To feel utterly fucking heartbroken

[cagedbutterfly]

To cut a very long and complicated story short DP and I have recently seperated from our 5 year relationship, which we have both raised our 2 children together from previous relationships 7 and 8. It has been a messy break-up and there have been lots of arguments and tension.

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together.

However, after dating a short time, i was asked to move in with him and his 4 year old to what was his marital home, with my then 2 year old, which we have lived in ever since. He has his sole name on the mortgage however i have contributed to some bills and living and raised both children.

Prior to our seperation, We both made a decision 18 months ago that i would leave my job to go back to study a full time degree and that he would financially support myself and the family to do so.

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to continue this relationship and wants me and my dd to leave the home, the home that she has been raised in with his dd, as siblings for the last 5 years.

At present i have a year left in full time education and have no income, and i simply could not afford to stay in the area in which we currently reside. My dd attends the local primary school which is due to re-start in a couple of weeks and hes threatening to kick me out!?

I have tried to be amicable and find a solution without causing more heartbreak and upset to both children, i have offered to sleep in different rooms for the time being until i can find an income source, so i could potentially stay in the local area, but he just throws out that we are not his responsibility or problem anymore?!

I'm so hurt and upset that he could just discard us like that and not show are concerns about the wellbeing of my child who he has raised as his own for the last 5 years and who calls him 'daddy'

I just need some advice.
I feel so alone, i have no family locally and little friends that are not mutual who i can discuss this with who could help.

continually I read lots of women saying, "Oh my husband would never..." and then they do.

I agree with the majority of the posts here however hard it is to swallow - i made the decision to go back and study to improve the life of my dd and what i assumed to be the life of his dd too and therefore i risked my independance to do so - i loved him and trusted him and i loved and cared for his dd like my own and due to dds mothers circumstances she was unfit to care for her child full time however we worked with her to improve her own circumstances therefore i took on alot of that role while he worked and engaged with his ex alot. I did not have an affair nor have i ever said a bad word about his ex only encourged and supported her to be a stronger mother while in this relationship.

I have no sympathy for myself in the situation i ultimately made the poor choices - my main concern now is both the children and being able to complete something i have started and my dd to continue in her school.

I agree lying

Op, it’s awful when this happens but you’re not alone.

I feel so sorry for your DD. She was 2 when you moved her in with this man and now her whole little world is being ripped apart.

OP, I'm not impressed with the decisions you made but that's hardly helpful here, I can't think 'it serves you right' when your little girl is involved. Get in touch with the council, as you are being made homeless, and find out what your options are.

My heart goes out to you OP, I am sure you will find a solution that works for you.

I think a lot of the posters on here have been unnecessarily harsh to the OP.
she has had a 5 year relationship with her DP and felt sufficiently settled and secure in that relationship to give up work to study.
Who knows the lack of extra income coming in may have contributed to the the breakdown of the relationship.
None of us need to remind the Op what a foolish and precarious position she has put herself and her daughter in.

What Lyingwitch said is the best peice of advice on hear, depending on the area I would go as far as to suggest she find somewhere to store her belongings and she goes to the housing office with a couple of suitcases and sit there until they find her emergency accomodation.

I hope it works out for you Op!

You provided childcare for the man's daughter when his ex-wife was unsuitable to do so, you contributed to the bills when you were earning (though went part time to care for both children) and you were probably sexually intimate with the man.

He had it made didn't he?

It's a rotten situation you are in now but I agree never, ever give up your way of earning without some sort of legal protection (currently the easiest way is marriage)

Prioritise housing, daughter, income, then your course. I'm afraid it will have to be in that order. Lots of good suggestions made as to people and organisations to contact.

Good luck.

Half an hour with a solicitor, free or not, will have precisely no impact on this situation. They will charge more than that to write a letter.

OP, do you have no family who could help you out temporarily? Could you move back in with your parents until you are on your feet?

I don't agree posters have been unnecessarily harsh. There seems to be a subset of women who just don't think anything through before making hugely important life choices.

This guy had form for switching from his marriage to (we assume) an affair, sharpish, and the OP was bowled over enough to move in and give up work.without any thought as to what might happen to her and her child if the relationship ended. She's admitted she cannot afford to stay in the area.
I'm puzzled over how she is supporting herself at all when at uni unless this guy is paying for everything. To go from that to being dumped and homeless is terrible but I think it would have helped if she'd been a bit more open about how it started and how it's ended. On the surface, she was the OW, moved in after his 'difficult wife' moved out and didn't stop to think 'Oh heck, what if this happens to me and my child too ?'

