To feel utterly fucking heartbroken

[cagedbutterfly]

To cut a very long and complicated story short DP and I have recently seperated from our 5 year relationship, which we have both raised our 2 children together from previous relationships 7 and 8. It has been a messy break-up and there have been lots of arguments and tension.

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together.

However, after dating a short time, i was asked to move in with him and his 4 year old to what was his marital home, with my then 2 year old, which we have lived in ever since. He has his sole name on the mortgage however i have contributed to some bills and living and raised both children.

Prior to our seperation, We both made a decision 18 months ago that i would leave my job to go back to study a full time degree and that he would financially support myself and the family to do so.

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to continue this relationship and wants me and my dd to leave the home, the home that she has been raised in with his dd, as siblings for the last 5 years.

At present i have a year left in full time education and have no income, and i simply could not afford to stay in the area in which we currently reside. My dd attends the local primary school which is due to re-start in a couple of weeks and hes threatening to kick me out!?

I have tried to be amicable and find a solution without causing more heartbreak and upset to both children, i have offered to sleep in different rooms for the time being until i can find an income source, so i could potentially stay in the local area, but he just throws out that we are not his responsibility or problem anymore?!

I'm so hurt and upset that he could just discard us like that and not show are concerns about the wellbeing of my child who he has raised as his own for the last 5 years and who calls him 'daddy'

I just need some advice.
I feel so alone, i have no family locally and little friends that are not mutual who i can discuss this with who could help.

Degree-wise you might be able to switch your credits to the Open University (I used to work in this field). Call them to find out.

Is this a fucking joke?!

Yes his inconvenient ex-wife was clearly an evil bitch for getting in the way of your beautiful romance by being reluctant to leave her home. Yes you absolutely did the right thing moving your poor child into this cluster fuck of a "family" after your whirlwind romance.

No solicitor's free half hour can fix the stupidity of moving yourself and your child into a home which belongs to somebody else, a home you have no legal right to occupy and no right to argue if you are asked to leave.

Pick yourself up OP, fuck him off and learn from this. Full time student with a child, you should get £10-11k a year student loans plus tax credits/universal credits, council tax exemption and possibly housing benefit. You will be fine. Get your degree, support yourself and your child and for fucks sake have a bloody good think before you let your kid call anyone Daddy again.

All the best, seriously

What about the biological father of your child? Is he not contributing something for her maintenance?

Why is his child living with him and not their mum?

You have been beyond stupid you know. Bad enough to put yourself in a situation where you were financially dependent on a man, living in his home, but when you had a child too...?

There seems to be no hope for the relationship- you don't give any account of why he's gone off you all of a sudden. Did you see this coming? Is there another woman on the scene? Are you an inconvenience now like his ex wife?

what I'm getting at is how has it gone from what it was when you moved in 5 yrs ago, to this out on your ear. Literally on the streets- homeless? Something major must have happened to bring this about.

I don't know if you really 'get' what you've done- your post shows no self awareness of 'God I've been a stupid cow..' - nothing.

It's all about blaming other people- his ex wife and now him. YOU have a brain- use it.

Once you get on your feet, go for counselling. Work on your self worth to decide why you are whatever age you are, with a child, (no contact with her father?) and dived into a relationship with no financial security with a man who was still married when you dated. You need help or you will keep repeating this needy behaviour.

Some posters are being very harsh but none of it is untrue.

You haven’t got any claim at all OP. Get down the council ASAP and make a homeless application. Once you have moved, claim tax credits, housing benefit and student finance etc to finish your course.

I don’t need to tell you to not repeat your mistakes. I’m sure you’ve learned the hard way

He sounds delightful. Why dont you give his first wife a call and ask her how she felt having to leave her home to allow you and your family to move in? She may have some tips for you. Everyone else, see how he treats his ex. One day it could be you.

Karma’s a bitch.

"You are entitled to a free half-hour consultation at any solicitor firms."

You aren't. No one is. They are private businesses.

Oops. Thread didn't load. I see people have already pointed that out!

I'm afraid I'm with the harsher posts. Was the way your relationship started no clue whatsoever to what kind of man he is and what might be coming for you further down the line? I have to admit that as I read your OP, 'you reap what you sow' went through my mind. Not a kind thought at all, but true. And I think you do need to hear the harsher views so you might avoid making the same mistake again.

OP, you managed before you moved in with him and you will manage again. You will need to make changes but you can do it.

Are you reading any of this OP?

I do wonder about people who read a post like the OP's, written in obvious distress, and who seize the opportunity to put the boot in - that seems to me a very particular sort of cruelty. A lot of assumptions are being made here on the basis of not much information.

I'm sorry OP but I think you will have to chalk this up to experience.

Some posters have been harsh, but it may actually help you if you can view the whole situation from a more objective or day I say it your boyfriend's wife's situation.

You started having an affair with a married man who was living with his wife.

When they split he quickly moved you and your child into his home ( making sure the bed didn't get cold no doubt).

Both these actions would have set off alarm bells- to show such disregard for his wife and his own child.

OP I am not pointing this out to make you feel bad, but to illustrate the point that your DP is not a very good man.

And I think you have had a very lucky break.

