DD forbidden to attend family party.

[sunshineandsnow]

18 months ago, DD had a birthday sleepover for her school friends and didn't invite her younger cousin.

We then got to DN birthday, and there was the regular annual massive family party that we weren't invited to, and found out about from Facebook. When I confronted everyone they stopped speaking to me and it all got very nasty.

So we got to DDs birthday this year and I didn't invite DN again - she just had a small meal out this year. I had the whole day destroyed with endless messages slagging me off.

There has been no communication with my sister since then, and minimal with other relatives. Everyone hates me for being unreasonable.

Tomorrow is DNs birthday again. Without anyone realising, DD is staying at our parents for the weekend (as I have maintained contact this way every so often, as the cousins love each other and enjoy each other's company). DD has just been informed that she is to stay home for the duration of the party, and is not allowed to attend.

DD and DN are now texting each other, confused as to why DD is not allowed (DN thinking I was not allowing it).

DD needs to stay this weekend for childcare reasons - AIBU to tell DM she is to grow some balls and stop taking sides? AIBU to think DD should be allowed to go?

Hopefully this links to my old thread but it looks a bit odd...
<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">ii<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">being<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/amm<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">i<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">beingg<a class="break-all" href="http://www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-mewww.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me" target="_blank">unreasonable/3198050-my-family-won-t-speak-to-me

If your DD is ok to be left alone, and happy to be so, then let them crack on and let your DD have a fun day without your family. This is being done to hurt you and to some extent its working. If your DD isn't ok to be left alone then yes, your DM needs to grow some balls and either not go or take DD there.

I’ve had to cut contact with my brother and his wife to keep me physically and emotionally safe and dd emotionally safe. Dd is a very mature 10 yo. She gets it. She also knows should she choose she will be able to contact her cousin as an adult. What you have described is the sort of thing they’d do to dd.

I am so glad your dd is mature enough to withstand the shitstorm. My dd has been much the same with an attitude of: those, who don’t treat me well don’t deserve me in their lives. I also think you shouldn’t allow a situation, where your dd is at her grandparents on her own while they go to the family party. Either she attends or you organise for her to sleep at a friends. In any case, this is something to have out with your parents, not your vile sister.

Clearly your sister is the favourite and pandered to. From things my mother said, my brother learnt very young that his younger, smaller and weaker sister is of little consequence.

Your dd is 12 and she has a lesson for you. Stop allowing yourself to be treated so badly. Your sister and her cronies are not worthy of your concern. Stop with the present buying and trying to contact your sister. Withdraw completely. Continue for your niece or let your dd give your dn presents from her. Perhaps give her a little extra pocket money to pick something nice.

I sent a Christmas present to my dn after my brother was violent with me (I am defermined this is for the last time). I sent it recorded deliver and it was returned.

So have you decided what you're going to do about this weekend, OP?

I gave DD the choice. She was happy to spend the day with mates and still wants to stay at GP for the weekend. I feel sad that I've exposed her to this but she seems to know DS is a loon and isn't interested in it. She's got her head screwed on, knows her worth and doesn't take shit.

They all sound unhinged, who takes a wily feud out on kids. She's sounds like she's always shot her own way and how very dare you not comply !

Oh yes! Everyone has to do what she says. Christmas etc arrangements can't be made until she's announced when she will be going to DPs, then we have to go on the alternate day. I can't even turn up for tea at DP without permission, as DM will freak out that DS might want tea the same night.

What will you do long term about this favouritism and toxic behaviour from them all?

I really don't know. I've spent my whole life trying to keep the peace and hoping it will change. I know I'll be forever told as the bad one if I went NC.

Your family is being unreasonable. If I were you, I wouldn't let my dd stay over. You should keep a distance between yourself and your birth family.

I have similar dynamics in my family with my mum always taking my sister's side.

What is the background for you? Why does yoir DM always support your sister?

It is.so not on. But also in future I would.limit who can view posts on fb so you don't have to put up with this shit.

Do you want to continue this way? You aren't being a peacekeeper because they dont want peace. They just want you feeling bad and they call you bad now.

If you did go NC with them all then though they would try at first there would be a time when none could call you bad. Because they are blocked and gone.

How come DN wasn’t invited if the girls get along so well? That was my immediate thought.

You all sound unhinged to me.
I can't understand all this family have to be invited to children's parties, shit.
They are different ages and although they might love each other your comments about dn being immature as obviously younger, why force your dd on dn party?
Cut your losses and let them get together when they want to, at 10/12 they are old enough to sort something out themselves.
You can't blame your dsis for not inviting your child when you didn't invite hers.

