To feel utterly fucking heartbroken

[cagedbutterfly]

To cut a very long and complicated story short DP and I have recently seperated from our 5 year relationship, which we have both raised our 2 children together from previous relationships 7 and 8. It has been a messy break-up and there have been lots of arguments and tension.

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together.

However, after dating a short time, i was asked to move in with him and his 4 year old to what was his marital home, with my then 2 year old, which we have lived in ever since. He has his sole name on the mortgage however i have contributed to some bills and living and raised both children.

Prior to our seperation, We both made a decision 18 months ago that i would leave my job to go back to study a full time degree and that he would financially support myself and the family to do so.

Now he has decided that he no longer wants to continue this relationship and wants me and my dd to leave the home, the home that she has been raised in with his dd, as siblings for the last 5 years.

At present i have a year left in full time education and have no income, and i simply could not afford to stay in the area in which we currently reside. My dd attends the local primary school which is due to re-start in a couple of weeks and hes threatening to kick me out!?

I have tried to be amicable and find a solution without causing more heartbreak and upset to both children, i have offered to sleep in different rooms for the time being until i can find an income source, so i could potentially stay in the local area, but he just throws out that we are not his responsibility or problem anymore?!

I'm so hurt and upset that he could just discard us like that and not show are concerns about the wellbeing of my child who he has raised as his own for the last 5 years and who calls him 'daddy'

I just need some advice.
I feel so alone, i have no family locally and little friends that are not mutual who i can discuss this with who could help.

Sorry to hear this OP - sounds awful. I imagine your DP hasn’t been a bag of joy throughout your relationship.

Out of interest - why does he have custody of his DD ?

Its exactly the same as the start of you realtionship. Now you are being 'difficult' one. Youre on your own here.

Sounds like karma for you being the OW quite frankly. Not that that makes your DP any less of a shit.

@pouraglasshalffull I am genuinely interested to learn why you think that you are entitled to a free half hour consultation at any solicitor firm. Did you intend to say “many” rather than “any”? What made you use the word “entitled”, as if OP can perhaps claim compensation if a solicitor refused to give up their time for free?

Backstory- It was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home and made things extremely difficult for DP and I to begin a life together

So now it's your turn to make things extremely difficult.

You probably have an upper hand on his ex- you've seen how he operates, and she may not have had that. I'm wondering if he has custody of his child because he threw her out and she believed it to be in the best interest of the child to remain in their home. It sounds like he broke her.

What goes around, comes around..., He is a shit, and you were very foolish to think he wouldn’t pull the same stunt on you. I feel sorry for the children in this bloody mess. You need to get all the help you can get for your children’s sake.

Unfortunately you have no rights to remain in the house or for financial support. Its a measure of the man that he feels no sense of responsibility to you or your DD.
I think it's a great idea to see if the uni can help.
Also council housing dept and emergency benefits (don't know the ins and outs of that).
You may be entitled to some sort of bursary or hardship grant to finish your course. Again the uni will know.
PS calling it a "uni" in spite to that other thread, it's much easier to type

Oh op . He does sound a total shit. I also imagine he did to his exwife what he is now doing to you. I hope he gets his comeuppance, but it seems there’s always another vulnerable/ naive woman who thinks these miscreants are their Prince Charming.

I also think contact student welfare and the council for help. Do you have family support irl?

Why flowers for a woman who shagged a married man, caused his WIFE distress, called his wife ‘difficult’, stood by while the woman lost her home and her child and before the sheets were cold moved in with her child.

FLOWERS?! WTAF

And if it was the OP breaking off this relationship, would people tell her she should continue letting him stay in her house, financially supporting him and his child for another YEAR?

We don’t know the full story here - everyone’s calling him a shit but often both parties are involved in a relationship breakdown.

I’m not even sure he was some cheating bastard, because you can be still married, but clearly split up with the divorce underway, but still both in the marital home. In fact, this man has experience of that - perhaps that’s why he’s not keen to repeat it? Plenty of tales on here of how awful it is having to stay living with an ex for a while.

Bottom line, OP is equally responsible for the poor decisions to move her child in with him far too quickly, and to become financially independent.

