side. I just think it’s going to be one of those things that’s between them, I cannot see them getting closer with this on the way.

OP posts:
NorthernLurker · 25/08/2018 22:00

Are you kidding? You’ve repeatedly said you want him to discuss it with her again.

Oldaintallthat · 25/08/2018 22:02

I was concerned. Ive posted a couple of times seeing it from both sides. Rtft yourself. But dont just take in the people who agree with you.
Im betting you often throw comments about this without realising. That isnt a dig, it really isnt. But its possibly food for thought as you are so clearly angry about it all

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 22:02

@lilovegin112 thanks, will consider and discuss this if taking further which I think we will be. Unfortunately he loved with the thought it could of been rape until he asked me to talk to her when we were pregnant and she said it wasn’t. I can’t imagine that however i’m so proud of who he has turned out to be and the father he is, I suppose you never know deep down though he could be hiding how he feels more then I realise. I’ll chat about getting some support for him/us through this.

OP posts:
Whatifigglepiggleandpeppadated · 25/08/2018 22:04

My mum was adopted so my maternal grandparents aren’t mine biological. My dh mum was adopted so his maternal grandparents aren’t his biological. Just said this at my midwife appointment it’s really not an issue

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 22:05

@Oldaintallthat i’m certainly taking on lots of constructive feedback I hoped that showed as I feel quite differently about it all now then when I first posted with my misjudged title

OP posts:
Giraffe31 · 25/08/2018 22:08

I know how you feel tiger. I’m in exactly the same situation and also want to know in case of anything Hereditary that could have skipped a generation but we’ve got nothing. I am also annoyed by the unwillingness to discuss it but it’s not my place. My DH doesn’t want to bring it up with his DM as he fears losing contact with the only parent he has. You have my sympathy

Original poster
Tigertill716 · 25/08/2018 22:11

@Giraffe31 hey thanks and sorry you’re in that position. Ditto, I did discuss it with her when he asked me too and it was a normalish conversation. I once got quite close to her but she started to take advantage so we are more distant. I suppose in the time of need she seemed to only consider herself or at least not acknowledge DH feelings. He does want to know and discuss though but I am trying to talk it through so it’s done calmly which is not how I have come across on this but that’s me just venting.

OP posts:
Lizzie48 · 25/08/2018 22:12

Actually I haven't agreed with her. I've said I understand why she might be angry on behalf of her DH, as I have a DNephew who will very likely feel like her DH in years to come. My DSis is struggling with feelings of anger against his birth mum about this, though she's aware that she will have had her reasons.

I've given good reasons, too, as to why it might not be advisable to try and find out, as the truth might be a lot more horrific than just not knowing.

But I can also see that she's coming from a place of love, in that she can see that her DH is hurt and the pile on early on was unjustified.

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