If you have a reasonable relationship with the ex she will hopefully enable you and your daughter to maintain the connection with her daughter. As youve taken care of her for so long she would welcome that surely.

To be fair I think op worked initially and then went to university after a couple of years with this man. She was trying to better her education to increase her earning power.

If I were you Op I would be chatting more to his first Ex about she was treated by him- It might be an eye opener for you.

I agree with PP who have suggested seeing what benefits you can get. Go to citizens advice and find out where you stand legally. Can he actually kick you out of the house- legally?

Don’t forget to get on all the freecycle/Facebook free sites as you’ll need stuff for a new home.

It's very cruel for him to pull the rug out from under your life like that. Unfortunately legally he can do it. Women who move in with men without marriage or mortgage are vulnerable, particularly if they then stop earning.

Don't bother with a solicitor. It would be a waste of time and money, even if you have savings. Speak to your uni welfare department, there's a chance they might be able to help with housing and benefits for you to finish the year. While that's happening think about what you're going to do if they can't help. You may have to move back up and stay with family for a while, so research local schools there, etc.

If you have a reasonable relationship with the ex she will hopefully enable you and your daughter to maintain the connection with her daughter. As youve taken care of her for so long she would welcome that surely.

Yes, but...

Prioritise housing, daughter, income, then your course

And then your own mental wellbeing, you've been through a hell of an upheaval, and then his daughter. Don't even think of taking on any responsibility for her again until you and your dd are sorted.

I'm sorry to hear you're in such a difficult position OP. However it does seem that when he did exactly the same to his wife (booted her out of the marital home when he was done with her) you didn't seem to have much sympathy, in fact in your first post you describe this as just her being difficult! You were quite happy when it made way for you. I don't think you can be outraged at his lack of morals now that it's you that's suddenly on the receiving end. I am sorry to hear you are so stuck though - do try the council as you have been made forcibly homeless with a child, and do also try the support services at your uni, I hope you can get the help you need.

I see bashing the op and the bloke is more important than reading op's subsequent posts

He didnt have an affair and cheat on his wife. The wife cheated on him with 2 other people

when did the OP come back? I've not seen any other posts.

If that is what happened it seems as if he was on the rebound and it was almost a 'revenge' affair with the OP.

A married father of a very young child, ousts his wife from the marital home then moves his mistress and child in.

Sorry op, I think you knew what sort of a man this was right from the start. I know you are in a difficult position now, but leopards don't change their spots. I think you are lucky you have been studying and so have not ended up with several more children to look after.

Can he actually kick you out of the house- legally?

Yes! It’s his house. The OP was a guest and has no right to remain. He’s housed her and her child for four years and is well within his rights to end the arrangement at any time, and for another reason.

Luckily for him, the OP thinks badly of women who make being ejected from a home “difficult”, so he won’t hear a peep from her when he moves his next girlfriend in.

when did the OP come back? I've not seen any other posts

At 10.18, 09.55, and 09.30.

*Today 09:30 cagedbutterfly

His wife had an affair with another woman and man during the relationship, and they mutally ended their marriage*

Reading isnt hard

OP you did really have an affair because you moved in within 7 months of meeting this man. it's not possible that he was divorced by then unless it was a very very quick divorce (just possible.) His wife was certainly living with him when you met. Even if she was in another bedroom she was still married.

This was the point at which you ought to have run away- if it was meant to be, he'd have found you once he got his life sorted, his childcare sorted, and his ex wife sorted. he was WAY too quick to move on and you were silly not to see the red flags.

All that is by the by, but you need to reflect on your own neediness to be loved- I notice you say you have no friends other than mutual ones- so the focus now for you is building your own life. You sound quite young- not sure how old - so it's not too late to make a new life.

I think the lesson here is to not get involved in other people's messy relationships, especially when children are involved. It's best to stay out if it until they have ended their relationship and then start afresh.
There's plenty of practical advice here, OP. As to being heartbroken, time will heal. Just focus on yourself and your daughter for a while until you feel stronger.

It ceases to be an affair if the other person is made aware of the relationship, QueenoftheNights, why are you so determined to make cagedbutterfly feel needlessly worse? That says quite a lot about you really.

You have no idea either of anything more than the OP has posted. I don't see 'neediness to be loved', no more than any other woman on Mumsnet has posted. Your posts on this thread are really 'off', I think.