To feel utterly fucking heartbroken

[cagedbutterfly]

To cut a very long and complicated story short DP and I have recently seperated from our 5 year relationship, which we have both raised our 2 children together from previous relationships 7 and 8. It has been a messy break-up and there have been lots of arguments and tension.

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together.

However, after dating a short time, i was asked to move in with him and his 4 year old to what was his marital home, with my then 2 year old, which we have lived in ever since. He has his sole name on the mortgage however i have contributed to some bills and living and raised both children.

Prior to our seperation, We both made a decision 18 months ago that i would leave my job to go back to study a full time degree and that he would financially support myself and the family to do so.

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to continue this relationship and wants me and my dd to leave the home, the home that she has been raised in with his dd, as siblings for the last 5 years.

At present i have a year left in full time education and have no income, and i simply could not afford to stay in the area in which we currently reside. My dd attends the local primary school which is due to re-start in a couple of weeks and hes threatening to kick me out!?

I have tried to be amicable and find a solution without causing more heartbreak and upset to both children, i have offered to sleep in different rooms for the time being until i can find an income source, so i could potentially stay in the local area, but he just throws out that we are not his responsibility or problem anymore?!

I'm so hurt and upset that he could just discard us like that and not show are concerns about the wellbeing of my child who he has raised as his own for the last 5 years and who calls him 'daddy'

I just need some advice.
I feel so alone, i have no family locally and little friends that are not mutual who i can discuss this with who could help.

Well the vipers are out in force on this thread, aren't they? All the sanctimonious head wobbling and bosom hitching. Have a bit of sympathy, a bit of human decency, FGS. The OP has been shafted and shat on from on high. Her ex has behaved like a grade A bastard. Yes, hindsight is a wonderful thing to have, but there's no need to be so horrible. Good luck OP. Ignore the cunts on here.

I couldn't spot anyone having mentioned it...

Amongst all this, it might be prudent to make time to go to a sexual health clinic. Based on his form, he's almost certainly already shagging the next woman he has lined up. Sorry, but better to be safe.

Did OP return? Not a great way to start a relstionship but more importantly not many details on why it ended either. A lot of people filling in the blanks as per usual on MN.

The ex wife is the one who cheated with another woman. Therefore OP might have been a rebound that went too far.
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OP hasn't mentioned the ultimate deal breaker of the relationship. It sounds like her OH just woke up one day with a revelation and wanted his life back.

People need to read OPs several further responses.

Plenty of people split up and continue to live in the same home for a period of time until finances can be sorted. This is not unusual. Plenty of seperated people begin new relationships in this time.

OP did not have an affair, she met a seperated man who happened to still be living in the marital home. He bought out his ex-wife, also not unusual, and was in the best position to have the main custody of the child. I got all this in the first post, OPs later comments confirmed.

Stop creating your own versions of the story and then using them the batter OP with. She’s clearly having a shitty time and you’re making it worse for her for literally no reason. Some people just want to be nasty.

OP I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you clearly thought you were secure and I understand you heartbreak. We really do need to keep telling women the risks of remaining unmarried if financially dependent on their partner. Talk to your university, they may well have parent and child accommodation, my one did. Good luck

In all honesty it probably was a rebound that went too far, i wasnt looking for a relationship and i dont believe he was either, however our feelings quickly, developed and it moved too fast in which i accept however 5 years later although we have had arguments like most couples there was no extreme cases or red flags to begin with as i mey and spoke to his ex wife, i bepieve he probably has cheated on me, or he doesnt want me to gain any power and i think he has treated me completely different since i no longer brought in money and contributed a substancial amount, he enjoyed the power i believe and other than that i believe he felt that i gained more out of the relationship than he did...as he paid for majority of things at this present time, money is a major factor of why our relationship broke down and his secret meetings with his ex and his lies.

In answer to other questions - my dd does have her biological dad she started contact with him at 5 and has seen him for the last 2 years every other weekend however as she was 2 when i met my oh and lived with his dd who was 2 years her senior, she picked up the habit of calling him daddy pretty quick, even after being corrected (by me) however he encouraged it and saod he wanted her to feel and be brought up like an equal and encourged her to continue doing so.

As for me being the other women, yes i suppose i was as he was married and his ex wife lived for a short period in the home we now share during divorce proceedings and financial agreements, like i have said in previous posts, she cheated and was in another relationship when we met and i spoke to her about us starting a relationship and she stated many of times she was ok with it so i didnt see it as me having an affair as i was open and honest and showed an incredible amount of concern for her.

As for other posters...He has only supported me through university and fianancialy for the last 18 months in which time i have still brought some money in here and there and worked part time hours or reduced hours around christmas and holidays to bring in more money.. i believe money is one of the reasons our relationship has broken down and also the recent arguments based on the lack of trust due to him texting and secretly meeting and spending more time with his ex wife and other 'friends'.

He's a louse, cagedbutterfly and you will be better off without him. You won't feel that way now but you will in time. I know it hurts, it's desperately sad for you and he's let you down. He's losing you, you're losing a lousy person.

