To feel utterly fucking heartbroken

[cagedbutterfly]

To cut a very long and complicated story short DP and I have recently seperated from our 5 year relationship, which we have both raised our 2 children together from previous relationships 7 and 8. It has been a messy break-up and there have been lots of arguments and tension.

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together.

However, after dating a short time, i was asked to move in with him and his 4 year old to what was his marital home, with my then 2 year old, which we have lived in ever since. He has his sole name on the mortgage however i have contributed to some bills and living and raised both children.

Prior to our seperation, We both made a decision 18 months ago that i would leave my job to go back to study a full time degree and that he would financially support myself and the family to do so.

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to continue this relationship and wants me and my dd to leave the home, the home that she has been raised in with his dd, as siblings for the last 5 years.

At present i have a year left in full time education and have no income, and i simply could not afford to stay in the area in which we currently reside. My dd attends the local primary school which is due to re-start in a couple of weeks and hes threatening to kick me out!?

I have tried to be amicable and find a solution without causing more heartbreak and upset to both children, i have offered to sleep in different rooms for the time being until i can find an income source, so i could potentially stay in the local area, but he just throws out that we are not his responsibility or problem anymore?!

I'm so hurt and upset that he could just discard us like that and not show are concerns about the wellbeing of my child who he has raised as his own for the last 5 years and who calls him 'daddy'

I just need some advice.
I feel so alone, i have no family locally and little friends that are not mutual who i can discuss this with who could help.

Here's another 'finger-wagger'... but points for the most apt username here.

Talk to the CAB first thing on Tues morning (or at least ring them up and make an appointment). Ditto your university advice centre.

You have one more year to complete, so I'd get whatever financial and practical assistance is available until you finish next June and hopefully either the university or the council will be able to house you in your immediate area. Be prepared though that if its the council you and your DD might be placed in BnB accommodation as depending on where you live there may be a long waiting list for a flat or house, but get on it immediately. Your ex-P is making you homeless and you have a young DC - that should make you a priority for housing.

Can you use this as an opportunity to start afresh? Finish your studies, get a job, find a house and start a new and exciting life. Just you and your daughter.

My DH was married when we got together QueenoftheNights. His then-wife was living with another man. Does that mean we were still having an affair?

Lesson to be learnt here, I guess. No matter how much you love a man don't move in with your kid after 7 months.

Why are people asking why the child is living with him rather than the mum. I thought we were trying to move on from the presumption that the child should automatically stay with the mother. That's what always seems to get pointed out on mumsnet.

Why are people asking why the child is living with him rather than the mum. I thought we were trying to move on from the presumption that the child should automatically stay with the mother.

Because in the majority of families who break up this is what happens! The mum is usually the main care provider and the courts will award custody if it goes to court.

LyingWitch you are very keen to try to have the high moral ground here but actually your posts are quite nasty and PA, which kind of shows you for what you are too.

A definition of an affair is someone who has sex with someone who is married. The knowledge of the wife or husband doesn't change that. In this case the wife was in the same house . She might not have cared but legally they were married.

Don't know why you need to discuss the semantics but you are wrong anyway.

Not at all, QueenoftheNights, I'm not just as keen as you seem to be to put the boot into somebody who is suffering and posted as such.

Many people meet others whilst separated and a marriage declared ended. In most cases it is. I'm not interested in reading any more of your pompous tripe and I don't want to derail OP's thread arguing with you.

Sucks when you’re the one it happens to, doesn’t it!

I feel sorry for your child in all this.

Mind, I haven’t RTFT so if I’m being harsh then I’m sorry.

Breakdowns in relationships are always difficult.

I have heard of people obtaining settlements when they have not been married and their names not on property, equally, I know someone personally who paid maintenance for a child that wasn’t biologically his. Maybe worth a visit if you can find a solicitor who will allow a free half and hour. At least then you know for sure.

nasty sanctimonious posters on here.

Sorry this has happened to you OP. you have some good advice among the snipes.

You have turbulent times ahead, but take it one step at a time. hopefully in a year you'll be in a more settled situation.

I have heard of people obtaining settlements when they have not been married and their names not on property, equally, I know someone personally who paid maintenance for a child that wasn’t biologically his. Maybe worth a visit if you can find a solicitor who will allow a free half and hour. At least then you know for sure

Those settlements would have been based on contributions towards the property- paying for improvements, mortgage etc. That isn’t the case here.

There really isn’t anything a solicitor can do. I think a lot of us who are solicitors have commented now. It’s not a good use of the OP’s time or energy.

I just feel sorry for your dd. My ds was 2 when I met exdp, and he never called him dad. He had his own dad, he didn’t need another. As you can see me and him have split after 15 odd years, and ds and he still have a brill relationship, and always will we all believe. The point I’m making is although they have the best relationship and ds refers to him as dsd to other people, dad was not a word he would ever be called.

I’m curious did his dd call you mum? If not what were you called?

Is he potentially getting back with his ex wife if they're talking so much?

*hose settlements would have been based on contributions towards the property- paying for improvements, mortgage etc. That isn’t the case here.

There really isn’t anything a solicitor can do. I think a lot of us who are solicitors have commented now. It’s not a good use of the OP’s time or energy.*

You may be right but I don’t think we know enough, the op does mention paying some bills and raising his child, she also mentions an agreement for her to go back to study. Might be a long shot but I think it is worth exploring, however, I do think it’s one of those things that would take a lot of fighting for.

www.compactlaw.co.uk/free-legal-information/relationships-family-law/unmarried-couples.html

OP, perhaps ask the question over in legal.

Sorry, have I missed something

Yes. The OP has explained.

Agree with Troodiedoo some really mean posts here. Just ignore those OP, doesn't matter how you got together, the point is you're being completely 'screwed over' by your partner. I don't know the ins-and-outs of your relationship, I can't know, but even if your interactions were toxic, he's also taking this out on a small child.

There's some good advice here re: finding support and accommodation, I think it's worth at least checking on the legal situation, if nothing else it would be great if men who behave like this were held accountable in some way. I hope things work out for you, take care of yourself.

I'm with Lying here. This thread is a great example of people kicking someone when they are down without the full facts. I love it even more when people continue to do it without RTFT. Ooh she's the other woman- stone her. Ooh she wasn't well stone her anyway. Sometimes I think the internet has killed kindness.

OP- I feel for you. He has acted like a total shit here but you need to try and move on asap. Take yourself off to student services on Monday and see what the score is re grants/benefits/housing etc. Then make a decision. Get the practicalities sorted and then you can be sad.

I did not have an affair

Didn't you?

You started a relationship with a married man who was living with his wife.

Given you now see his true colours can you not see that crap about "living together but separated " is bullshit?

He had an affair with you, he was sleeping with both of you for a time, you were the other woman.

Smell the coffee OP.

Sandra, his ex is the least of her worries, she is homeless for petes sake !

speakout major empathy fail there, who cares if she had an affair or not, it's irrelevant at this stage? The point is a woman and her child are about to be made homeless, they need help and advice.

Dottierichardson

Not an empathy fail no- the OP says she is "heartbroken".

I am pointing out that this man has been a slug from the start.

So a lucky break.

It's a judgement on lover boy who is happy to cheat on his wife and throw her out when a fancier model comes along.

You gambled and you did so without the legal backing of marriage. Do not make the same mistake twice and expect your Ex partner to prioritise you and your DD again. You need to get accommodation sorted ASAP.