To feel utterly fucking heartbroken

[cagedbutterfly]

To cut a very long and complicated story short DP and I have recently seperated from our 5 year relationship, which we have both raised our 2 children together from previous relationships 7 and 8. It has been a messy break-up and there have been lots of arguments and tension.

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together.

However, after dating a short time, i was asked to move in with him and his 4 year old to what was his marital home, with my then 2 year old, which we have lived in ever since. He has his sole name on the mortgage however i have contributed to some bills and living and raised both children.

Prior to our seperation, We both made a decision 18 months ago that i would leave my job to go back to study a full time degree and that he would financially support myself and the family to do so.

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to continue this relationship and wants me and my dd to leave the home, the home that she has been raised in with his dd, as siblings for the last 5 years.

At present i have a year left in full time education and have no income, and i simply could not afford to stay in the area in which we currently reside. My dd attends the local primary school which is due to re-start in a couple of weeks and hes threatening to kick me out!?

I have tried to be amicable and find a solution without causing more heartbreak and upset to both children, i have offered to sleep in different rooms for the time being until i can find an income source, so i could potentially stay in the local area, but he just throws out that we are not his responsibility or problem anymore?!

I'm so hurt and upset that he could just discard us like that and not show are concerns about the wellbeing of my child who he has raised as his own for the last 5 years and who calls him 'daddy'

I just need some advice.
I feel so alone, i have no family locally and little friends that are not mutual who i can discuss this with who could help.

You are entitled to a free half-hour consultation at any solicitor firms

I really don't think this is true.

I also don't think there is really anything you can do legally, given that you are not married or on the house deeds. But if you contact anyone, contact Citizens Advice.

Talk to the university. There must be someone there who can help you. At the very least it should be possible to suspend your course until you have something worked out...distance learning to finish, maybe?

I'm so sorry this has happened to you. He is cruel and heartless.

Yes, I was right... "Some solicitors give 30 minutes' legal advice for free. Some offer a fixed fee - that way you'll know in advance what the advice will cost. You can call a solicitor's office and ask if they offer a free half hour or a fixed fee."

It is possible, but it is not a legal entitlement. Source, may be helpful: www.citizensadvice.org.uk/law-and-courts/legal-system/finding-free-or-affordable-legal-help/

It does sound from the back story as if his previous partner was treated in a similar manner. Where is she now and how did she get her life back on track? How did she come to leave her child behind and will the child's father provide care once you are gone? I would guess that as you were not working but studying, that you provided some childcare for his DC.

Your priority is to take care of your child and ensure you find a home together where DC will be safe. The council is, as others have said top of the list to ask what help with housing they might be able to offer.

You are entitled to a free half-hour consultation at any solicitor firms

Not sure where you got this idea from, but it’s simply not true.

I'd love to hear the ex wife's story: I'm betting he has history of being a bit of a bastard. But legally he's going to be correct.

What happened to the mother of his child? did he do this to her? you might be able to use student loans to get through your course? you could also claim benefits as a full time student and find a rented place.
He doesnt sound very nice - but you have options, you just need to get some advice from university / council. At least you have your course.

look up this website solicitors.lawsociety.org.uk/
it should tell you solicitor nearby, the field of expertise & whether they do free or low cost advice interviews
We used this years ago it helped

Go to see the council as you are about to become homeless. They will have a responsibility to protect your child so you will have a better chance of getting housed. I got housed as homeless when a neighbour rendered my owned flat "unfit for human habitation", for which I will always be grateful. You are likely to have to go where you can though. ❤️

I'm so sorry OP, you are in such a difficult situation. He's put you in this awful situation. You have had good advice here, and I agree with PP's that your university is the best bet.

This sort of thread is fairly common on mumsnet - and makes me want to shout from the rooftops to all women: "Do not give up your income unless you're married".
If you were married to him, you would be protected.