OMG. Different ages - fair enough reason for non invite to sleepover. Friends and family children are not necessarily a good mix.
Your sister/sister in law should be ashamed of herself, but she clearly isn't. Definition of entitled. Thank goodness the children can text between themselves. Maybe it's a good idea for the DN to ask her mother why your daughter is cut out.

@sunshineandsnow

"DS, DM and DSis MIL"

*CS, DM, and CSis MIL

I hope you don't mind me correcting that because your sister isn't dear, she's a cunt. Much like my own.

Here's to cunty sisters. 🥂

Storm in a teacup. I'd withdraw from the lot of them. Not only does appeasement not work, it makes things worse as the one being appeased gets a buzz from the power-play.

Sunshine, I remember your original thread and I was gobsmacked then. I can't believe this has been going on for 18 months now!

I've never actually said this on MN before as I think sometimes posters jump too quickly to shout "go no contact" but in this story I really think you should.
I don't think anything is going to change. Your parents aren't suddenly going to shift their behaviours and attitudes. Your DSIS obviously won't.

How do you feel about no contact? I say this as it's a huge thing to do. I do think your family are toxic and they have somehow made you the scapegoat and black sheep in everything. This can be a common thing in toxic families. Quite often one person is blamed for everything no matter what.

You must protect yourself in this, and your dd. I know you say she's very nature. I have an extremely emotionally mature dd13 myself. However as she grows even older she's still noticing behaviours in my own family (generally very loving) and she's still very young in forming ideas about relationships and family dynamics.

If I were in your shoes, I think I would go no contact. I'd tell my parents why. Then I'd get some personal counselling for myself.
If my dd and her cousin wanted to arrange to meet up on their own that would be fine with me. I just wouldn't arrange things.

This won't stop. You have to stop it. Bow out.

I would block them on everything, and then ignore the lot of them. Busy yourself with DD and friends. You can't argue with crazy.

If your DM won't have you for tea in case your DS turns up, then tell your mum that you won't be visiting again full stop. your DM is enabling your DS by being so afraid of her. If they stood up to her, then she would have to look at her actions.

Your DS excluding you from an entire family party, is very very different to you not inviting DN to a 2 girl sleepover. She needs to grow up and realise that not everything is about her.

I agree with previous posters. No you can't always just cut off from your family over some argument. But this is much more than that. You're family are ALL taking sides.

It's very odd. I think if my children ever fall out when they are older (I really hope they don't) I would invite them both and not exclude either party.

I don't understand why you would send your DD to your DMs? What is she getting out of this relationship? Your DMs thoughts and actions are questionable at best and I'm not sure this is something I would expose my DCs too.

Sounds like you're not really having much contact anyway, so just get rid of them and get on with your life.

Remove yourself from all of them. They sound nuts. The fact is your dd had a party your dn wasn’t invited to. Your dn had a party your dd wasn’t invited to and you’ve been completely cut out of the family party. This is just an excuse for them and I’d cut contact. The whole thing is toxic.

I’ve had a similar situation with my family using emotional blackmail and being spiteful recently, although it’s my brother’s wedding causing the furore not a birthday party and he sounds similar to your sister.

Upshot is, after months of feeling like shit and trying to take the high ground I told the lot of them to fuck right off yesterday.

Liberating is how it feels.

Why are your parents supporting your sister in this stupid, ridiculous behaviour.

They should be telling her to grow up and leave them out of it. Have they always pandered to her like that? If so, no wonder she's so precious and silly.

I've spent my whole life trying to keep the peace and hoping it will change. I know I'll be forever told as the bad one if I went NC

It wont change, you need to face up to that. You are the family scapegoat. And so what if you are "forever the bad one" in their eyes, at least you wont have to put up with listening to that!

Oh yes! Everyone has to do what she says. Christmas etc arrangements can't be made until she's announced when she will be going to DPs, then we have to go on the alternate day. I can't even turn up for tea at DP without permission, as DM will freak out that DS might want tea the same night

I'm sorry but you need to tell the lot of them to fuck off. You can't go and see your own parents until your sister decides when she is going? Sorry but you wouldn't accept this behaviour from a toddler let alone a grown woman.

Start calling your own shots and if they don't like it, don't see them. Your mum is a coward whose enabling your sister to behave in this way and if she won't stop then you have the power to not engage in the behaviour by NC with the lot of them, it's toxic.

How about just withdrawing from your cunty sister and spineless mother? No fanfare, just cease to make any effort. No more sending unreciprocated gifts to the ungrateful sods. Make your own plans for Christmas with no reference to them. Your DD can still keep up contact with DN.

I wouldn’t want a child of mine left anywhere near them without me there to watch over them as they sound unhinged.