If you had another child with this man things would be a great deal more complicated.
I know you have short term practical problems, but these will be resolved. You know can see him in his true colours.

You need to pick yourself up, dust yourself down and be happy to see the back of this jerk.

I agree Maggie. I hope the OP can get on her feet and neither child is damaged by this. But i cant be judgemental about the situation, i dont know all the facts and anyway its not helpful. Getting advice re housing and benefits seems the best way forward.

Probably maggie because many of us have experienced the hurt firsthand.

I feel for the OP, I’m not heartless, but to be honest my real sympathy is with the children.

I have no sympathy. My ex husband did it to me. Put me out in the clothes I stood up in and quickly replaced me.

Sorry - to clarify - no sympathy for the op. Sympathy for her child, yes, the child is innocent. Her? Nope. She knew what he was. She knew how he acted. She picked him.

I do feel sorry for the OP. However, what got to me was there was no acceptance in her post that she has made bad choices. I'm afraid I can't get my head round any woman who would sit on the side lines while a wife was evicted, the husband kept the home, in his name only ( did his ex wife not have any claim to it? Did he put it in his name only after the divorce?) All these would be alarm bells. Of course we don't know the whole story. Maybe the ex wife had affairs, maybe she was a complete cow, a druggie, an addict, who knows. It's odd their child doesn't live with her.

BUT this is yet another post from a woman who finds herself homeless with a child after living in a house owned by the man and not having the money to live independently.

FGS women who live like this WAKE UP!

YANBU to feel wretched.
Good luck.

Queen in my case I was SAHM and he controlled all the money. When he put me out I had literally nowhere to go I slept in a hut wrapped in my coat. I had my purse and a mobile phone.
I prioritised fighting to get access to my kids rather than my share of the house. I didn’t have a lot of money. I should have done things differently with hindsight but he was abusive and I thought I was worthless. I genuinely considered suicide and that my kids would be better off without me because that’s what he told me for years and I had been isolated from family and friends which I now realise is an abusers tactic.

Maggie, I actually do think harshness is helpful in a situation where the person - as in this case - seemingly has no insight into the elements of it that were of her own making. She seems to have had no problem with this man's actions when they benefited her and hurt another woman, but now they affect her the world has ended - and she seems bewildered as to how it has come about. She doesn't even seem able to read back her own account of the beginning of their relationship with any critical distance. Saying 'poor you' and treating her as the 100% victim she seems to feel she is (yes, she is a victim in this, but she has been complicit) will not help her understand the situation and act differently in future.

Call Shelter/Refuge and ask advice from Women's Aid, hopefully they can guide you as to the best way to get emergency accommodation and advocate for you. This is a horrible abusive thing to do.

You need to do the Freedom Programme so you can make better decisions on relationships in the future.

As you have no rights to his property/money, thank your lucky stars he has no rights to your child. I am sorry for the relationship that has formed between the two step siblings but I really think that going no contact with the father and having a clean break is best for you and your child long term.

You need to have absoultely nothing more to do with him and be out of his life for good. With no legal ties, it's easier than if there are in the long run.

So he has done the same to you as he did to his wife.

Why did you expect any different?

If you think about it your suggesting separate rooms for another year is pretty similar to her 'being difficult' about leave her marital home.

He is a shit however without the benefit of marriage or some ownership of the house you are no more than a lodger with no rights to stay if asked to leave.

Sorry, have I missed something ? What happened to the wife ? Why was father getting sole custody ? How did you feel about moving in to someone elses home with your child ? Why did you do that ? And again..what happened to the wife, did she move out to make way for you and your child ? Difficult to feel sorry for you but your poor child hasn't asked for any of this.

Of course you aren’t unreasonable to feel heartbroken OP. You’re definitely in a bind right now, and even though the writing was on the wall you didn’t see this coming.

I think you have two things to do, one immediate and one for later. Of course the immediate issue is how do you find yourself somewhere to live and some means of income? Deferring your final year sounds like a good idea, and concentrate on getting your daughter some stability so that she suffers as little as possible from the mess you adults have created. Go to the council housing dept and declare yourself homeless. Look into claiming benefits today. If you have any friends/family to help you, accept their help. And be aware that once you have left your charming exP’s house, he will most likely never allow you back in, so make damn sure you have taken absolutely all your belongings with you.

In the longer term, I think you need to look at how this came about. You watched him do to his ex wife EXACTLY what he’s doing to you. I agree with a PP who said he’s got bored and uses his kid to get fresh fanny (that made me chuckle!), and I’d bet money that there is another woman lined up in the wings to move in. I think you need to ask yourself why you thought it would be different, why didn’t you pay attention when he showed you who he is? I bet you were naive as to the implications of giving up your income given that you are not married and have no call on the main asset in the relationship - but now you are not, and hopefully you won’t do it again.

At the very least, educate your daughter as to the ramifications of giving up her income and how important it is for a woman to keep her financial independence, more so if you aren’t married but personally I think it is even if you are as you can still be left high and dry in the short term even though there may be assets to be gained though the divorce. Giving up income within a marriage is a major reason why some women feel they are trapped when in fact they want to leave - time and time again I see that post on here.