Get your accommodation sorted as a priority and move you and your daughter out asap. I wouldn't leave until then, you don't need to make his life easy in the meantime. No cooking, cleaning, washing for him - nothing. Don't listen to anymore crap from him and don't look back.

This awful time will pass, you'll be qualified and moving on with your life. He will stay a louse.

Courage

Sorry OP, but he’s probably already told his new girlfriend he’s got lined up you are both separated, but still living together sleeping in separate rooms way before you knew anything of your split.

For all these people who say he supported her etc, you need to think about the fact that she was looking after his kid 24/7, running the home, doing all the chores etc.

Dead right. He has had free child care, cooking, housekeeping etc for the past 5 years.

Can OP give him an itemised bill?

Can OP give him an itemised bill?

I know you are kidding but not without a contract (marriage certificate). The trouble is, too many women sign up far to quickly for situations that relies on the ‘goodwill’ of their partner’s and that’s a serious gamble.. Sadly, the OP ignored the red flags at her peril and moving in shortly after the wife left, was a terrible idea and you didn’t need hindsight to know this. He got someone to be mother to his child and to contribute financially without much of an overlap.

For all these people who say he supported her etc, you need to think about the fact that she was looking after his kid 24/7, running the home, doing all the chores etc

More fool her if she was, but she wasn't if she was in full time education and the kids are both school age, so why claim it? And who said she was "running the home"?
Even if thats ll true, it changes nothing.

*Toomanychildrer- why claim what? The children were 2 and 4 when i moved in with my OH, so of course i have dealt with all the children they had between them 3 years not in education - I have only been a student since september last year but left full time employment in the June of last year, so I could look after both children over the summer holidays - as it would cost as much in paid childcare for the both of them.

OP did not have an affair, she met a seperated man who happened to still be living in the marital home.

No one is really separated when they are living in the same house and have joint finances and a child to care for. Even if they are- and I acknowledge some couples do this for financial reasons- they are not in the right place emotionally to begin another relationship so quickly without time to get over the split. The fact the ex wife made it hard for him and the OP to get together seems to say to me it was NOT an amicable split and the 'separation' went only as far as separate rooms.

When they were 2 and 4 you were working full time, and when they were in school you were in full time education. At no point can it be claimed you had both children 24 hours a day 7 days a week, can it?

OP one word of advice on your career. Before you invest more time and indeed money into your uni course, do check it's one that will actually make you more employable and earn more money. I don't know your age but assume you are a mature student and it's a degree course that is vocational or at least with good employment prospects. if not, I'd advise you to re-think.

No of course not, no parent can - However i worked 3 sometimes 4 12 hour night shifts had very little sleep and ensured i was home for my children in the mornong when they woke up and also manged to out them to bed and be with them throughout every day - so close enough, in my book.

Child. You have one child, not children.

Sheesh... I've never seen so many unnecessarily nasty remarks on one thread.

goodgirl, do you go around correcting posters on step-parenting threads, where the poster happens not to be married but is carrying out any sort of step-parenting role, of which childcare would be one?

Why so pointed?

I think you are overly invested here LyingWitch and you risk coming over as a moderator. Not your place.

Goodgirls while that is technically true it is also deeply spiteful. Those two little girls regarded OP as their mummy, she provided more care than any other adult for the part of their lives they can remember and both will be distressed and affected by this breakup.

OP’s main concerns have centred around keeping a stable life for her DD, not her own standard of living.

Why some posters need to be so nasty to a person reaching out for some support is quite baffling.

OP, YANBU to feel heartbroken but this relationship clearly had many flaws and ultimately you and your DD will be ok. I hope your ex is kind enough to his own DD to facilitate some contact between you and the girls at least for enough time for them to process the split.

I thought it was an important distinction given that he wants her to move out and I'm guessing now have nothing to do with his kid? She raised them as siblings since before they can recall, if I were her I would be focusing on the very difficult fall out for her child rather than her own feelings.

It's neither spiteful nor nasty, its reality, and OP created this mess. The children are the innocents here and did not deserve any of this mess.

When my ex kicked me out I was so devastated and I’d get so pissed off when people would endlessly tell me that everything would get better and that I was so much better off without him. It took about 2 years and a great deal of reflection before I realised that OF COURSE this was the case.
I hope that some of the practical advice on here helps you out with your domestic situation; emotionally you have every right to be devastated. Stay strong for your child, but let yourself grieve. Own your feelings, experience them, then move through them. You will only cry a certain number of tears for this man so celebrate the passing of each one.

His behaviour sounds seriously suspect; have you ever heard of NPD or OCPD? These are personality disorders that may explain his dreadful behaviour.

goodgirls How did OP create this mess? She was in a relationship and it was of 5 years duration. The children involved have benefited from a relationship with the OP during that time. Regardless of the rights and wrongs, I think you're being spiteful towards the OP for reasons I can't fathom.

Seriously? How did she create it? She lived with a man, in his house, raised his child along with her own, with zero legal protection and fully aware of how he had treated the last woman he was with...she was walking a tighrope with no safety net. While I feel sorry for her, I feel much sorrier for both the children. The adults should have known better, and didn't, and the children suffer.