Kids refusing to go on weekend breaks and holidays!!

[Stressedoverkids]

We have 4 Dc and me and Dh love to travel have weekends away etc

Dd1 is 18 and no longer wants to go - fair enough she can stay home alone.

Ds1 is 16 - he can stay at home with Dd1.

However now the younger two are also refusing to go and when we make them go they complain and fight the whole time and ruin it for everyone.

AIBU to be really upset and frustrated by this!

I really don't want to spend the next ten years unable to do what I want because of two ungrateful children.

Ds doesn't want to leave his playstaion. Dd doesn't want to leave her friends and is bored with just Ds.

I have just cancelled this weekends hotel booking and I am not happy!

We’ve recently been on holiday in the U.K. with our DSs. DS1 (14) started by moaning and whingeing about everything. Cue me having a stern word about the fact that this is our only holiday this year, that he is being an ungrateful brat and that if he doesn’t start being polite and respectful I would make his life all kinds of hell on return. Coupled with a Paddington Bear Cold Hard Stare

Did the trick and the moaning stopped!

My parents dragged my brother and I on family holidays right up until my 18th, then laid on the tears and guilt that at 15 and 18 we'd prefer our own social lives, thanks. At some point you must cut the apron strings and realise they don't want to sit in a camper van with their mum all weekend. Sad, but true. We all love each other very much, just needed room to grow up and be independent adults not overgrown kids.

OP, it sounds like you've made a rod for your own back in the past and are now reaping the 'rewards'. The older two, fine. The younger two - they go.

16yr old is of course obsessed with his online gaming but he actually is a different person on hols and enjoys himself

I find this with mine too, they moan before but enjoy it when they are there

We have a 14, 11 and 8 year old, and have learnt that we can't enforce what we want to do on them without some level of input from them as to what they'd like to do. This year we went on a city break for a week in May half term, which wasn't massively 8 year old friendly and involved lots of walking and site seeing, which the older two weren't hugely keen on (though they all enjoyed it once we were there, the food and copious ice cream helped I think!) on the basis that we'd go camping for 8 days over the summer (their choice of holiday)

We've done the same next year, booked a parent friendly break, with the carrot of a week's camping and a week at a beach resort to dangle in front of them - so far, so good.

We don't get to do weekends away generally, as the older two play a lot of sport, so we're usually ferrying them around, so holidays are quite important for us to spend time as a family, and we have to compromise on what we (adults) want to do a bit, so that everyone has an enjoyable time.

Would granny be willing to move into your house for the weekend?

My parents did this (although we were older and could have been left) they went on holiday and my grandma moved in.

That’s al well and good running but it defeats the object if they complain all the time

I don't disagree, but there's room for compromise. Last year we had two trips away which were about a week each and ds moaned quite a lot on both of them. So this year as I mentioned above we cut the time down. 5 nights for one trip in May and in October half term it will be 3. He gets downtime from school and we also get to go away.

The trip in May was fine, he hardly moaned at all.

I hear you OP! DS 13 has just sulked his way around our break around the NW, lakes & Scotland. He is also glued to his PlayStation and had friends ringing him whilst we were away asking when he was back as they were bored!!
He insisted he did have a good time though (just his face didn’t show it!)

Can I go instead of them?!!
I think you are getting a hard time here.
Could the 14 year old and 9 year old bring a friend each?
Or if the 9 year old is happy to stay with grandparents could the 14 year old bring a friend?
I think you are right not to leave the 14 year old with older siblings.
If you do end up cancelling I would honestly make the weekend miserable for them. Chores and no wifi.
Enjoy whatever you decide ( or the kids) to do

I find this with mine too, they moan before but enjoy it when they are there

Our cottage this year had a cupboard full of board games. My eldest floored me by choosing one he hasnt played before and suggesting we played it!! We had such a hilarious night. It was great to spend time just having fun together without phones or devices. I am getting that game for xmas😀

This weekend should be PS4 and sleepover free to makeup for your kids' crappy attitudes. I'm a Single Parent and our travel budget is crap. My kids and I would bite your hand off for the opportunity of going away.

Where were you planning to go and what were you planning to do? Keeping everyone happy (at least some of the time) is really hard but your kids have to suck things up sometimes.

On holiday at the moment and despite giving dcs an opportunity to have a say in holiday choice, we are struggling to find common ground on timings for outings and meals - I have had a hissy fit and threatened not to go on holidays next year as I am not finding much joy in lazy grumpy teens on holiday. We all have to compromise and take each other’s feelings and needs into account but recently I feel the balance has tipped too much towards the teens and I’d rather be at home too, until they can appreciate travel again.