I don't have any words of advice

But I'm very glad that you have posted OP. It's a salutary tale that you should rely upon yourself first and foremost and have some degree of financial independence

Yes, well, you were with him as OW when he was married, now you're crying foul when he's ditched you, too. Diddums. His ex wife had the measure of it all. You chose to stake your financial security and stability and that of your child on a man who was married and with whom you were an unmarried partner. Dust yourself off, grow up and get your own financial independence.

OP the council will have a responsibility to house you as you have a DC and are being made homeless. They may try and fob you off with private renting but as you have no income through studying full time and have a DC they will find you somewhere. Just to say it may be a hostel or b&b and it may not be local. Shelter should be able to give you some advice.

No point going to a solicitor as you have no rights; you weren't married and have no shared assets or shared children - technically you were nothing more than a tenant. Go and see student welfare as they have emergency hardship funds for students (even if it's just for a hostel or bnb for a few nights) and hopefully they can point you in the right direction.

As a previous poster suggested, maybe you should freeze your final year and get a job in the interim. It's horrible when you put your faith in someone and they let you down but you should always have some kind of financial independence in case the worst happens (which unfortunately, it has).

He doesn't sound like a very good person and to be honest I can't help but wonder if maybe he wanted you to be completely reliant on him financially - why did his ex dp have to leave the marital home? Is it because he convinced her to quit her job too and didn't put her name on the mortgage? Sounds very convenient to have a live-in girlfriend/wife paying half your bills without having any rights to the house you live in together. Did he not have to buy her out of their 'marital home'? Sorry for going off on a tangent but that sounds like a red flag - you are well rid. Hope you manage to find your feet soon. It will be tough but eventually you will come out stronger and more independent with a degree and a job and your own place.

I think I’m reading a different op to everyone else

It is not fobbing one off with private renting, depending on the council, they may have no other stock to offer, hence, private landlords willing to let to their homeless. That is not fobbing off, it is fulfilling their legal obligation. You take it or leave it.

You really expected more as the OW believing his stories about his ex-wife? She wasn't his partner, she was his wife. You are not. You have no rights whatsoever.

annie In what way?

Me, too, Annie.

It would appear LRC and I are reading the same thread at least. I was starting to think I did misunderstood.

left what I meant was that they might tell her that she should go off and rent somewhere. If she can't find anywhere they have a duty to find somewhere, it may well be a private b&b. The council cannot leave a DC on the streets.

He's almost certainly got another wide-eyed, compliant and fresh girlfriend ready to move in. He's a first class shit and this is obviously an operating model that works well for him - you and your DC are better off without him and the person most deserving of sympathy is his own DC, who he is probably going to use as bait to attract fresh fanny every time he gets bored with the current Her Indoors.

Shelter or the LA will help and advise you on how to find somewhere to live. You've been naive, but you'll learn from it.

I'd say it was karma but I feel sorry for your daughter. Don't let her call the next one dad as well btw, it isn't her fault as she doesn't know any better but it can be very damaging for children.

woodfires

He was married, OP was the ow, wife was ‘difficult’ and in the marital home, within 5 minutes the wife was out of the marital home and the OP moved in.

Now she’s complaining about him wanting her out of his home...

...the replies aren’t usual for this type of situation on MN.

I wouldn't necessarily assume that OP has no rights. Step parents who are married can become liable to maintain the spouse's children if those children have effectively been treated as their children, i.e. have become what is known as a "child of the family". I have no idea whether that applies when they are not married and have been living together effectively as a family, but OP should at least check that much out with a solicitor.

OP says ex partner but marital home. Assuming the latter is in a manner of speaking I imagine he’s done the same thing twice and had women he wasn’t married to paying towards a house only he owned with sex and childcare on tap unless the grass was greener elsewhere and he turned them out. Which would explain why he kept the house and the first ex had to move out and maybe why he had primary/sole residence of the the child if she was homeless.

None of which helps OPs current plight but shows he’s got form and this wasn’t completely unforeseen.

annie I see. I am surprised by the number of people who have over estimated her rights in this situation.