He’s an utter shit if he wants you out NOW, because of your daughter. But he’s not an utter shit if after the relationship has ended he wants you to find a place ASAP.

You need to look forward.
You’ve had 2 years of a full time degree that wouldn’t have happened I suppose otherwise?
You’re being made homeless with a child so you have a good chance of being housed by the council.
You may have financial support options through university.

I don’t think that proposing separate rooms in the best option here. The best option is for you to talk to the housing department. Did he only escalate to cruel words about not being his problem, because you were trying to stay in the (his) spare room for the next year?

I’m sorry you’re in this situation, and I’m especially sorry for the turmoil for your daughter. But I do think moving out ASAP is the best thing here. No-one wants to live with an ex. Get on to Housing ASAP.

Are you even reading your own op? Surely no one is that obtuse. Madness.

You have a point of course

But just because the OP has been ridiculously thick and stupid and what have you doesn't actually diminish my sympathy

So for all the times that I have been ridiculously think and stupid and what have you

Have some

Always ask a new partner about his or her exes. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how you'll be treated later on and it immediately weeds out arseholes like this guy. His lack of respect for the mother of his own child was so great that he moved his new partner in before she had the chance to move out. Such a shame this didn't ring alarm bells.

I hope you and your daughter get the help you need OP. Degree, financial independence and a life free of shit men can and will be yours

it was a complicated start to the relationship as DP was married and the ex partner still resided in the family home

By complicated do you mean unfaithful?

I feel for the two children massively and you to some extend and I hope you learn a valuable lesson and go on to have a really happy relationship with a decent man but any person with their head screwed on would have heard alarm bells when a man mentioned his "difficult" ex who wouldn't leave

You have lost a stepdaughter and your DD has lost a stepsister and you have a right to grieve. Once you are feeling better review this and make sure you choose a future partner carefully and take your time before moving in and marry or get some kind of legal protection before moving in.

You will get over this and be stronger for it. He is a bad person

You did OK out of this OP, moving in after being the OW and getting 18 months of further education supported by him.
He’s obviously not very nice but he had form and you knew it.

Sorry but I’m out of sympathy for you. Poor kids though. Brought up as siblings after you two only dating ‘a short time’, your DC calling him Daddy and now this.

5 years of no rent and 18 months not paying anything, surely OP should have some savings?

Annie I'm reading the same op as you.

Always ask a new partner about his or her exes. Their reaction will tell you everything you need to know about how you'll be treated later on

This is so true. My DH was in a long term relationship before me and it didn't work out. He spoke with such respect for her though in a non romantic way. I never thought about it much before.

Yes, spot on gareth.
The number 1 red flag for domestic abuse is a man who rubbishes his ex(es).
Wish I'd known that 4 years ago.

Hang on, nowhere does the OP say she was the other woman. Why not wait for confirmation before being so smug.

No it isnt, I dont abuse my dh or use my ex as an excuse to be a twat. Some exes are shit. Doesnt mean its a red flag.

KeiTeNgeNge
Op isn’t going to say she was ow. The inconvenient wife was just living in the marital home with her husband and daughter to be difficult, getting in the way of op’s relationship with the husband and basically occupying space that should have been op’s.
But love and logic won out in the end, and the silly woman posed off, hurrah!
Until op became the inconvenience of course.

This sounds like karma @cagedbutterfly

Oldaintallthat Yes it is. Unless Womens Aid, the leading UK authority on DV and DA, where I have done the Frreedom Program and now have fortnightly counselling, is wrong?
I'm not talking about the odd complaint. And of course some exes are just shit. But where a new partner consistently rubbishes their exes it is a huge red flag.

A red flag is a warning sign. It doesn't mean the new partner is necessarily an abuser.

Well, his behaviour is not that surprising, is it? He had set a pretty obvious precedent.

Unfortunately, I believe under UK law you are unlikely to be entitled to any actual money/support from him and if he wants you and your DD to move out of the house you are going to have to do so. As others have suggested contact your university to see if there is any support available there. Do you have family you can lean on for somewhere to stay while you sort yourself out.

I am thinking in Australian law terms here, but as someone who has been involved with his daughter in a parental capacity you may be able to get some access arrangements in place in order to preserve the relationship? You really will need to speak with a Family Lawyer for that though.