My parents dragged my brother and I on family holidays right up until my 18th, then laid on the tears and guilt that at 15 and 18 we'd prefer our own social lives, thanks. At some point you must cut the apron strings

This versus the Authoritarian make them go

surely there is a middle ground which is the way to go!

My kids and I would bite your hand off for the opportunity of going away.

So would i have as a teenager. I never ever stayed in a hotel until well past 18.

They don't appreciate it and so therefore they won't be getting it anymore until they do. Unfortunately in that loose too.

I don't think there is a middle ground. Family holidays work when kids are small but they get increasingly fraught as they get older. Making them go and ending up with an expensive, miserable time is lunacy. If they want to stay at home, let them. Go away without them and enjoy the break.

My 9 year old causes a major scene nearly every time I suggest putting down his Xbox controller and going anywhere ... then he'll either get over himself while we're in the car, or at the latest when we get to our destination and he's running around.

Can't really advise you on the 14 year old as, when I was 14 I had a very well behaved, sensible 18 year old sister who I could be left with so my parents could have a weekend away. Whereas, when I was 18, I wouldn't have trusted myself to manage to keep a cactus alive, let alone a younger sibling!

I think I would leave them all at home and go away for the weekend with DH, grandparents and neighbours checking up to make sure that mayhem didn't ensue.

I think this thread has made me realise they are far too entitled and we need to rebalance things.

Starting with phone time, wifi time and some more chores!

Wish me luck and perseverance!

I do think if you go to Authoritarian you damage their ability to make their own decisions and advocate for themselves.

So instead you allow them to decide for, and dictate to, their parents. Fine, if that’s what you want, but don’t complain about it.

Sounds like you are confusing authoritative with authoritarian OP and as a result you lean too much towards permissive. There's nothing wrong with consulting a 9yo and a 14 yo regarding the type of family holiday you go on, but the final decision as to whether they go rests with you until they're old enough to stay home by themselves.

My DH used to have similar issues with taking his DC on days out - it wasn't that they didn't want to go as they always enjoyed it once there; rather that they didn't want to come offline/stop gaming. Totally unhealthy. You solve the problem by turning off the wifi etc - fine to have downtime but electronics shouldn't be allowed to dictate what you do together as a family.

Cross posted - sounds like a plan!

Whenever my DSCs complained of being bored we would say "well there's xyz chore that needs doing..."

I don't understand all these 'make them go' comments. Why? If they clearly aren't enjoying it or finding it interesting why force them. There is already enough in life we have to do that people often don't enjoy (school, work, paying bills, cleaning the toilet etc) why on earth make your free time miserable. These maybe your children but they are indivduals developing their own personalities and interests. You said you "cancelled the hotel". Where was it? What did you plan to do at this place? Honestly was it a place that a 14 and 9 year old would enjoy?
There is a difference between being 'forced' to go to Great Aunts very boring 100th birthday do (which I would say "everyone is going") than being forced to go to a hotel and have a 'nice meal out and a visit to a stately home' or whatever you planned to do and clearly seeing your children have zero interest in this and they are bored and grumpy. Why do that to your children?

Well, it it was me, I'd just take/invite the kids all separately
9yo and 14 yo alternate - 1 with you, 1 with GPs/Sleepover with friends

invite the 18 and 16 yo along each time, their choice if they go or not.

easy.

I wouldn't have given the 9 and 14 year old any option other than to come with us. You clearly wouldn't trust the 14 year old to behave, and I wouldn't make the 18 year old responsible for her. If they got there and stropped, I would've left them in their room whilst I went and did something nice.
Given you have cancelled your plans, I think you are right to make it a wi fi free house for the weekend. Would also not agree to any sleepovers, or giving lifts anywhere.
Would it be possible in future to book a weekend away for you and DP, somewhere very appealing to teens, and leave them at home - without asking first - with a grandparent or aunt/uncle staying over to supervise?

I would say the 'middle ground' you are looking for Stressedoverkids is ASK your children what their perfect weekend or holiday would be. Or think about what they enjoy doing/toys they play (or used to play) with and find places to go linked with that. As i mentioned in a previous comment there was a gaming expo in london I expect Playstation kid would of loved. Crafty kid ? There are loads of craft shows around the country held in places like Birmingham NEC, London Earls Court etc. Lego kid? Lego/model expos and events are all over the place all the time. Book lover? Have you been to Hay on Wye which is a mecca for secondhand book fans.